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My best friend has end stage renal disease and has made the decision to stop dialysis.  
Started by Daffy
29 May 2017, 4:45 PM
She is now on home hospice and I am caring for her.  This is so difficul.
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Reply by KathCull_admin
29 May 2017, 10:10 PM
Hi Daffy
As you said, this is so difficult. It was probably a hard decision for her as well.    

I am not sure if you have seen this or if you are interested in looking at it but there is a little booklet called, Choosing to Stop Dialysis. that you might find helpful. 

Do you have supports in your community to help you care for her? Do you feel like you need information?

Katherine
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Reply by Wingman
31 May 2017, 2:58 AM
Hi Daffy,

I am Wingman.

When the doctors told my best friend that her stage II cancer had metastisized......they referred to it as "cancer behaving badly".
They delivered a terminal diagnosis.
She had no family, and upon this dx I told her that I would be her wingman.
And I was.

I am just a friend, I have no great insights, I took on the hell.

She died almost 10 months ago, and I was there.
My role, my thoughts at the time,
my place to be at the time......was by her side. I went to appointments, we discussed options, we made decisions.
She was in absolute denial and never made the desicion to STOP the treatment. Be it right, or be it wrong......this I do not know. It was the decision she made and it was hers alone to make. Me, I am a bit mixed up about it now.....but at the time....it was what needed to be, and I have no regret in that.

The caregiver role is complicated and trying....it is beyond what I feel I can put into words. To do this as a friend is the grandest gift.
This is not a place somenone chooses......this is a decision one makes in the moment when there is no other decision to be had. I hope you do feel that this is where you need to be. For me, it was my process, in this that I needed, to be able to cope.
to be present,
to understand,
to see myself and be who I didn't know I was. I could not comprehend what was happening otherwise.

Is all enough,
Is everything too little,
but what else do I have to offer.


Daffy, know that I have travelled this path.
Know that others here understand the survival mode one must enter in order to do what needs to be done.

I offer to you my strong.....it has served me when I needed it.
Here, feel surrounded by understanding of the truest difficult task the world can hand us.
Step at a time.

WM


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Reply by Daffy
31 May 2017, 1:41 PM
Wingman,
Thanks for sharing.  Even though this is extremely difficult I know it is where I need to be at this moment.  I treasure this time.  We have been able to get some of her affairs in order but likely have done as much as we are going to get accomplished. Over the years we have talked about many things related to death and what we would want which has definitely helped but talking and doing are too different things.  Over the past 2 days she has slept most of the time.  She fell yesterday and I feel horrible about that but thankfully no major I injuries.  I have promised her I will be with her and I will keep that promise.  Everything else in life is on hold and that is fine there is absolutely nothing else matters at this time.  

Daffy 
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Reply by Saara
09 Jun 2017, 2:00 PM
Daffy, thinking of you, and of your friend.  What a gift you are giving.  It will take all your strength, but you will emerge a stronger, wiser, kinder woman for it.  Blessings to you both.

Saara 
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Reply by Simancia
05 Dec 2017, 2:27 AM
Respecting her wishes and being there for you is more than anyone could ever hope for. You might hate hearing this right now, but you are amazing and it takes a special kind of friend to be there for someone like that, even if being there means so much pain and even maybe some anger. If there is one thing I've learned from this journey, it's that nobody goes through as a caregiver without experiencing almost every emotion known to man, and usually at the same time. Sending virtual hugs, and just keep being there - you will thank yourself one day.
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