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Reply by Dee46
12 Jul 2015, 3:25 PM

 My apologies, spellcheck makes me look illiterate LOL. I was in shock, still am lol.  I've been feeling so alone because last year and a half even my psychiatrist says they've never met anybody like me i.e. caring for a lying cheating bastard an ex.  You see for the first 15 years of our marriage we were the couple everybody wanted to be I was so proud of my life and my family and my marriage.

Three years ago he decided to have an affair six months later BAM! cancer.  Well we all know what happened to the woman who is cheating she was gone as fast as the money dried up LOL. I live in Chatham Ontario Canada, are from Scotland? We are completely legally married (nothing through courts) thank god, I can speak for him and after death I will not be given a hard time, thank God. What's making me crazy about Ben is the way he speaks to me, he never spoke to me before he never called me names and he was never rude. Now he's horrible he takes  out all his fears and frustrations on me!

I try to be patient people tell me he's scared and your his safe place that's why he's doing it take it as a backhanded compliment, but it's just getting so hard!  I really am starting to hate him, and love him all at the same time. Every time are out somewhere and I see him being nice to a stranger I swear I just want to poke him in the eye LOL I know I'm all over the place but I'm so excited to meet you I haven't really been able to vent to anybody, like you said everybody has an opinion but nobody and I mean nobody is in our situation.  

Here in Canada everything so politically correct it drives me crazy he has stage four liver lung cancer, they do not even give you a timeline, right now he still looks healthy and I would like to make some memories for our boys does he have three months does he have three nyears? Drives me crazy not knowing.  Tomorrow they start another round of chemo and they did say he will be on chemo now the rest of his life. When our marriage ended it was dating sites and chat rooms on the on the computer. Ben was not only chatting but meeting! His behavior destroyed our family, now that he's dying and I'm doing everything absolutely everything for him I find out he still doing it! I admit this is wrong what I did, I do admit it.

I was at the apartment the other day and I happened to look at his phone, my own fault I shouldn't of done it I know. And he was talking some piece of trash off of one of those horrible sites, and ended the conversation with the bye honey XO XO. I thought are you kidding me you just yelled at me for absolutely nothing! And you're speaking to some piece of trash on the Internet signing off with an XO? I'm the one that drives an hour and a half one way to doctors appointments with him! I'm the one who worries about them, takes care of him, and the one that does everything he used to call me honey, now he gave those filthy women my name.  Right now he still looks healthy looking and can drive, so I think he is still meeting.  Why is he findicharge.  I just wish I had some kind of crystalball if g solace with these nasty women when I'm doing everything and he treats me so horribly?  

Somedays I know this sounds horrible but I look at him and I think when the end comes financially the boys and I will be better off! And then I feel guilty because no matter how much of a bastard he's being he worships our boys and they worship him and yes he is a very good father. As you can tell by my typing my thoughts and words are all over the place I do apologize. Mary do you feel guilty that you just want to scream at a dying man scream and say hateful things, I don't do it but I really want to. My psychiatrist has taught me in the end none of those other women I'll be there will only be me.  

He still has the apartment 10 minutes away thank God my in-laws are wonderful and help me in anyway they can I've come to the decision he will not be coming back to the family home to die. Our youngest is only 11 and this home has to be our safe place in Canada I'm very fortunate our government is wonderful to us, nurses free of charge will come in free of I knew there wasn't much longer I can keep my have more patience. But if the chemo works tomorrow ensuring saw the tumors I could be living like this for the next few years, I know that sounds so horrible to say out loud I feel guilty even saying it. I hope all this letter made sense to you LOL I was rambling again Mary I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you I'm so excited, and all the other people that I posted you're so wonderful and the saving grace to me XO 
 
 
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Reply by Dee46
12 Jul 2015, 3:29 PM

 I know I really do not have to explain this, but I feel I must today is a hard day. Tomorrow my writings may be a little kinder toward him. I truly am not mean to him I'm just typing what I feel in my head with the outside world sees is a completely different thing.  And I am embarrassed  to say that before the knowledge of his secret life, a
and cancer I still hold that man in my heart. 
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Reply by Marymary
12 Jul 2015, 5:19 PM

Ahhh Dee - I so get your feeling angry and upset and you may say hateful things or feel them but you know what YOU are not hating him., or you would NOT be doing what your doing - so give yourself some solace in that.  It is ok to be mad, angry and NO you do not hate him your frustrated, angry and hurt - unfortunately us woman are natural nurturers and we can NOT turn our love off like a tap, I wish it were that easy I so do. 

