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Feeling burnt out - just soooooooo tired 
Started by jorola
04 Nov 2014, 2:14 AM
Hey everybody,

In a whiny mood today. Things for Mick are going quite well. He finished his dex (steroid) about 1.5 weeks ago. His remaining symptoms are tireness and acne that is resolving. He still has a cough which makes me nervous but considering how much radiation he had - a full 6 weeks "cranked up as high as we can go" according to the doc, it is not surprising he may haveperm damage to his lungs. Something we can live with cuz at least he is living, right?

The problem is me. I think my adrenaline up and quit. I am exhausted all the time. I have major pains throught my body - especially my neck, shoulder and right hip. I have daily headaches rating from a 4 to 6 out of ten except today was a 10/10. Took painkillers because i just could not hack it anymore. Normally i take naproxsen which takes the edge off but today i just needed the pain gone. I am so forgetfull I leave sticky notes for myself and either forget to look at them or a lose them. My house which is normally tidy, is a disaster zone. well not quite but to my standards yes.

I do not want to leave the house at all. Made myself go to our neice's 6th birthday party. Glad i went but i really had to force myself. I shouldn't have to. LOL had a major headache from all the screaming little girls.

I have a very hard time getting up and going to work each day. I seriously have to talk to myself for 20 minutes or more each morning when i wake up to get out of bed. I have to work. Mick was on disability for severe periforial arterial disease for the last 9 years so we are basically a one income family. I have no choice. Work has been very good to me but i do not want to push things. I really need my job and the benefits. I took 3 months off when Mick was first diagnosed. I know it was not really time off but the thought of going on stress leave again stresses me. In my job (disability mangement) it is very fast pace work, emotionally vested (at least i am - other choose to be cold/hard asses and I can't). I never took holidays until the week i added on for my gallbladder surgery in Septmeber. I stil wasn't moving much cuz my gallbladder was in such bad shape when they took it out and I developed an infection. I go on 2 weeks off starting nov 24/14. we were supposed to be going to Mexico for a honeymoon but due to mick's spending spree when he first went on the dex there is no money for that anymore. so i got the day before my wedding off and was back to work that Monday. I got the last two weeks of the year off too. I am looking forward to spending time with my family. Last december Mick's sister committed suicide Dec 8 so i would really like to have a christmas that is not so depressing and my family got ignored due to us obviously being with mick's family.

So i am taking some time off, i am taking my medication and following up with my doc this week. Doing eveything i need to do for myself.

What's my point. Not sure i have one. Guess i am just having a hissy fit and posting about it.
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Reply by NatR
04 Nov 2014, 3:01 AM
Dear Jorola,

oh oh my goodness girl! Really? I cannot believe what you are doing each and every day  - plus being caregiver and Jill of all trades!

on top of this you are definitely burning out in my humble opinion, and you are entitled to a leave of absence just for stress alone.  I hope you can talk to your doctor and arrange something that will ease your stress level - which is now coming out in all your symptoms, headaches, fatigue etc.

i know it's really difficult to manage financially but there must be a way - or you are going to be in serious need of support for both you and mick;(

i wish I could offer more than validation  but Jorola you aren't just whining - you are saying it like it is and asking for help.  Please talk to your doctor and I hope you can take a bit more time off.

ifvi could change things for families and caregivers - I would tell people to "walk a mile in your shoes" !!! Believe me they wouldn't be able to do it for long!
bravo to you and here's hoping an answer presents itself.
sending hugs,
natR 😊 
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Reply by jorola
05 Nov 2014, 1:24 AM
Thanks for listening to me Nat. Hug rec'd. It helped.

I know I am in trouble. When my first husband had a stroke (ya i know how to pick 'em...sigh) I was go go go until things finally settled over 2 yrs later and then, cuz i could, I crashed. Think i am in the same boat. Things are ok so my body says, "screw you, i am done and taking a break whether you like it or not. i'll even force you to take a break. Watch!" as i have a sudden cramp in my shoulder and neck. OW! ok ok already.
LOL ya i am now typing the conversations I am having with my body - neon sign!
I plan on spending sometime with my maw when i am off. Dad is gone hunting so it will just be the two of us. That will be fun. Just us.
I will talk with my doc. See what he says.
Thanks again Nat.
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Reply by KathCull_admin
05 Nov 2014, 4:02 AM
Hi Jorola 
As I was reading your post I started thinking about how our body gives us messages/warnings - quite amazing when you think about it. + the body won't take 'not listening' for an answer. Do you think perhaps with Mick you are more aware of what your body is saying to you sooner? 

