Hi Jodie,
I taked to you on the other thread you posted about the loss of friends.
I keep reading about you expecting more of yourself because of your social work background. This is a really tough thing you are going through, you have to cut yourself some slack.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband, George, really spiralled down. We thought it was the end. He stopped eating, slept all the time, was not coherent, he stopped drinking and had practically no urine output at all. I thought it was over. I was told the COPD was going to end his life in maybe 3 months- that was last June. When I thought the end was near, I could not believe it effected me like it did. I kept thinking "you knew it would happen, why are you acting this way?" I was acting that way because the head and the heart are not the same. You know what the process is, but when you have to go through it, it no longer is about what you learned in school or the seminars you attended. It is about losing the love of your life. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through. Take advantage of the people here. You can say anything to us and we will get you. We will listen and we know the feelings that you have to deal with.
You really need to sleep. I know when I have a night of my mind whirling, thinking of the what ifs, how will I cope, how can I do this, I pick a song. I sing a phrase of it in my head over and over. It helps me. It engages my mind and does not allow me to keep thinking of all the bad things. I fall asleep.
I hear you saying you feel bad because you should be strong for Mick. Remember, you are going through this together. Some days he will be the strong one and some days you will. Give yourself some time, do the best that you can then wish it well. It is all you can do anyway. Don't be hard on yourself. Come here, vent and we will listen. We all want the best for you. You have not had time to process what is happening to you. Just be sure to keep coming here and talking to us- we will be there for you.
Mary