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Reply by jorola
16 Jul 2014, 5:28 AM

I am so sorry.

I echo what Nat and Kath have said to you.

Your mom was a strong lady who raised a loving and caring daughter.

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Reply by moderator | modératrice
16 Jul 2014, 10:01 AM

Dear Jaindough,
Thank you for taking the time to tell us about your Mom's passing. My thoughts are with you as you move through this next phase. While you feel alone, you are a wise and strong woman who recognizes the people at her side supporting her - your husband, long time family friends and in his special way that dear little baby of yours.

Take care and know we're here any time.
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Reply by Xenia
17 Jul 2014, 3:21 PM

Good Morning to All:

My condolenses to you Jain and to your family.

I wanted to email sooner however somehow my password was not being accepted, being a senior and not sure how to change passwords I waited and then contacted the Hospice group and voila I have a new password but need to put in my own.  That should take a while.

John is doing poorly, the heat here in the Valley, Langley, BC has been horendous, mind you we have a portably air conditioner so that helps.  The nurse came and they will be coming more frequently as he is sleeping more, cannot breath with his COPD and has some pain which, thankfully is controlled by his medication. Morphine.

I will be back in touch soon as I now have acess to the group.

Once again, Jain, you have been a great daughter to your mother, you have been a great resource and help to myself and I am sure to others.  I wish you peace and fond memories of your mother and share in loss in grief.

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Reply by Nouce
20 Jul 2014, 10:59 PM

It seems like so many are losing their loved ones this week. My heart goes out to you all. As a carefiver, I feel my partner has taken another big step toward the end in the past week, and yet, and yet, he goes one, and I struggle to walk with him day by day. I am so gratefu lto be a part of this community.

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Reply by marstin
21 Jul 2014, 12:24 AM

My heart goes out to you Jain. This has been such a difficult time for you and yet you filled your mom's final days with so many wonderful things to bring her comfort. How blessed you were to be able to have those moments that you will cherish forever.

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Reply by jaindough
21 Jul 2014, 1:40 AM

Thank you all for your kind words. I want to thank all of you for being a support during what is the hardest time I have ever gone through in my life. It has been a long road for mom but she is at rest now.

We had the funeral on Saturday and my family came to stay at the house. Mom's good friends came in from out of town as well. My husband and I went to the funeral parlour early to help the funeral director set up (it just happened that way since we had to stop in to see him. He asked us if we wanted to help and I was honoured to.)

We set out flowers and watched her picture slideshow, just the three of us. 

In my many lonely, sleepless night at mom's house, when I was alone for hose many weeks with my husband or baby, I woulld while the time away reminiscing by looking at the things mom kep. I came to realize that she had kept pretty well every single pair of glasses she ever owned. I piled them up as I found them and tucked them in a special drawer.

Two nights before the funeral, my husband and I went through the many pictures mom had; I selected a whole bunch from her entire life so that we could prepare the photo slideshow for her funeral. I decided to select five special photos and five of her glasses to set out as a special display. The photo selected had the pair of glasses mom was wearing in it right there next to the frame. It was very special and made the funeral more personal.

I prepared a eulogy for mom and everyone told me that I did a good job and truly captured her essence. My gradeschool principle helped with the ceremony. My grade two and grade seven teachers were there. Many faces from the church we attended when I was a child. Faces of my childhood friends parents. Friendly old faces I hadn't seen for years and years. How heartwarming.

I found a poem that I read from when reading my eulogy and I want to share it with you. I thought it was truly special. It is called When Death Comes by Mary Oliver.

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom; taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world. 

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Reply by Xenia
22 Jul 2014, 4:23 PM

Good Morning All:

A beautifll poem Jain.  So reflective on our daily lives.  Pleased that all went well with the funeral arrangements and that you were able to take part in your mom's funeral prerparations.