I so get the being nice to others and we get the crap and shit - but that is the way., he jokes and teases with nurses., friends prior to June 22 and all we got was barking. anger and frustration from him - no smiles no laughing., no nothing other people got it.  My son said it best boy he puts on a good show for others hey mom but we get the real deal., which is ok because he needs to get rid of the anger., the mad mom.  What a great kid - he is 18 and boy oh boy he is a great kid., he does not smoke., drink or weed, I told him if you need help thru this honey tell me ok and he is like no I am coping ok mom I do not and will not turn to any of those things cuz first I dont like them second they do not take the problems away cuz they will be there the next morning and 3rd I have friends and you. I am really just ok mom and I will let you know if I need more.  So smart and compassionate and wise beyond his years that boy - we both keep each other going you know., we do.

But now he is quieter he is sicker and like I say he seems more gentler and less in all areas.  He still gets angry & mad like last couple of days but he is not taking it out on me he is just stating his anger fuck this and that and ive fucking had it and I fucking hate this etc, he has had enough and wants to feel better now cuz treatments is complete just doing hydration only to keep him going.

I am unaware of his prognosis as you say they do not say anything., I think its to give him hope but also to give the loved ones hope to I would prefer to know all but then again if you know something then I think it would just add worry to the worry and concern we already have - does that make sense.

Yes he is stage 4B INOPERABLE throat cancer, in his throat., back of tongue., tonsils and another tumor in his lymph nodes & i just saw a doctors letter stating it was and is in his lips, mouth and ill defined spaces, why did they not ever say that to us - why. well is it really going to make a hill of beans of difference - no not at all cuz they are concentrating on the 2 tumors in his neck.  I have a couple of people I know who are nurses & at beginning radiation doctor said 30-40 percent & I asked them what does that mean exactly and they said mary do you really want to know this and I said yes I do I need to know to prepare what going to becoming at us., so yes well that means anywhere between 3 or 4 to 6 months.  It does not change my attitude towards him nor does it change my way with him whatsoever it seriously does not, it is what it is.  I can NOT change things for him, I hope he gets to feeling better so him and our son can go golfing and spend some quality time but other than that not much I can do.

Is he palliative right now, I want to know the answer to that., was the radiation and chemo for palliative reasons or to do as a cure.  These types of questions I DO KNOW NOW., at the time I did not so I could not ask, we were both in such a state of shock and just had to get things in order period., all the forms and paper work etc., so when he was not working he would be covered.  I did paper work for him for like 2 months, I did it all - all he had to do was sign. So he would have money coming in and he would have mortgage paid and line of credit paid., CPP coming in and EI etc., etc.,  

Thenafter all that  he has the nerve to tell my sister well you know for all the formsMary has done and that I have signed - I have probably signed over the house to her etc., man oh man did that ever hurt me - then he took me out of the will (doesnèt matter) which also hurt.  But oh well that is life isnt it. Its not a matter of money or anything else it hurt the heart.  I would never do anything to harm him sell house or take deed etc., I know it hurt him at the time to know I was moving in to help him but he has lived on his own so like his freedom was going the life he knew was not going to be the same etc all of it has to do with his own mental attitude on things.  I have never said anyhthing to him, I stayed back did not talk to him, did what I had to do but those things still hurt and I would never do such a thing you know but I also know he knows I would not either he just had to make adjustments he really didnt want to.  I do know him real well does not make ok he said those things but oh well.

He is covered in all areas moneywise and mortgage etc. that is what matters he did not have to worry about that.

Like I say he is quieter now he seems more gentler now gave me a smile the other day and one last night and laughed at something I said., those moments make up for all else.  I can NOT think and wont think about him not being here - I would not be able to function as I am now why because I hate the thought of my son not having his dad in his life - that is hard.  so i do what i have to do for both of them so they can be together for however long it is....

I am 52 and live in BC and had a boyfriend of 15 yrs up to last weekend., where he said he can no longer do this - we are not going to be going anywhere time soon Mary.  Oh man that hurt my heart like craxy but i get it., im living here for next 6 months not like he can stop by on way home from work stop have dinner or watch movie and cuddle and spend the nite - ya so I get it and my hurt heart so much it is slowly going back into place but hey that is life and was my choice so ya.  One day that part will get better, one day just not today. 

I want to know things and then again I so do not.  Your ex will come around he will., the sicker he gets he will I know that why because deep down he knows you have done all not anyone else and he will appreciate you more - he honestly will and when that time comes all else he said or done to you will just fall by the wayside

Hugs to you Dee  
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Reply by Marymary
26 Jul 2015, 4:57 PM

Well Dee - how is it going?  

