Hello Jaindough,
I have supported several home deaths, I was the primary care-giver in one, the others were with hospice.
The lessons learned and J.Jilks. speaks to this:
- Dying at home is a 24/7 team event and requires a lead or primary care-giver.
- Home support from government health care is limited. In BC this is one to two hours per day of personal care. The rest falls to friends and family.
- Death has a trajectory with recognizabe landmarks.
Your recent post suggests your mom is getting closer to the end. It is common and natural to refuse food and later fluids - a sign that the final few weeks are at hand.
This is my most recent experience with an 89 year old man with bowel cancer. We spoke often of his readiness to die and he wanted to remain at home. We spoke of his shrinking world and that one day he would not be able to get out of bed at which point i said, 'That will be the day you will likely stop eating or find that a spoonful is enough'.
And that is what happened. He stayed home, in his own bed. Minimal pain. His desire to eat stopped and then take only sips of water allowed him to pass peacefully 14 days later.
Your mother might be ready to voluntarily stop eating and drinking. This is call VSED. There are studies, scientific and anecdotal, both support this choice as common and natural and that it results in what we call 'a good death'.