My life has been on a standstill.  Some days I feel like I am trapped around 4 walls then I reflect on why and that passes.  Miss the days of going out with John even though it was for only a few hours, miss his talking even though he was not a great talker but now it is less as it is hard for him to talk with his COPD, etc.

I think I told you that John asked me when and what time I will be back from my respite.  I wondred why he asked this each time I went out, nothing more, no anger, no guilt trip, just when will you be back.  Laughing I said "John, you miss me that much?"  "Yes, he replied, I am lost witihout you and just to know you are here"  So thatsolved the mystery.  He doesn;t mind me going out, it just is a comfort for him to know I'll be back.

The heat was terrific last week, thank goodness for portable Air conditioner.  Helped John with his breathing.  He was very ill last week and this week, so far, he feels better but he needs to get to his bed shortly after he has had breakfast and had a nap in his recliner.  He wants to have his meals at  the table and then we-play solitaire, I play and he watches.  This is a ritual we used to have when we were up country in our log house when we lived in the Northern part of B.C.  We each had a deck of cards and knew all the games, now that he is very blind he watches and tells me what cards to move.  Has  hard time distinguising the clubs from the other and hearts from diamonds.  But we do three games and finish for the breakfast session, then do same in the evening after dinner.

Nurse called yesterday and was pleased with John;s care.  I felt that perhaps I was having too much input in answering for John when the nurses visit as John is very deaf even with his hearing aides and I will have to fill in for him or ask the question louder.  No she replied, they know you are the caregiver and keep a record of his daily mes, bms, etc so they rely on you.  

To-day is a lazy day, I just didn;t feel like getting up, but 5:30 came and voila, my eyes were open and the day began.  Still haven;t emptied the dishwasher from last nite, did a touch up vacuuming around the dining room table as John drops food, etc.  Have a mat there so most is on it.  Daughter wants me to have someone come in and do some of the other work, am thinking of it.  Such as the windows, mirrors and baseboards.  Oh Happy day, thining of doing them...oh well, John's care is more important.

I hear the men on the roof, putting up new shingles on the complex and the noise is on going.  Off I go to get John into bed for his morning nap and I can read a chapter of a book I started a while back, I used to be such an avid reader, now I can't seem to concentrate and go back a number of times rereading what I just read.

All for now ,  take care.

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Reply by NatR
22 Jul 2014, 5:50 PM

Hello to you Jain

thank you for sharing everything about the funeral, your moms last weeks and all the details that you soaked up while looking at all the memories in your moms home.

my sincere sympathies again to you - and I want you to know what a good job you did for your mom in life and in death.

its nice to know that you had support and friends to help you with all the detauls
the poem is lovely too.

its going to be awhile before you feel anything like normal again - but having your son and your husband will help fill your heart and your days

feel free to check in anytime you need or wish to.
Sending you my thoughts  

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Reply by NatR
22 Jul 2014, 5:58 PM

To Xenia,

i just wanted to say to you  - that from your notes I can see how very devoted and in love you are with your husband 
you obviously complete him as well, as he wants your presence in the home and is reassured that all will be well if you are there.

its goof that you are getting out of the house a bit - you definitely need those breaks !

i agree with your daughter about having someone come in to do some cleaning for you;) you deserve the help and it's possible that another visitor to your home will also do you good - someone to talk to, perhaps visit with a bit.

 I remember years ago doing cleaning for a home care company.  As a caregiver working in the community you could be assigned meal prep and cleaning assignments as well as taking care of clients personal needs, activities of daily living.

i remember that after my cleaning chores were done - it was a part of the visit to sit and share tea and cookies with that senior couple;)

i wad was probably one of the rare  people to visit their home - and they needed the socail interaction as well as the cleaning help:)

i hope that whoever  come to help you Xenia, that perhaps she will brighten your day as well as your window panes;)
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Reply by NatR
22 Jul 2014, 5:59 PM

So sorry about the spelling errors! Yikes spell check!!!!
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