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Reply by KathCull_admin
15 Jun 2015, 3:04 AM

Hello everyone,
A new member Birch started Supporting from a distance this evening. She lives some distance from her parents.  Could I ask you to consider responding to her post?

Jaindough – it’s coming up to a year since your mother died. Thinking of you and your little family.

Thanks for thinking about it.


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Reply by jaindough
15 Jun 2015, 6:00 PM

It is coming on one year already, hard to believe it.

I often reflect on what my life was like last year at this time. How untethered I felt and so guilty at every turn. Guilty for not being with my newborn when he needed me and then, in turn, guilty when not by mom's side when she needed me. I think about how little I slept and how poorly I ate. I think about the physical manifestations of stress in my post-partum body. How I would cry for no immediate reason. How the smallest frustrations were monumental in my eyes. How I watched my mother transform before my eyes, day by day. How I would be sitting in a room with mom and at times feel like I were alone in a great void.

When I feel upset with any trifling thing in my life, I hit rewind and play back those moments. It makes me deeply appreciative of the peace, ease and tranquility with which I live my life today.

I miss my mother in so many different ways, I have a hard time articulating my grief. And it hits me at the strangest and most random of times. I'll find myself tearing up because of a certain smell or a certain turn of phrase that mom may have used. 

I am still so very angry at what I, my husband and my baby had to go through. I am even angrier at what mom had to suffer at the end of her life. It seems so unfitting for such a brazen and powerful woman to have been robbed of all of her strength at the end, and so prematurely.

This time of year is especially hard as it is the 4th anniverary of my brother's passing. That is something mom never came to terms with and she and I turned to eachother for comfort on the matter. 

I miss my family deeply. I feel this tremendous weight on my shoulders to somehow preserve their memories. It feels like it is my responsibility. I don't exactly know how to go about doing that. The boxes I brought home from the same of my childhood home are still sitting, unopened, in our guest room. I still can't quite bring myself to sort through them.

I know that grief is not a hurdle, it is the journey. My journey is not nearly done. 
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Reply by NatR
15 Jun 2015, 10:29 PM

Dear Jaindough,

its been a long long tough year for  you.. In Fact a few tough years - with the loss of your brother as well.

i don't have any answers but I am glad you shared your feelings here.
it is hard not to be angry at the losses you had, the stress of your newborn baby at the same time your mom needed you...

but out you did make it, you did the right thing...and as hard as it was I am sure you will always be glad that you could be there with your mom to the end.

i feel guilty because I was too far away to be with my mom at the end...something that I will always carry.

we who are left behind are all dealing with various levels of grief, pain, loss, grief and sadness.

glad you wrote
sending you a cyber hug
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Reply by jaindough
30 Sep 2017, 8:45 PM

It has been over three years since my mother has passed and I thought I would send the forum a little update.

My litte baby boy is now a rambunctious three and a half year old, keeping us busy every day. We also have expanded our family with a second precious little baby boy who is now just 4 months old. My husband and I are so tired, but so overjoyed.

My life is a happy one. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful little boys. I miss my mother (and my entire family) every day and wish so much that they could share in the joy that is my life. I think of my mom, dad, brother and stepdad every single day and I am coming to terms with the fact that this will simply be reality for me. I think of them with great fondness and so my memories are not necessarily sad ones. Thinking of them brings me comfort. I still have a hard time thinking of mom in a purely positive way. I still struggle with those last hard days she lived with her illness. 

I'm doing much better, however. I have to say, having a newborn brought back all of those emotions I struggled with when I had my first child and mom was dying. Vividly. 

And so there it is. My life is wonderful. My grief is not gone. It has simply transformed. But I am doing much better and feel thankful for the blessings I have in my life. I have learned, through my losses, that I much cherish every day that I do have. And I do.
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Reply by NatR
01 Oct 2017, 12:06 AM

Hi there,
 It’s good to get the update from you as your life has continued to grow and expand with your two boys.

congratulations and  thanks so much for writing 
it is good to know that despite your tremendous loss and all the stress you were under - that you are emerging out the other side of it.  I am glad to hear it

the message board is a bit quiet - everyone seems to be hanging in and carrying on
if anyone has an update as well please do add to this thread 

for myself - I had a move in January into a seniors building - and it has been a good move for me
i have safety, new friends, activities to be part of and a nice view on top of that 

I think of you all but tend to be on the run and forget to type a note here
the good thing is, this board is always ready to take on new life, bring us together and lend support.

i wish you all a good weekend 
I have to say we have been blessed in northern Ontario with some Indian summer - and I helped the ladies here to bake 250 apple 🍎 pies a week ago! 
It was something / especially in 30 plus degree heat and humidity 

even the men got in on the event, coring and peeling all the apples 
good evening to all
best wishes 
thanks again Jaindough :)
natR 😘


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Reply by Nouce
01 Oct 2017, 10:55 PM

Thanks, Jaindough. It's good to hear from you. natR, you are right, I have been hunkering down and carrying down. I went to visit my 85-year-old aunt, who is doing well, but she is worried about her older sister, my aunt in BC, who is so far away from Virginia, whose husband is quite sick, and who can't seem to manage on her own. How do we reach out to those so far away?

