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She Let Go 
Started by eKIM
04 Mar 2014, 5:45 PM

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments. 
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. 
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. 
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back. 
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. 
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. 
She didn’t journal about it. 
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. 
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. 
There was no applause or congratulations. 
No one thanked her or praised her. 
No one noticed a thing. 
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be."

~Author Unknown

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Reply by worried daughter
09 Mar 2014, 4:10 PM

Wow thats powerful and exactly what my mom did in June 2013...I have been going through her things as I lost my job last week and have the time... Seems like it was just yesterday.. I still go over our last conversation and if I could turn back time I would have stayed those last few days and work be damned, but I didn'tCry..At some point I will learn to deal with that. I have good days and then I have real bad days..I really can't seem to stay focused on anything for too long and seem to fly off the handle for stupid little things. Oh well I guess at 51 with all the changes I'm bound to be abit uptightFrown. Too alll of you dealing with the death of a loved one..I'm sending a Big Hug.


                                                                                      Tracy

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Reply by marstin
09 Mar 2014, 4:49 PM

Hi,

That is a beautiful poem eKim! I think it speaks volumes of how we all leave this world.

Tracy, I think most of us have misgivings of what we would change if we could turn the clock back and do it all over again. I think when you're in the moment you are doing the best that you can under the circumstances. After a year and a half I still berate myself for things I wish I had done differently but also know that my mom wouldn't want me to beat myself up for it. I've found that I still haven't gotten my focus back and so often hear it from my daughters. These days I just laugh and tell them to write down their schedules because I honestly can't remember everything that's happening in their lives. Grief takes a very long time to begin to heal from. The anger is the same thing. Just dealing with estate issues for me has turned me into a person that I don't recognize sometimes. Even the settling of the estate recently sent me into a huge high to be free of it all and then I crashed mentally and fell into a pit of depression. It's tough sometimes to deal with all that's going on emotionally and still have to carry on in your life. What I have learned on this journey is forgiveness for yourself. If you need to get something done and today it's overwhelming, there is always tomorrow. It took me a long time to stop beating myself up over things that I just could not face right away. We are shattered and it will take time to start to pull it back together again. We will never be the same person that we were before this all happened.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by worried daughter
09 Mar 2014, 5:35 PM

Thanks Traci....Yes I just filed the probate application. I filled it out on my own to save money but it was sooooo hard to do..I just that part to be over!  Somedays I just want to hide under my blanket and tell the whole world to go to hell and thats just not nice. Hope you are doing as good as you can with all you have been through....Take care my friend..I will keep checking in as my daughters do not want to listen to me anymore lol 
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Reply by marstin
09 Mar 2014, 7:11 PM

Hi Tracy,

How well I remember the days of wanting to hide, Oh wait, that was yesterday. Lol!  I sometimes berate myself for not being further along in this process but having lost my husband first followed so closely by my mom, I have to accept that it's going to take a lot of time. Most of my family walked away from me many months ago and it has been very difficult to accept and to move ahead without them. They truly do not know the hell I go through on a daily basis. My oldest daughter is very tired of hearing me talk about things and tries to shut me up everytime I bring something up so I either have to share it on here or just keep it inside.

I so wish I had been tougher when it came to my mom's estate. I was in the process of doing the paperwork for Len and could easily have done my mom's at the same time but my brother wouldn't let me near it and hired a pricey lawyer for 'us'. The lawyer played us both and it cost us a huge amount for his service's as well as it costing me a brother who has an issue with communication. I'm not sure that we will ever be able to repair that rift. At least now I can focus on finishing off the paperwork for Len's will, clearing my own house to put it up for sale and move ahead in my life. I am so ready.

As you know,this is a great place to lay it all out and take some pressure off of yourself.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by worried daughter
19 Oct 2014, 1:24 PM

Well here I am again, I need to change my name from worried daughter...To worried wife. Back in April my husband and I went to his Lung Doc for a check up...And just as I thought he has COPD..So I get to go on this ride again..My Mom passed away from this June 2013 and it was not pretty...my husband knows this, he saw how fast she went down hill because she would not stop smoking!!!! He has COPD and Asthma and is a chain smoker as well as smokes a pipe, ugh. I smoked for 40 yrs and stopped at the beginning of July to show him it can be done:) I am really pissed at him..it's all a big joke to him..We just scattered her ashes in Sept at a beautiful spot in B.C. I am still trying to deal with all that and everytime I her that damn lighter or he keeps me up all night coughing I just want to freaking scream. Of course I love him and will stand by him, but I am so damn angry inside sometimes I don't know what to do with it all. I have not been able to work and am having a bunch of tests done so I have been going through one room at a time and cleaning everything..it's taking a long time because my body just hurts but I keep at it while he sits in the recliner with a cloud of smoke, coughing, trying to clear his throat, spitting up nasty flem..and over using his rescue inhaler which can bring on other troubles......Thanks for listening:)

