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Reply by Marymary
30 Oct 2015, 5:56 PM

Hi all - well I think I can talk about this now - as you all know it is tough to watch & hear our loved ones going this life crisis (cancer)....you know I can't help but be compassionate as you all are but when it comes right down to it - there truly is NOT a damn thing we can do which is the most difficult part of the whole situation - out of our hands / out of our control...talk , be there, comfort etc. just does NOT seem like enough at times, it so doesn't.  I am sure you all have experienced the same thing.


As I said earlier not good news about my son's dad and I suppose it hit him last Friday, he was having a real bad day., all the way around., he couldn't swallow Special K cereal soaked in milk., that was how the day started and well it just got worse...I was working @ home (bookkeeping) on computer, number crunching and after 20-25 mins. I said god can you please ....he freaked out, started screaming and yelling (well to his ability screaming) I am trying to die here.  I had to do calculatr thing over 3 times and I told him it is NOT the coughing or choking that is bugging me it is you sitting right beside me and swearing your face off in between each cough - that is most bothersome., I am doing calculations.  He had all other areas to be but nope....he normally eats in the living room so....he went to work.


Came home 430ish with a bottle of wine (Large) and I didn't say anything and he's like mary about this morning - I said don't worry about it, all the swearing was what was getting me he likes it is not getting better, my body is dying.  Throat is getting worse, mouth too and my body is dying on me., cancer is still there and it's not any better.  My body is giving up on me., Im losing weight like crazy and if I do stuff on one day the next day I am so tired., I am not going to sit at home no way but my body is not working for me anymore.  Iasked did you hear from a dr today or someone?  He said no and I said well lets wait for the results from dr and tests ok - you dont know anything yet - I know my body he said :(


I had nothing to say - nothing at all.  Hurt my heart that I could not give him encouragement or hope or nothing - I couldn't period.  I also couldn't hug him at all either, which so much sucked, I left and went @ sat at river and left him to drink his wine (he is acknowleding what his body is doing - maybe not accepting at this stage but) .


Over last month and half he has been doing all these sexual innuedos towards me, lots and it is driving me crazy., I told him enough - stop.  I'm not in the head space you are & I don't appreciate it - he's like you know I'm joking right and I know you can handle come on mary - you know that.  But it just keeps on - told him he is being disresctful. so no it is not a joke and I told him that and was going to move out Nov but can't due to his memory and health and my son too. 


I'm worried this has gone to his brain, seriously., his memory (I think at times he forgets) we are no longer together., it's been 16 yrs but ???  We do not sleep in same bed nor kiss or anything like that., hug when he is having a hard time but nothing else.  Just being in same house since mid June well good and no not really (I know some will not understand what I'm saying).


He did this beginning of week (innuendo) and our son heard and he got up and left.  He hasn't done any since then so our son hearing this - is making a difference.   He starts and stops in mid sentence when I give him the look.


He's so not pleased definitely not happy and so frustrated and hates his body - I so get that.


After him talking last Fri about his body dying - I left - had too.  I have never heard him speak nor say die ever and I also never saw or heard before the NO HOPE in his words,  I could not comfort him (didnt have any words) and I couldn't even hug him because I did NOT want to give him the wrong idea - so I left....hated that and I did not even want to come home - sucked. I cried at rive for 30 mins. talked to family and one friend on phone then I came home 930ish and he had a lot of the wine gone - can't say nothing to him about that it's been way over a year since he drank so I'm not going to deny him that when he is feeling so friggin bad- nope.  Nothing was said, he went to bed at 1030.


Next day., he slept til 1130 then my family took him out for brucnh then him and I went to see a movie - it was an ok day.  No words need to be expressed now.  I think its been building up so it was good to get out.


Its been better since and yes he had one real bad day last friday which he so has the right to have for sure - just sucked I could not comfort him when he needed most.


I'm sure alot on this site have felt the same way - that is why I'm sharing this now., what their goign through - nothing you can do.  I pray pray pray and send love an light energy to him and ask his angels to be around him to assist with his emotions and feelings.  He does NOT want or need help - he states - they do nothing for him (Counsellors or psychiatrists etc) no frigin way, your paying someone to listen to you - why bother.  So that avenue is not viable for him anyway you cant force someone to get help so....just sharing that's all - which is a form of healing too.  


Sending good vibes/energy to you all - what is - is what is., Not much I can do, its in creators hands - I can just be here that is all for my son and his dad.   
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Reply by Carlyn
31 Oct 2015, 10:40 PM

Hi MaryMary,

Thank you for sharing how you're both doing. And for the good vibes and energy though I kind of want you to hang onto every bit of it you have for your own sake at this time! :-)

This is such a difficult situation.  I'm glad that you are able to find ease within your circumstances, even if that is only achievable intermittently.

You're doing the best you can and that's a lot already it seems to me. It's good you're mindful of staying safe too with boundaries. That's good for all of you. Your son and your ex (even if he doesn't seem it) surely do appreciate all you're doing with and for them. 

Sending good thoughts to all of you. Keep checking in as you feel up to it. 

