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when it's not enough.... 
Started by Wingman
11 May 2015, 2:56 AM

treasure each day.....
spend time that you can....
make moments count....
tell her you love her....
be there...listen...be present.....

What about the times this isnt enough...:(
Its not good enough....
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Reply by JennJilks
11 May 2015, 12:53 PM

This is exactly how we are managing our journey through cancer.
It has to be good enough, WM. One can only do the best one can at the time.  

There are times you will feel sorrow, and that is important, too. If you do not feel such sorrow, the good times and the love, would have meant nothing. 

We are anticipating healthcare visit #35 next month. It's been along journey. There are times I want to wallow, it's good to feel the grief and have the tears. I'm on antidepressants, too high a dose at this time, and I have been unable to cry. With the losses of last year, I had to up my meds.

Give yourself permission to grieve. You are allowed to. It is important to feel these emotions.
What is going on in your life, WM? It helps, also, to share it.
This is a powerful poem. Well-done. There is much therapeutic value in writing. I know.
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Reply by Nouce
11 May 2015, 1:03 PM

yes, or you get impatient with the string of needs and requests, while you're trying to respond to the one just before that,

or exhausted wiping up the floor, washing bedding again,

or the empty feeling as his face looks back at you blankly?

when it's not enough, I go out and listen for the chimney swifts, or gaze at the waning moon, or have a glass of wine after he's asleep,

and remember, I am small, but the universe is great, and I still believe it bends toward love and justice



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Reply by EastCoastPEI
11 May 2015, 1:13 PM

I know... oh I know... and I can sit here and give you all the positive uplifting advice I can give but ..there are days when ya know... this...just....sucks.   SUCKS!!  and you feel helpless, and hopeless, and useless, and selfish, and guilty, and incomprehensibly sad, lost, etc, etc...  

The only thing I can say... and it doesn't feel like it at the time, but it's all part of the process... it's natural, it's normal.. this is the end of someone's life we're talking about, not a nameless person in some far off land.. this is someone close...someone we love... and.. it... SUCKS.  

day at a time my friend... 

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Reply by Tian
11 May 2015, 5:29 PM

I think you are right Wingman - It's not good enough. There is no replacing the loss of a loved one. But as JennJilks says one can only do the best one can. And in the situation described so eloquently by EastCoastPEI it is a struggle to say the least. 

I think it's open to question whether the universe bends toward love and justice but I do like looking up at it if it's night and it's clear, especially if my head needs clearing. As Nouce suggests, take it where you can get it Wingman.

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Reply by JennJilks
11 May 2015, 5:50 PM

Yes, caregiving is terribly difficult. There are times when you say enough.
But who better to be the caregiver when you are honouring someone at the end of their life.

You can 'rage against the dying of your life', rage against fatigue, chores, errands, roles one plays, but in the long run, what an honour to have been chosen to help another slip across to the other side.

This, too, is a time for saying NO. When you cannot cope. When you need a break. Just stop.
It is the hardest time to reach out for help, I know. I bumbled along road weary.
Know that there are people out there who have learned from walking this road. Vent, rage, cocoon.
There are hospice groups to help, as I now volunteer with one.
I have put some of my work on hold, as hubby is being tested and poked to death. Pun intended.
Give yourself permission.
I remember emptying a catheter bag and thinking that I'd done my time changing 3 kids' diapers. THen thinking, how better to be prepared for this challenge?
 Nothing is fair. They are talking about radiation for my husband. My son-in-law was talking about watching their friend's 5-yr-old manage; first radiation and then chemo. He died two years ago. It puts is all in perspective for me. There are days I feel sad. I heave learned much about myself form this journey.
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