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Reply by Melinda
19 Oct 2014, 7:17 PM

Hi Tracy.  I remember going to the open AA meetings and my alcoholic husband thought it was a big joke too. He used to say, "I'm the alcoholic and she goes to AA"! Good for you for quitting smoking!! And its doubly hard when you live with a smoker. My husband continued smoking until the day he passed. I quit 15 years ago and wondered why! Second hand smoke is pretty nasty stuff...like you, I felt this tremendous anger every time he'd light a cigarette. I felt so trapped! Here I was trying to get healthy and he was basically shooting down my efforts...Then thankfully we moved into a new home so he only smoked in the basement. At least I could get away from the smoke somewhat. But I rarely went into the basement. The anger you feel can be very hard to live with. It actually started to affect my health. I had alot of stomach issues and racing heart beats. Gained alot of weight and felt so tired all the time.
Stress is awful and its awful what it does to us and our bodies. I thought I was coping but looking back, I was just hanging on. Finally I went to my Doctor and he put me on anti-depressants and that worked for me. Quitting smoking can trigger depression and living in your situation is not easy. Time to perhaps look for help for yourself. I am just sharing what worked for me...I really hope you find peace eventually.  Take care  Melinda
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Reply by Razz
26 Oct 2014, 3:09 PM

It was the subject line that first caught my attention - the poem "She Let Go".  I can see how some would see it as how people release themselves from all the troubles of this world and let go.  I've seen this poem numerous times on a forum I belong to for women overcoming addiction and we use it as showing how someone finally makes that decision to "let go" not only of their alcohol addiction but of trying to do everything right (alcoholics, especially women tend to be perfectionist to prove that they don't have a problem and/or to cover us their own low self esteem).  It's often our own egos that stand in the way and how we tend to let what others think shape our lives.  By "letting go" we start to take back the control over our lives and learn to see ourselves as competent people.  

Which brings me back to you Tracy and the difficult situation you find yourself in again.  The experience with your Mom probably tells you what you already know ....... you cannot change anyone but yourself.  No matter how much you love them, no matter how many things you try and even no matter how many threats you make; you cannot change them.  They must have the desire to do that on their own and some never "get it".  Your husband may seem to be taking this all lightly but inside he intellectually knows where it's leading.  It's an escape from the reality which is so much easier than facing it.  He is obviously addicted to the nicotine and at that point it becomes more than a "bad habit" but a real brain disorder.  Addiction changes everything and one of the classic behaviors is that the person minimizes just how much they indulge and ignores any symptoms of physical damage it is doing.  And many times they just give up thinking that it is beyond their control and they are doomed to this life they lead.  

So where does that leave you?   Protecting yourself and your mental well being.  Reassure you love your husband but you physically to distance yourself from the smoke.  Set up what is commonly called "boundaries" and where ever possible delegate places where he can smoke in peace and without bothering you.  You may want to consider sleeping in a seperate room and use ear plugs.  If possible get him to smoke only in the basement as one person has suggested (I don't know the design of your living space which can change some of your options).  Stop nagging and/or pleading it will fall on deaf ears and will only upset you.  Stop the blame game but do look into the addiction of smoking to help you better understand what your husband is dealing with.  

By understanding that you are not in control of what he does "let go" of feeling responsible for it.  His behavior is our of your control and influence so accept that and start building yourself up.  Let go of all the guilt you may be feeling, none of this is your fault, and start to learn how to change your thoughts away from all the negative ones that roll around in you head constantly.  Focus on taking care of yourself (it sounds like you're experiencing your own health issues) because unless you do in the end you'll be of no help to anyone.  What I'm suggesting is NOT and easy task as we've been programmed from childhood that such things are selfish - but they are not.  It's call survival.  It has nothing to do with how much you love your husband but how to best make life easier for you to live with.  You'll find you feel far less angry when you feel you have some control over how you choose to live and how you choose to see the situation.  

I also think that finding a good therapist for yourself might really help you.  Right now you feel as if there is no way out and that you have no options.  A therapist can help you see ways that you can indeed help yourself.  

be good to you - Razz 

 
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