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Reply by Xenia

10 Nov 2014, 5:12 PM

Hello Jorola and all:

Tried to get on line the past few days to no avail, kept saying I had an error on the page, went to another page and found something saying about default and I took a chance and hit it and voila I have reconnected with you.

Jorola, I understand some of your tiredness and not wanting to get out of bed. I believe this happens to all the caregivers as I find myself doing this, dreading the 5:00 when I usually wake up and all of a sudden I feel my heart beating faster, I have to cook the cereal, get the meds, oh yes and make sure the laundry is done, etc. etc. I have tried to stop this rapid thinking and slow down. It is hard but I am trying. The pain in the neck and back I understand as the muscles tighten up and pain begins.

Jim has such good advice and singing is one of the diversions I have used to help myself. My kids tell me to pleez not sing, but they know I use it as a way to keep my mind off of my caregiving and needing a way out of all the turmoil.

John has not been doing too well and I find myself thinking....when will all this end, then scold myself mentally that I am being mean, I want him to live, I want to be a good caregiver and so the days go. I am going out more with the girls and have the respite so that helps. I have learned to look at housework as never ending and what used to be my standard is now gone and who cares. The condo looks more like a hospital ward then a living room etc. Wheel chair, oxygen tubing,extra cylinders of oxygen. Medication on the side board, wheel chair in the bedroom and so it goes and with this I have considered what is the use of looking at being the best house keeper it is asking too much of myself. So if the counters are messy, the floor not vacuumed properly who gives a care I am busy with caregiving and looking after myself.

To-day is a cold and sunny day. Cold by BC standards, 9 degrees, but no snow on the coast as yet. Snow up north and it looks like they will be getting lower temperatures over night. We have had great weather for the month of November so we can't complain.

Take care and keep posting. It keeps me going and I know it is much appreciated by others as well.

Xenia

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Reply by Nouce

10 Nov 2014, 6:22 PM

Greetings to all,

Xenia, your description sounds so much like my house and my life. I've just been through a major row with one stepdaughter, when I said that we could no longer host our family in our house. (It has become a caregiving center, mess and all). I even rented a nearby apartment so they can come and go as they are able (both stepdaughters and their families live at a distance.)

It's hard to let go of standards that were lovingly and sometimes sternly imparted by our elders. But now a hot bowl of soup, served to my partner in his easy chair before the TV news, is the way life is.

My last uncle (mother's brother), in Saskatchewan, died this weekend. Feeling very sad that it is too far away for me to attend. My best to all.

Nouce

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Reply by Xenia

10 Nov 2014, 8:48 PM

Hi All:

Help, I am so mixed up and angry....why, I am so short and I can't reach the cupboards, John has a hearing aide and can't hear and I am repeating myself all day long.

Is he not hearing me or is he just not listening? I have to repeat so as just now, repeat what I had told him 1/2 an our ago. I am not mad at him I mad at the world to-day as I am hurting, I have to make an appointment for myself for the dr. but I have to arrange the days as she does not work on Wednesday, my repite day, so on and on and I sat down and started to write about how angry I am.

I was making beef stew for dinner to-nite and had to reach for an item up high in the cupboards and that was when I got angry. Stew is in the oven cooking slowly and I am beginning to cool off. Time out did it.

Nounce, I know you can apprecite the feelings we get at times. I am usually so good at going with the flow and wouldn;t you know it, not being tall did it to me just now.

I am going to sit down in the living room and watch the boob tube. It is very warm here in the condo, sun is shining had to pull the venetian blinds on the sliding door but it is a great day. Leave all the cleanup in the kitchen for later, John has had his shower done by the care aide, had his sleep and lunch and is ready to go back to bed.

Thanks for listening. Bless all of you the short and tall, no ice cream of cookies for flat footed rookies so cheer up me lads bless em all. That just came to my mind, old army songs.

Hugs to all.

Xenia

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Reply by NatR

10 Nov 2014, 10:42 PM

Hello Xenia and everyone reading and writing on this thread;)

Xenia I am sorry you blew a gasket today but I think you had to;)
i am sure that all the frustration and exhaustion is wearing you down:( and it's okay to have a venting - I hear you and I get it!

you are still one of the Super Heroes who write on the forum - I would pick you to be my caregiver - and I would include the others who bravely write their feelings out here.

you mentioned you have sunshine - glad you do! We are under a storm warning for the next two days in northern Ontario - we are getting 20 to 50 cm of snow!!!! It's only November 10! I can't imagine what the rest of the winter will be like! the plows and salt trucks are running around town with their blue lights flashing... It's going to be a bumpy start to winter. I can only hope spring will come before the Easter Bunny:)

i have candles and flash lights in case of power outages - I do wish I had bought the chocolate bars I looked at in the grocery store today though;)

today I have gone to the store for rations to carry me over for the next couple of days. I hope no one else has to deal with such weather - but I did hear there's a cold spell in alberta - yikes!!!

i am writing a bit about my day because I figure that you Xenia could do with just a bit of chatter to read:) and know that you are having a much better weather than we are out in northern Ontario

I can sympathize with your anger and frustration though and you are going to be ok!!

try and take things one day at a time and when you feel it's right - don't feel badly about needing more care for john than you can provide - we all have our breaking point - and that's not a negative thing - remember that you have been doing a very demanding job at home with John.

i have seen the notes flying back and forth between several of you / and I think it's wonderful;)

I wish I lived in your neighbourhood so I could drop by for tea and get you to talk it all out:)
but we have to settle for tea in each other's homes and share our support via the forum - which is definitely a help - bouncing ideas and problems off each other etc.