Carlyn 
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Reply by JennJilks
01 Nov 2015, 2:27 PM

I think this stage of life, dying, is the hardest for some. There are comforting words, since hope is unrealistic.

Do you need things to talk about with him?
Rather than false hope, you can assure him that you will be there for him, if this is possible, that he won't die alone, or in pain. Assure him he is loved. 
I learned this when someone wrote about tending to a horrific car incident where a young man died at the scene. This amazing woman did what the nurse did at Nathan Cirillo's death, told him he was loved. Told him he wasn't alone. 
Your patient is, of course, angry, and we take this out on those close to us. 
I have had such discussion with my husband, who has prostate cancer. We live each day as best we can. We find hope in living in the present moment, changing what it is we hoped for, living our twilight years together. This is just what it is. Ranting won't help. We find peace is realistic goals,
going out for a nice lunch, for example.
I am doing a Life Review with my current client, age 92, being taken care of by her non-cooking, in denial, pain-in-the-arse daughter (age 70!). Her daughter never married nor learned to cook. It's tough on them both as this elderly woman raised 7 children on a farm, baking, cooking, sewing clothes for her kids!

Anyway, if you want to, a Life Review is highly recommended. It's get your care recipient thinking, rather than bemoaning. I've had so many clients in difficult circumstances.

Life Review Questions



  • Tell me about your childhood. 

  • What was school like?

  •  What about your teenage years? 

  •  Did you like school? 

  • What did you do for fun in your youth? 

  • What is your favourite food?      

  •  Tell me about your family members. 

  •  What about your best friends? 

  •  Tell me about overcoming an obstacle in your life. 

  •  What is your deepest regret or disappointment in your life? 

  •  What do you think are the most important things about life? 

  •  What are your life’s achievements? 

  •  What do you find are the most satisfying things in life?

  •  Who have you admired and why? 

  •  Describe the kind of person you have been. 

  •  What were the happiest moments in your life? 

  •  What messages would you like to leave your family? 

  •  What mystifies you about life today?  


  
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Reply by Marymary
01 Nov 2015, 9:56 PM

THanks people - yes he is a man's - man & no talking - does NOT want to talk, don't ask me questions, do not talk to me of feelings or emotions.  He closes himself off - his choice, I just do not go there - he's pissed off with the whole world and there just is NO talking to him - none whatsoever period.  Like I say his choice - his own son has said or suggested and his answer is how the "f*&K does that help me - how?  He has always had that mentality counsellors/psychiatrists/therapists....no go in that area & at one time he was willing to talk to someone who was going through same thing - but never followed through. 

You can bring a horse to water but you know - that is all you can do.  This past week he would prefer to wallow in his self pity - anger and whatever else he is feeling., we just get the hell out of the way., one has to help themselves or want to a little bit.

If he choses to share or talk I'm there - but he will not.  We are here but he does not want anyone around right now - he is just beside himself.  He's been upset/angry for over a week now and well he can wallow in it - like I said to him - no need to take it out on others (referring to his son and me) but he just tells me off.  

So that is that - nothing I can do. send him love and light & step aside.  

I'm thinking he got some kind of news on that friday but not saying - oh well, if chooses to be in this by himself - so be it.  Free will is what its all about in this life we have right.

Sending love energy to all  
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Reply by JennJilks
01 Nov 2015, 10:04 PM

That's such a shame. 
Brace up. Gird your loins, it's gonna be a ride!!!
We are rooting for you. You sound like you can do this. I'm so sorry.

Vent away, rant, we've been there!!! My late father was so angry.
My dad used to bang on the table (I'd go in to feed him dinner) and he'd yell and say, "It's all gone to hell!" (He NEVER swore!)
I'd say, "You're right, dad. It's all gone to hell!"
All the best. 
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Reply by Marymary
16 Nov 2015, 9:48 AM

You know we all go thru what we go thru....but when it comes to our kids saying what they really thinkj well it becomes even so much more....so much hurts the heart - it so does...


Our son tonight shared so much as well as last night but overalll he is beyond stressed/concerned about his dad & the only thing I could do was agree with him - that was it., his conerne/worries are mine and I tried to let him know he was being validated in his stress I so did but at same time


THIS SO SUCKS BIG TIME!!!  His/our son who is 18 who is working two jobs, plahing hcokey 2 times a wekk as well as biking and girlfriend and trying to work out three times a week for himelf which is a great thing but not thelping him out emotionally at all.  I so frigin thate this - I do.


