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Reply by Q

22 Dec 2014, 2:20 AM

Thank you all again so much. I'm very glad I found this, you all are very kind. I really don't have any real friends or other support. I've always been a super shy & introverted so I don't make friends easily. My brother cancelled the hospice spot. He just badly wants to give her what she wanted in dying at home. es been really doing an amazing job with her care. I still feel guilty and like a horrible daughter Because I just can't do what he's doing. I can barely handle going there for a couple hrs a day. She looks awful and it just scares the living crap out of me. She can't talk, or get to the commode anymore so she's in adult diapers now. She stopped eating about 4-5 days ago & my brother spoon feeds her protein smoothies As well as water because she chokes badly and has coughing fits is she try's to drink. I work myself up brutally with feelings of guilt and fear even though I logically know it wont get me anywhere but maybe into a psych ward! Which actually sounds pretty damn good. Yup I'm clearly losing it. My mom being a narcissist has caused me some severe emotional baggage that I need to get help healing from. I'm afraid I may have inherited some narcissism myself. I logically know I need to stop killing myself with the hopless feelings of sadness, despair, guilt and fear. I just don't know how. So overwhelmed. No time for help for me. I work 6 days/wk full time and my commute is another 3-4 hrs. Then go see mom for a bit. After that I'm fricken exhausted. When my time comes I will not do this to my kids. I want them to stick my butt in hospice. And i now know that I better start planning and saving for my death. I am going to be cremated and then turned into a tree. It's called bios urn. My mom wants us to go into debt about $40,000 to be buried in Edmonton. We live in Surrey. We have no family there. Her reasoning behind this was that she came to Edmonton from Serbia & there are some of her friends buried there. Ugh. i don't understand it at all. Feels very selfish, unreasonable and just stupid to me. her kids and grandkids are in Surrey. To transport her body to edm, have a funeral there and for us all to fly there as well is just nuts to me. We don't have money. I clean for a living! I'm going to have to go into debt for this. Then we can't even visit her grave.
Very frustrated, angry, sad, scared, stressed and want this all to just end. 😓

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Reply by oldbat

22 Dec 2014, 2:57 AM

Dear Q,

How sad that your brother cancelled hospice. Is there any way you can make him see reason? It does sound that, like you, he is carring a huge burden of guilt and he, too, must be totally exhausted. But, and this is a huge but, neither of you can cope with this alone. Is there no-one who can get you extra help, if hospice is definitely out? A church group? Your doctor - not the one who sent your mother home that time. Social services? Anyone who could advocate on your behalf?

It's tough to have to seek out this kind of support alone, specially when you yourself are suffering with depression? Have your meds kicked in yet? It does sound like you are still suffering greatly, and I'm so sorry to hear that. How about the doctor who prescribed the meds? Can you talk to him/her? Your symptoms are serious. Being "frustrated, angry, sad, scared, stressed" and wanting "this to all just end" are huge emotional issues. Very natural ones, given your situation, but there is help out there, if you can just source it. You mention hospital. What about checking yourself in, if only for a week's respite? Nothing to do but eat and sleep - that always works for me.

I know what it's like to feel that you just can't go on. But somehow you will find the strength. Somehow we all do. Many of us on this site have experienced and, in some cases, are still dealing with exactly what you describe. So, keep on talking to us. We understand your fear, your stress and your pain. At least let us be here for you. CVH has been, literally, a life-saver for me. Just reading the responses to any posts I've made has eased my own burden immeasurably. You are no longer alone and friendless. We care. So please keep in touch.

oldbat

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Reply by tuna

22 Dec 2014, 3:56 AM

Dearest Q
I am so sorry about this lastest turn in events. You are in Surrey. I sometimes get over there. I would like to give you a real time listening ear to unload on.
I echo Oldbats appreciation of this website. I have spent hours purusing it, and have gained some comfort and perspective from many of the articles on this site.
We can't change the demise of our loved ones. But it was broght to my attention that we have the power to change our response to the stressors. I would like to hereby confer this strength to you.
Other words of wisdom given to me this week - sometimes it is just not reasonible or feasible to carry out every single wish of the dieing person.
I hope you find moments of serenity this week. You deserve to be taken care of as well.