There is something about autumn that refreshes grief. Talking with my aunt reminded me so much of my mom, who died four years ago. And I cope every day with Pablo, my partner, who can't remember anything for more than 5 minutes. He still knows how to say thank you, though.


Love to all,


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Reply by Xenia
01 Oct 2017, 11:20 PM

To All on Line:

What a wonderful surprise to open my computer mail and find friends on line.  Also, that I was notified as some of the message on the other board "Who advocates for Me" doesn't send out notices or else something happened to my computer.

Enough of small talk, how wonderful to hear from all of you.  Brings back all the good help one receives on the message boards.  

Nounce:  Like you I find autum/fall a happy tearful time in my life.  I love this and loved this time of year when my husband, John, was alive and when we lived in the Cariboo, Northern B.C.  Cutting fallen trees, loading them on the truck, hauling them back to the log house for winter heat.  There is a song by Hoggie Carmichael if one remembers him, it goes something like, "I miss you most of all, my darling, when Autmn leaves start to fall." 

Nat: So glad to hear from you and that you are enjoying your move to the senior's building.  Keeping busy and baking all those pies, so many changes one goes through in life and often for the better.  I too am enjoying my new life in the Senior's home in Burnaby, B.C., which I have written about on the other message board.  To-day it is sunny and cool, watching the ships moving on the ocean is a daily occurrence and I am so blessed to be living here, often bitter sweet as the senior's residence oversees the Pacific Ocean and the harbour and the docks where John used to work.  Brings back memories of him saying such and such ship was in and watching the Cruise ships docking in Vancouver as I am on the border of Vancouver overlooking Vancouver, the Lions Gate Bridge and further into the distance the 2nd Narrows bridge leading to North Vancouver  eclipsed by the many mounains in the back ground.  Life is good. 

Jaindough:  You are one brave and wonderful woman to have gone through the many  stresses you have been though this past year.  Your sharing has helped me understand the pain you have gone through and how you have moved ahead in your life.  I have had to endure a number of losses of husband, two brothers and friends this past two years and feel your pain, however, you have had more than most with the birth of your child and having to be with your mother when both needed you and the loss of your brother.  

Now that your son is 3 going on 4 you will get much joy with him and your husband.  The past will be a memory, sometimes painful but having the little one will help you get some relief from the stress you had these past few years and you have the support of all on CVH.  I wish you continued happiness and a wonderful time doting on your son and looking to a wonderful future with him and your husband.

Nat:  I miss the others on Who Advocates for me, I must go back on line and see if anyone responds.  Thank you for being you and being there for so many of us on CVH.

Love and Hugs to All

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Reply by NatR
04 Oct 2017, 7:03 PM

Lovely to hear from you Xenia 

so nice to read your words and hear your update 
it made my day today find some notes when I came back home from a three day trip to a secluded lake with no internet, no radio, no tv, ( just at the main lodge and only for a short time to get highlights)

actually  the news of the day is tough lately  
i didn’t mid a bit of a break - watching water , listening to the wind in the trees  and learning how to catch fish 😂 🐠 

wishing everyone a good day and a good week
best wishes to all
NatR 😘
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Reply by NatR
04 Oct 2017, 7:06 PM

Forgot to mention Nouce, jaindough, Jimmie 
hugs to you too :)
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Reply by jorola
04 Oct 2017, 7:40 PM

Hello all,

Remember me? I remember all you sweet folks helping me during a time when i was sure i was going to lose my husband to lung cancer.
Well here we are 3.5 years later and that 8 month timeline they initially gave Mick is long gone and he is insulating his garage and made one heck of a mess. I love it LOL. He had another scan in August and he remains NED (no evidence of disease). His dr loves it when we come in. He books us in for the last appointment for the day and we just sit and chat about whatever. This time it was camping in BC. We spent 2 weeks with Mick's daughter and granddaughter at Christina Lake BC. 3rd time there. We loved it so much we put our name in for a permanent spot. Us and our little 1972 Boler camper we are fixing up. Kids are going great. Added a new furball to the herd. A chorkie - Chihuahua/yorkie mix - a whole 5 lb fierce (well he thinks so) little thing) named Sherman after the Sherman tank. Jimmie, Nouce, jaindough, natR, Katherine, Old Bat, colleen, marstin and dear sweet Xenia and I know i have miss many - love and hugs to you all. Miss you all so much. Special hugs to you during this time jaindough.  


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