Just a FYI., my son's dad was in hospital for 1 week with baceterial infectin in blood., bacteria still not gone but will see dr aug 5th and see how it is then.  I personally am not pleased with any dr at this time., just for the fact they say somethings but they don't say some other things., to protect him well maybe not protect but what he doesn't know won't hurt him kinda thing.   I so want answers about the 4 different bacteria in his blood stream., where, why & how  it came from.  But I probably will never know all they say it's not from bladder or colon that's it.

He was feeling pretty damn good when he got out of hospital, he was doing good for 1 week at home but he's not drinking enough water maybe 2 bottles not anywhere near enough., then wammo yestserday not feeling good again.  

This up down thing is hard to watch let alone him what is happening to him internally., physically and mentally - I worry about now., strange how things go.

We had a talk because we kinda got to this cross road where we were both on each other's case and I told him I was hurt because of what he said to my sis and he doesn't think I'm ok to deal with his affairs afterwards., will etc.,  well he said first off your sister is stirring the pot cuz I said it jokingly.  I said I woulnd't have nothing if it were not for mary doing all the forms and paperwork for all and for all the forms she's done I just sign and god I could have signed the house over to her and I wouldn't know that how many have been done.  So that was dealt with., he's not pleased with my sis and won't be talking to her anytime soon as I will not be either., text no talk.  He was mad too that she even said something - why would she tell you that to begin with., you don't need to hear that - I'm like ya I know.  2nd will thing well you will have enough to deal with in regard to our son and the house and the service etc., taking something off your plate makes me feel better whats most important is our son and his welfare and you being there for him.  

Once all put into perspective it is ok., I was hurt for all the wrong reasons., communication breakdown - lol.  So yes talking openly and honestly is a good thing., I couldn't before but we did this last week., maybe cuz of the scare in hospital but yes we both feel better now after talk.

You have to bide your time in regard to discussions., you will know when it's right and also you don't want to in the heat of the moment either., so wait a bit then talk.  It feels better for sure.

SO after all is said and done Dee., you will get things off your chest he will have a better view point on you and what your doing and why and yes he does and will appreciate you for what you are doing even if he does not say openly in front of you., Waynehas said to everyone else but me now I know though.  Its comforting.

I hope everything is getting a tad better for you., and it is a difficult position you are in to say the least.  Stay strong and carry on.  Strive to thrive and you will.  Sending powerful positive thoughts your way DEE.  

Let us know what is going on ok Dee - take care :)

 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
16 Sep 2015, 3:14 PM

Hello
MaryMary it's good to hear that you and your ex have been able to talk - I would imagine this has been helpful for your son as well. How is your heart doing?

Dee46 I am glad you know that you are in a safe place here on the forum - you can say what you are thinking and feeling and know that you are not judged but perhaps just as importantly - you are not alone.  Are there things or people that help when you get overwhelmed or frustrated?

Look forward to talking as you are able.


Take care
katherine
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Reply by Marymary
16 Sep 2015, 5:56 PM

Hi all - been busy and not on hear for a long time.  

DEE46 - would like to hear from you and how things are going with you.  Thinking of you
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Reply by KathCull_admin
14 Oct 2015, 7:58 PM

Thinking of you Dee46. Just wondering how you have been?

Katherine
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Reply by Marymary
19 Oct 2015, 12:04 AM

Hi Dee - hope everything is ok well if you are ok & how you are managing - hope you can post one day soon - been thinking a lot about you!!  
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Reply by Marymary
25 Oct 2015, 4:16 PM

Hi - well I've tried 3 times to post regarding his PET scan and for some reason I go to send & it's deleted all of my message so it was not meant to be sent for whatever reason as creator saw.

So he did PET scan on Sept 24th and they say on phone it was inconclusive?  WTH does that mean exactly - we're looking at it as being positive, could be due to swelling? Ya ok then sure. So we had follow up appointment with radiologist on oct 14th & well that wasn't much better - she said at the beginning same words - test was inconclusive well that is not acceptable answer - sorry we need more than that.

So she reiterated what scan tecnician put in report - not as red as the first test & I asked 3 times during appointment are the tumors still there yes or no (no answer) ; is the red mean that is active cancer cells? No answer.  She just beat around the bush, saying inflammation could result in the test showing what it does - I said well so if it swelling / inflammation it shows that there is a narrowing correct?  She said she did not understand what I was asking OMG....I could not believe it.  Wayne was kind of deflated you could see in answer to the red in the test results - so I was being more considerate but at the same time we need a little bit more than inconcclusive.  

