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Running on Empty .... 
Started by Razz
18 Jun 2015, 7:40 PM

I'm desparately trying to hold it all together because if I can't thOen I'll be of no help to anyone.  The problem is I feel like I'm emotionally spent ..... like I have no more to give and yet still know that my "job" is not done.  

Update on my biggest concern at the moment:
We weighed her on Tues. and she's down to 69 lbs. Other than the Ensure the Home Aides give her twice a day and the odd glass of Coke or drink of "Peace Juice" she is not ingesting anything else.  She now spends her days sleeping and then getting up for the occaional smoke.  She sees no point in getting dressed since she's not planning on going anywhere any way.  She told me on Tues. while the dietician was there that if it's her time to go she's OK with that.  We had a bit of a chat about that but didn't get into too much depth as the dietician was still there.   On the other hand she was absolutel admant that she not miss her appaointment to get her hair done today.   I'm going in early today to get her dressed so she doesn't miss it.    GAME PLAN; focusing on comfort and keeping her where she is for as long as possible. (it is not a health care facility).  Yesterday I let all the grand children know what all was happening with their grandmother and will leave it up to them to decide if they want to come to see her now or not (all girls they also all live quie a distance from here.) 

I finally got a call yesterday from the urologist's office and I have an appointment with him on July2 to disusss the lab results from my biopsy I had on June 10th.  I'm trying my best to go with the old saying of "No news is good news." as I'm thinking that if it's anything serious that needs immediate attention they would have set things up much sooner.  

My youngest daughter call last night in tears.  This is NOT A NEW occurance.  She is living in an abusive and very toxic domestic situation and there is nothing I CAN DO to change that.  I' told her we'd support her in what ever she decides and I encouraged her to get some therapy/councelling for  her self pronto.  We will pay for it if we have to.  The is my 2 1/2 yr. old grand-daughter and a new baby on the way in Nov. that is also big concerns for me in this situation.  Again I do know that I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ... but that doesn't mean it's not breaking my heart.  

I am so totally drained emotionally and my appetite has disappeared.  I feel so helpless and overwhelmed and yet I know that "giving  up" is not really an option.  

What can I do ... if anything ..... from completely falling apart?   

It's really starting to feel like all "roads" are leading to me and I am exhaused trying to keep everything within reason.

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Reply by oldbat
21 Jun 2015, 1:14 PM

Oh Razz, how I wish I had some ever-so-wise words to offer you.  Along with the big hug you so clearly need.

You are doing an AMAZING job on and are absolutely right when you say "all roads lead to you".  Is there any way you could take even a few hours for yourself?  Mani/pedi?  Swim?  Hike?  Music?  Anything that will give you the peace you crave?

Music, books and coffee with a friend do it for me.  Yes, it is just a moment out of hard time.  I sometimes feel we're all in segragation - for crimes we certainly did not commit.  But you need parole.  Scented bath, candles, more music?  Massage? 

Your mother obviously needs more care than you or the residence she's in can supply.  Is it time to move her, over her protests, to long-term-care?  Those homes are not all bad.  Karl's certainly isn't.  Sometimes, to save ourselves, we have to upset someone we love.  But, in the end, it usually works out in everybody's favour.  It worked for me, ultimately, when I had to tell Karl I was "divorcing" his daughters.  This freed everbody up, including me, to move forward peacefully.

Your daughter does need help.  Immediate help.  Is there a women's shelter anywhere close?  I'm not sure what  the "toxic situation" entails, but she obviouslly needs counselling, legal advice, and a safe place.  All of these can be provided by social services.  Depending, I guess, on where she lives.

I'm sorry, Razz, for delivering what could appear to you to be platitudes.  But sometimes the simplest things - lunch with a friend, say - offer a few hours of respite.  Do whatever makes you, if not happy, at least less troubled for a short space of time.  Then do it again!

Sending you peace, love and scented candles!


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Reply by Razz
21 Jun 2015, 2:10 PM

Thanks you "oldbat" for wonderfully supportive reply.  The last couple of days have been very difficult with one bright spot. 

 Our family doctor called me on Thurs. evening to let me know that he also got the results of the bladder biopsy I had done last week.  It showed NO SIGNS of cancer cells!  What a relief to get that monkey off my back.  I still have to meet with the urologist and hopefully he'll have some ideas of what is causing my bladder problems and a plan to "fix" it/them.  

While talking to him however I found out that Home Care had not forwarded on her low weight to him.  He was very concerned and wanted me to arrange with his receptionist to get Mom in for a complete physical ASAP by phone call the next morning.  The logistics of getting Mom not just to the doctor's office but then to the different labs to get a full work up done would be a night mare.  After fussing all night (and getting no sleep naturally) I decided in the morning to take her to the hospital.  It is a "one stop shop" as it were and Mom really should be checked from top to bottom.  Once we finally saw a doctor she reassured me that I was not over reacting.   I called our doctor's office and left a message for him to call me there.  Mom had the full slate of tests, scans etc. and they did not find any infections.  Her lungs are shot of coarse and her blood oxygen levels are low.  The doctor and I talked a couple of times with Mom about the choice to have home oxygen and she turned it down.  She was discharged with some puffers to help her a bit and will be getting a bit more assistance from Home Care.  

Our family doctor told me that I made the right choice in taking her to hospital and once he reviews all the results of her tests he'll call me and we'll talk about what to do next.  I have a feeling that I may not be able to keep her in her place much longer.  I've spent the last couple of days just crying and second guessing myself.   I'm sure that many of the members here have done the very same thing.  Crap - it's a hard row to hoe especially when I'm all she has.  

In amongst all of this a long time member of our church and active community member passed away.  As church secretary (a paid position) I was responsible for the 150 bulletins that were needed for the funeral on Thurs. afternoon. (and a much smaller number that are needed for today's regular service).  Although it was extra work on top of an already stressful week it did take my mind off of things for a bit.  Activity outside the realm of "home" does help. 

To clarify - my daughter lives with a verbally abusive man-child.  She has spoken to a number of agencies in the past couple of years and knows what her options are.  The fear of starting all over with nothing and what will now be 2 small children looms very large.  All I can do at this point is to continue to let her know that we are here for her, that she can make it on her own and encourage her to get some mental support for herself if nothing else.  These are choices she must make on her own........ I keep praying that she'll find the strength and courage to do the next "right" thing.  

You are so right about the importance of self care!  Right now I feel too tired to even think of what that might look like.  Mindless TV helps but I must say I'm getting a little tired of watching golf - my husband's favorite.  Last night we watched a movie instead.  It made me cry some more but I did manage to sleep last night - bonus.  

Thank you again "oldbat" .... it really does help to know that some one "out there" understands.  


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