Sounds like spending time with your 'maw' is a treasured thing. Hope you have a good helping of fun.  Will you see the doctor before then?

Take care

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Reply by Jimmie
05 Nov 2014, 2:37 PM

AS I read your posts the image that came to mind was of an exhausted surfer trying to ride a treacherous, unpredictable wave - battered, bruised, and exhausted from the effort to do so.  I have seen such waves along the coast where I live. I know something of their force. They are to be respected.

Seems to me from what you write that you find yourself battered, and bruised, from the trauma you have endured over the last while. That you should ache physically and emotionally, that you body and mind should by crying out for rest in the only langage they know is no surprise. You have been pummelled upon the shore by wave after wave of trauma and exhaustion. I don't know how you have the energy to speak - let alone get up out of bed - given the demands that have been repeatedly made upon your spirit.

I do not understand your partner's condition.  You tell me that he is improving after very chalenging  treatments.  YOu tell me things are, at least for the moment, slightly better.  I hope, during this moment of reprieve, you will take the time to rest yourself, and find someone - sounds maybe like your mother - who will care for you when you do.

I am not a religious person, but you remind me of the story of Jonah.  You have certainly spent your time in the "belly of the beast".  For the moment, perhaps you have been thrown up upon the rocky shore - exhausted as he was - I wish you the warmth of the sun, and the care and companionship of others to help you revive, to give you rest, to soothe your aching body and calm your mind. I think such care is best found in the arms of those who love you.  Rest there that your own arms might regain some strength.

It is the first week of November.  They are playing Christmas carols in some of the local stores.  Normally, that drives me crazy - but - out of support and affection for you, I will sing along with a few of them in your honour wishing, as I do, a restful, restorative Christmas for you and your family. 

Take care!  You are a marvel to me. Rest, as Jonah upon the shore.

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Reply by Nouce
05 Nov 2014, 3:57 PM

Dear Jorola,

     Oh, how I can feel your fatique and exhaustion. Working a high-powered job and care-giving together are really a huge load. Chances are sleep isn't enough or deep enough, either. One little thing that I have found, to give a bit of a boost through the day, is tapping on acupressure points on my face (as long as folks aren't watching). Or sometimes I just tell myself, I'm exhausted but I'm a good person and I'm doing the best I can.

     I send you deep breaths and much care.



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Reply by jorola
06 Nov 2014, 1:15 AM
Thank you everyone.

Jim you are very kind as always. I thank you for your advice. I actually plan on being Jonah this weekend with a blanket and some good books. LOL thanks for singing for me. I will sing when i do get the lights up this weekend (the only i plan on doing other than reading and only because it is gonna get flippen cold here starting Monday). I am sorry I did not say much about Mick. He was diagnosed with squamous lung cancer stage 3 b in April of this year. He already had enough on his plate but he is the rare kind of man that takes it all in stride and always makes the best of it. He is my hero. We plan on taking some time just for us on my time off to just be together - no cancer, no stress - just us. I am always better when I am in his arms.

Thanks Nouce. I have read your story and you a truly a strong and kind person o you honour my with your words. Your right - deep breaths.

I owe such deep gratitude to all of you for your support. I try not to worry Mick because I want him to focus on himself and getting better. Here I can say what i want to, what i need to and know you will all understand and not judge and be nothing but kind and supportive. I do not know what I would do without you.

To all of you - hugs, good wishes and stength as you deal with your own struggles yet take time out to help and support others. You are the best!
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Reply by jorola
09 Nov 2014, 6:35 PM
Well no Christmas lights this weekend. Started snowing Friday and thanks to the the hurricane out west, the polar votex is here with -10 degrees and more snow on the way.

INstead my an my bigger dog Ralph are spending quality time together. I am curled up in a blanket sipping coffee and relaxing with him. As he farts, sigh. LOL i have never seen such a confused dog when he farts. He turns to look at his butt everytime with a look of pure wonder. (insert belly laughing)

Sorry, just thought i would share with you.

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Reply by AdoptedSon
09 Nov 2014, 10:15 PM
Aren't dogs fun?

Our little Jack Russel, Molly, is a real tooter, but she doesn't turn around and look at her backside, instead she raises her head, and stares at David, my partner, with a look of  "why did you do that?"

Guess it's her way of getting back at him, because when he toots, he always blames Molly.  

Who says dogs aren't smart?  
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Reply by jorola
10 Nov 2014, 12:26 AM
LOL i so agree. Our other little dog looks at my husband with disgusts and leaves whenever my husband farts on him. Really it is his own fault for always curling up in Mick's legs by his butt. Where would we be without them for comedy.
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