I had not words for my son tongiht or last night but listen and advise him his conerns/worries are mine also - I so fucking hate this - I do.....he is 18 yes and yes is dealing with it the best he can but at same time it so much gets to him., he is so beyond woreid and conerened about him as I am too., and there is NOT a frigin thing we can do - not one fucking thing as he puts it - my son does not swear at me or in front of me well may shit or damn but nothing else - this is how much tonight this iis so muich getting to him....it has all begain to wrap up and around him - I knew it was going to happen he talks but not like he has that last 2 day....god it is so hard to hear but t the same time a relief he is saying out aloud - ya know....


yes we've talked but he is scared and worred so much right now - for as much an worried he is as I AM....I told him so too but what can we do - some thing in life unfortunately there is nothing we can do it is in god & your dad hands not us or nayone else...we can only think positive and pray our hearts out - he said what if we want to pray for it just to be over with mom - is that bad - I said NO...it is not why because we are all onkly human beings and no one human being wants to see another suffer - it is not in your nature or mine - so no it is not a bad thing - whatever you feel right in your heart is NOT wrong


I so much loved & at the same time hated our talk to night - some will understand what I say & some wonèt - but overall sorry for swearing to you all but I frign hate these conversations I so do ------love my son beyond words I so do but these conversations yu have to have with a 18 yr old sucks big time god I wnat to have joybful conversations - happy converstaions once again - I so do


I maybe selfish but joyful fun good times we all deserve those - we do & that is what Ièm praying for right now - for us & for you all too....Even if its onlhy 1 day -joy and happiness :)  we all deserves these moments to helps us we all do - WE DO 
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Reply by JennJilks
17 Nov 2015, 2:27 PM

You are doing all the right things for your son! Listening to his fears is a biggie. The fact that he talks to you is important. He is finding comfort in routines, and this is his way of handling the situation.
You are a role model for your son, as well. It doesn't matter how we handle healthy grief, as long as we handle it. You are showing your love for him and helping your ex transition. He knows that.
Keep on finding the joy where you can. I would be delightfully happy that he talked with you. It's hard, sometimes, for males to open up emotionally.
All you can do is provide comforting words.
"We will get through this."
"We can handle this."
"We will get through this together."

While you tell him this, believe in yourself, and believe it for yourself. You will get through this. You can only do the best you can at the time.  You have nothing to fear. You cannot fail at this process. You can only do what you can, you are human.
take care 
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Reply by Razz
18 Nov 2015, 1:29 AM

Oh...."Marymary"... these are tough times indeed!  Don't appologize for expressing the true raw emotions that you are feeling right now.  For many of us "swearing" seems to help in some way and I'm sure that there is not one person here who hasn't heard every cuss word you've used in your post along with a few others.  If it helped you express yourself in this post then I am not offended by it.  True we want to keep the forum a place where all are comfortable it's also true that it is the other person's choice to be offended by your language or not.  

A explltive filled rant is something else .... and probably wouldn't gove over so well but what you're written here just sounds like a woman who is experiencing a lot of pain, frustration and un-happyiness.... the swearing is minor for all that.  

Besides the need for these "tough" conversations I think it's also important for you and your son to set aside specific times where you do things that you enjoyed doing prior to your husband's illness.  This may be a good time to make regular plans to join your son for a special night out now and then.  Perhaps to a movie, a good dinner and beer.... something you may have done together during happier times.  Depending on how ill your husband is you may have to get someone in to "sit" with him .... but trust me.... it will be so worth it if you can have these few moments of "happy normal" in the midst of all this discomfort.

be good to you (and your son) - Razz

ps - don't worry that it might make your husband mad as he's already mad anyways and you NEED it for your sanity.  

 
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Reply by Carlyn
18 Nov 2015, 1:35 AM

I am just jumping in on this to say DITTO to everyone.

And send virtual ((Hugs))

Carlyn 
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Reply by Marymary
19 Nov 2015, 5:34 AM

Thank you Carlyn / Razz / jenjikks - you can't know (well maybe you do actually) how much your words are so comforting / very supportive - cuz at times - it sure feels like I am not doing my best to my ability especially when it comes to our son.  There is no frigin book lol. 

You know I think with this being his 2nd cancer (2013) and now this one it's been a long, and it just kind of catches up after a bit., emotionally, mentally especially on our son, he just gets to a point when it just all adds up which is so very understandable but with his dad being so fliipin cranky it does not help at all it just adds to it you know., he's been cranky for like a month now and it just takes its toll.  So we need to vent just as much as he cranky lol.

We are doing a tad better - we are ensuring we have a dinner/movie night and making the quality time a bit more quality - regardless of all his crankiness / bictching / grumpiness - we go for a quick qalk - get out of the heat of it him then me or vice versa - one of us will stay behind then when the other gets back the other goes - only way we can deal with it right now.  It is how we can deal with it., when someone is so very mad/angry and whatever else he is feeling.  Words help but only for a little while....like I tell him stop bitchin - just stop - your making us all miserable I said the other day and that is not fair, we are doign what we can and enough is enough.  another time just say thank you and that is it instaed of bitchin., we all have to live here and lets make it better not worse.

Words help for that evening or next mornign then we're back to square one.....cranky / grumpy and I said we don't have to listen to this so we will all be leaving each other alone - each in his own room lol just like when your a kid and get send to your room lol.  Can't think of anything else for now but it works for a bit.

Specialist today and no news well no good news - waiting PET scan and won't look at his hearing nor anything else except throat and it all just looks like ground hamburger and that is it .  Hopefully more in at end of month.  ANy kind news at this point is better than nothing is how we all feel.

One day at a time - my son goes and works out and gets his frustration out and I go for walks and coffee with the girls...so yes we are doing what we can do for ourselves too....

Thank you so much - seirously it does help and  makes a difference - it so does - hugs all
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