I have learned there’s an inner peace I own. Something in my soul that they can not possess. So I won’t be afraid, the darkness will fade. — Mariah Carey

(((hugs))) Tuna

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Reply by JennJilks

22 Dec 2014, 8:44 PM

Dear Q,
What a tough time.
You wrote, "I logically know I need to stop killing myself with the hopless feelings of sadness, despair, guilt and fear."

You are not wrong or right with your feelings. It's how you manage them that makes a difference to your well-being.

I can only manage a certain amount, you're working for a living. You are not responsible for the situation.
You should feel sad. Guilty, not so much. What would help you is to know your mother was being taken care of. She is. You and your brother disagree. You cannot do anyting more than you are now.
What a horrible commute for you. At one point I was driving 62 km north to work, then back home, past my house, another 40 km to visit my late father.
As you are driving try to live in the present. Lok around you. Surrey is a beautiful place.

Do not be afraid. There is nothing you can do that will change the outcome. People choose to die with us there, or not, as they prefer. My mother sent me away! She didn't think I could handle it.

It is terribly difficult as you watch a family member dying, espcially when there are hard feelings and anger, and there is nothing you can do. Let it go.
Recognize your feelings. Acknowledge them. Then let them go.
You believe you have learned about your situation, and how you will manage your own death, to protect your children. This is a good thing! All is not lost.
Give yourself a break. Deep breath.
JJ

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Reply by Nouce

22 Dec 2014, 9:19 PM

Dear Q,

Crying and feeling guilty are normal, and finding whatever family you have dysfuntional is normal too, in this world of dying and living. Here is a thought my sister just shared with me, and I hope it may become true for you and for all of us: from Rabi`a al-Adawiyya: We are eating the bread of this world and doing the work of that world.

Hugs,

Nouce

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Reply by Q

25 Dec 2014, 9:30 AM

Thank you again everyone for the kind words, concern and compassion. I got more here fon a screen from strangers than anywhere else. Including the hospital And my friends. She's gone, she died at 7:45 tonight. She had a seizure this morning and went to the hospital. I'm devestated and traumatized. It was awful. there was nothing peaceful or beautiful about it. She struggled all day And It was agonizing to watch. This day and the look in her eyes will re-play in my head & haunt me forever. My brother and I held her hands as she took her last breath. I managed to get my oldest daughter out before to try to spare her some pain. We felt so alone. All of the hospital staff are so de-sensitized, de-thatched, and cold, it was just another day at the office. Christmas will never be the same 💔

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Reply by Nouce

25 Dec 2014, 1:40 PM

Dear Q
My heart breaks with you. Thoughts and candles will be directed your way from our house today!

Nouce

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Reply by oldbat

25 Dec 2014, 2:55 PM

Dear Q,

I am so, so sorry to hear about your Mother. Of course you're devastated. Can you and your brother share some time today? You need to be with someone who understands your grief.

I'll be thinking of you, praying for you and sending warm, loving feelings your way.

oldbat

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Reply by JennJilks

25 Dec 2014, 3:49 PM

My deepest condolences.
You write: "This day and the look in her eyes will re-play in my head & haunt me forever. "

Don't let this moment in time colour your memories.
Take some time to write up some good ones.
As my dear friend, who died at age 95 said, this is just one part of your life. It is not all of it.

Figure out what you have learned from this experience.
Know that you did the best you could, with the information and tools you had.
Know that she is in a place where she understands and all is forgiven. (That's what gets me through.)
Forgive yourself for any wrongs.
Write her a letter or her obituary. Take it easy on yourself.
Many hugs
Next Christmas will be better. You owe it to your daughter to look forward. You owe to yourself to look backwards with rose-coloured glasses!
That's my 2 cents!!!
Jennifer

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Reply by KathCull_admin

25 Dec 2014, 4:02 PM

Dear Q
My sympathy to you. You and your brother did all you could to care for her at home with love and dignity. I am sorry that your mother's last day was so awful for all of you.

I was touched by the image you wrote as she took her last breath. A family that has had it's share of bad times and good, holding hands and caring for each other. I hope that will bring you some comfort in the coming days.

The last few weeks have been so intense and busy, I would imagine you are exhausted. As Oldbat and Nouce have said, I will be thinking about you and wishing you rest.
Katherine

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