Sending you hugs and supporR from a distance;)
best wishes Xenia and same to all
natR

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Reply by NatR

10 Nov 2014, 11:13 PM

Dear Nouce,

i neglected to comment on your post.

I am sorry to hear of your loss and being unable to attend the funeral - that happened to me as well many years ago. It feels like a double whammy because you have lost a loved one and Cannot be involved in the gathering of famiky and sharing the grief

I send you my thoughts as well - I know its so much more complicated - life - when caregiving envelops us - hugs
NatR

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Reply by Xenia

11 Nov 2014, 12:20 AM

Good Evening to ALL"

First my regrets of not acknowedging or offering you my condolences, Nouce, on the passing of your uncle from Saskatchewan, I was born in Saskatchewan and one can have a real attachment to the province even when you live away. Regarding the storm in B.C. it petered out but have to be ready just like Nat R is at this time.

I had all the things ready, just like you Nat: Thanks for the wonderful email message, it helped me look at myself and yes I was ready for a screaming memmys and the cupboard brought it out. I feel much better now and the kitchen got cleaned, the stew is doing great and is delicious. That is one thing I can make, steaks, forget it, I do not like the smell of cooking steaks in the house and we do not have a BBQ so wait till we go to our daughter's home and enjoy one there. I learned to cook cheap, or is that the word, frugally and stew meat is frugal - not really as the price of beef is wicked so we go for fish and chicken.

Yes, Nat, when you think you wished you had picked up the chocolate bars reminds me of some of the things I would like to have in case the electricty goes out and I usually am running around looking for extra batteries, food that can be heated on a small coleman stove and choclate bars wait. Oh well, not good for us any how, so they say, too much sugar. lol

John is up and waiting for dinner. We eat early as he goes to be about 5:30 and I clean up and read or turn on the TV and watch the Knowledge network hoping to smarten up and get some good information.

All for now. Dinner needs to be served and John is waiting.

Take care and thanks again Nat. and all.

Xenia

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Reply by jorola

11 Nov 2014, 1:40 AM

Hi everyone,

Looks like we all kinda hit a bump in the road.

Nouce I am very sorry to hear about your uncle however I am happy you stood up for yourself. Care giving and hosting are not two things that should go together. still renting an apartment is very kind of you. I hope you and your husband have a peaceful evening.

Nat curl up with a warm blankie. I hope it doesn't snow too bad and your power stays on. Yes it is cold in Alberta right now. Going down below -20 tonight. Seeing as we had plus 15 last week it is a bit of a dramatic changes. Ground is white we had about 10 cm over the weekend. Thanks for always being there and giving us encouragement.

Dear Xenia. I know it is the little things that can drive you over the edge when you are stressed out. I have been that way for a bit here. I am just hanging on until I have some time off at the end of the month. I told Mick I need some us time and some sleep. Hang in there girl. Yes housework be damned. It truly isn't what matters right now.

Sending everyone big hugs!

Jodie

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Reply by AdoptedSon

11 Nov 2014, 3:06 AM

@Nouce Sorry to hear about your loss, and I can relate to the not being able to be there too.

November/December are not good months here, its coming to the one year anniversary for me, but I am going to try and refuse to let it totally take charge.

Its a bit coldish here, had a few wind storms and rain last week, but Saturday we laid in our emergency supplies.

Recharged the Kindle so its ready for use, got a nice light for those dark nights too. Downloaded some books so I am set if the power goes off, for entertainment. David's kindle is charged too so he's set.

For food, we laid in a nice supply of chocolates from the local Dollar Store. 2/$1 and they are darn delicious. Got a nice assorted of Doritas and Lays chips too, and if its cold enough, no worries on keeping the water chilled.

To satisfy the health nuts, we even stocked up on some nice flavored tins of tuna, pickles, and bacon. (Hey we have a bargeque, and it can snow, rain, hails, whatever, we will not do without our bacon fix)

Food is expensive, its being frugal to make a nice stew, or chili even. Now us on the other hand, we are definately CHEAPSKATES. We simply decided, we'll stick to a healthy diet of chocolate and chips from the Dollar store. To heck with food and paying all those high prices. Yes the tuna is from there too, so are the tins of beans and even sphaghetti O;s. (well some are, we do shop at the local grocery store, situated right next to a bank, where one can take a loan, to buy their groceries with.)

Bacon, well that's our luxury.

It is nice and crisp out, about 6c I think, but the wind makes it a tad chilly, and a bit of snow wouldn't be bad. Kind of like my snow, being an old Albertan before being hijacked to the land of BC.

By the way, anyone know what BC really stands for? BRING CASH!

Now who said us British Columbians don't have a sense of humour?

Anyhow, I hope everyone gets a chance to just take a deep breath. And bundle up if going out for a nice snowball fight.

hugs to all

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Reply by jorola

15 Nov 2014, 6:42 PM

Thanks for the giggles adoptiveson. I am sending you good thoughts as you approach the anniversary.

Back home in Alberta we are all grumping about the cold and snow - like this is new to us? Still we grumble. Hubby wants to go for lunch and a movie. I just bought new winter boots - good to -40 - so ya i am in.

I plan on cuddling up with my kindle later.

Stay warm.

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