Hello Xenia,
After reading your response to Wingman, I finally feel like my emotions are verified. My husband's name was also John, but went by his middle name, so already I feel a connection with you on that part. I have been wrestling with my grief as everyone does, but it was more to the tune of going on in my life without out him, yet living life as he would have wanted me to. I had coined it as being a "professional mourner", because that where I thought I had to be so as not to lose the memory of him. After I posted this, it felt like a switch so to speak was flipped on, where I can see now which way I am supposed to carry on, and still be able to honour him, as he's with me always. I found that I have a new purpose in my life, with an extraordinary drive to live the life he would have wanted for me, especially for myself. Even though I do have family, it hasn't been easy talking to them about it whereas here, it is!
My my thoughts are with everyone here. The struggle, while painful, is real, and it's nice to know that that while the support is here with loving words and support, that there is another side of life to embrace. Love you all