Told her he is having a hard time with major hearing difficulty, mouth & throat still as well as his memory & overactive thyroid.  She said it would be whoever requested the hearing test to begin with (she is the one who did)?  Overactive thyroid well that can change and just wait it out bcuz with throat cancers they find it is underactive (HYPO) thyroid so it should change but that is not her area, I said well you did radiation did you guys not do blood tests during the treatments to see if his thyroid was doing ok considering it is right where you guys radiated?  So look at those blood test to compare to the ones we just did....she said oh no we don't do that unless there seems to be a problem during treatment - same applies to hearing etc., I also said you do understand that an overactive (HYPER) thyroid can be very dangerous to his heart right with hypo you give hormone pills but  I was like well those tests done @ the beginning were for what then?  So now because he is not doing treatment - nothing is in your hands?  His own dr is not a cancer dr and he will put everything towards the cancer now - just like last time.  We (incl. dr's) put all his body problems to the kidney cancer but 1 yr later to find out he has throat cancer - so come on, help us out here. I had to tell his own Dr to do the thyroid blood tests - I did because of his weight loss which keeps going down.

She said it is all normal for his body to be reacting this way., ya ok using the word normal got me (I know figuratively speaking) then keep an eye on the thyroid and blood pressure etc., ya doing that already. Hearing will go see a ears,nose & throat dr.  His mouth oh it looks ok then she turns around and asks him oh wayne how is your mouth doing - ya ok he says (she had not even looked in his mouth (fuck) I couldn't believe it - seriosuly.  Sorry for swearing but god help us.  She then did a scope (TV down into throat) and came back and said well I do not like the looks of it so making an appointment to see Ears/Throat & Nose (ENT) specialist, it still shows a bump there but I don't like the looks behind your tongue.  First time she did scope she showed us it bcuz it showed the tumor and what it looked like - this time nope.  Setting up another PET scan for 8-12 wks and then go from there - will see her again in January.  That was it - holy moly.

This was so frustrating - for me let alone him, god.  He was deflated for sure., asked how he was doing on way home and he said well at least I'm going to get operated on - I said what???  He said well I am going to see a ENT surgeon so that means they will operate probably - I said wayne where are you getting this - well it is a surgeon so they must think to operate to remove the bump right.  I was like Wayne I am so sorry but the first appointment I know you were in a state of shock but they did say it is inoperable.  He got so upset and veins were popping out and he said they could do a radical surgery thing I was there too you know.  I said yes they could do that but what was said & I specifically asked about operating on your throat & she said inoperable because they can not remove two thirds of your tongue and they can not remove a portion of your neck what they may operate on afterwards was removing your lymph nodes where the tumor was & he said no and was quite upset....god I fucking hated that.  I so did.

His memory is shot to shit too., he will turn a tap on to fill sink and leave the room & I walk in and the sink is over flowing, he will forget that he has put a key in his pocket walk around for 15-20 mins looking for it and swearing his face off & I finally ask what are you doing, he'll tell me & I say you put it in your left jacket pocket, no I didnt - sure enough there it is.  He forgets sometimes that we are NO longer a couple (which freaks me out)., put his arm around me or call me these endearing names & I just look at him - like what the heck (WTH) and then he kind of remembers himself, that was over a month ago.  We have not been together since 1999., we have not slept in same room nor kissed nor anything else since then.  I know when he was in hospital in 2013/14 he forgot a couple of times too and I went with it - I would go to give him a hug and he'd kiss me and hug me - very strange for me I know at the time for him no...he did not know what our son's age was or even his name at times....so I let it go.....now.....well......

I seriously hope to god this has not gone to his brain - I've been wondering about that for like a month now & especially with the dr's saying something but not saying something you know.  So frustrating - I am still being positive I am.  

I am torn - dr's giving someone hope but then again you do not want to give someone false hope you know.  

This was for like 2 weeks ago., what has happened this week well I don't know if I can go there right now.  I am feeling good today as is he so we wlll go with that.  Today is a good day., sending every love an light and here is to a positive day - hugs you all 
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Reply by Carlyn
30 Oct 2015, 4:13 PM

Dear Dee46, MaryMary and Katherine,

My heart is with all of you. I have more to say but health things are bit busy here. Will come back to this soon.

Dee and MaryMary, all of what you've both shared resonates a lot with my experiences caring for parents and also having an illness myself. I will come back to hopefully offer helpful words of advice to consider but for now just know i'm thinking of you both.

Dee I hope you are okay and we hear from you soon. If you're not up for it, please don't feel pressured. It's only important that you know we're here and thinking of you and sending you positive virtual hugs and good energy.

((Hug)) to all
Carlyn 
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