Wow, Shelly and Marstin.  Thank you so, so much for your wonderful postings.  You two should write a book called Bearing Witness to Grief for Dummies.  I’m not being facetious, here. 

As a hospice resident support volunteer, I often feel like a dummy.  I have been volunteering for 3 years now and I truly feel as though it will be a 10 year apprenticeship, just to achieve basic competency.  And forever after I will be learning.

Your two postings are like the two sides of a coin, expressed from the caregiver and the one who suffers.  You both offer such great insight that will be invaluable to all those who read them.  Thank you so much.

Most volunteers have no professional training in palliative care or assisting the grieving person other than the 30 hour course we take before becoming a volunteer.  The saving grace for a volunteer, is the power of compassion and the big heart that they bring to their acts of service, to comfort those who suffer.

Shelly, I found it so refreshing, to hear your candor in expressing the angst that you have felt at certain times during the “learning curve” part of your career.  Your insightful analysis breaks it down into simple, understandable components that are so helpful to others.  This sentiment, coming from a professional, helps put into perspective the anxiety and fear of failure that a hospice volunteer feels from time to time.

It can be awkward for a volunteer (especially a new one) when they find themselves trying to relate to a resident or a family member of a resident.  We are guided by two motives, a) to do no harm, and b) bring comfort and peace.  To complicate matters, every resident is different – and they can change daily.  Also every family member and family dynamic is different.

I will use your comments, Shelley as a study guide and use your guidance as a fundamental part of my ongoing training.  Thank you so much.

And Marstin, thank you so much for being so honest with your feelings and laying such great information for “we who cannot not know what you feel”.  It must be doubly sad for you, when those who you want and expect to help you, fail to help you at all, and then to see those who want to help, stumble because they have no clue how to help effectively.

In certain situations it is very difficult to understand what a grieving person is thinking and what their needs are.  Probably this is true because I have not walked in their shoes.  But I dearly do want to understand and help as much as I can.  What you have written will help me become a better volunteer.

As a volunteer, when we are “one on one” with a grieving person, we are not the most qualified person who could be there.  But often, we are the only one there – and that has to count for something.  You have clarified many things for me that will point me in the right direction when engaging with a new person.  Wow, your information is so valuable.

I will read, and re-read your comments, Marstin and like Shelley’s comments, make them an integral part of my on-going training.  Thank you so much for your insight and your wonderful teachings.

I hope to see more of your wonderful writings in the future, Shelley and Marstin.  You have no idea how much your insight is needed and how many people you will help in the future.

-        eKim

The grief process is certainly intense, this was and is true in my case. It has been just over six months since I lost my ex-wife and the mother of our son. I did not realize that the relationship with her would continue and that my attempt to find completion is a big part of what I am experiencing now as grief.

Other men who have gone through this know and not many words need to be exchanged. Men seem to grieve in different ways than woman do, although I have needed the support of both in my journey. The silence of another who knows and feels is important. I would call this ‘presence’ and it is so import in the dying and the grieving. Holding a space to fully engage the experience is a gift that few offer.

I don’t know if carrying some else’s backpack helps, ultimately I am going to have to pick it up. I want to engage the feelings now, even if they make you uncomfortable. I want you to help me do that, not with sympathy or attempts to fix.

I know how unattended grief can surface many years later. As painful as it looks from the outside, this is the road I must traverse. Walking beside me is enough.

Dale 

Thank you, Dale for sharing your story.

The amazing thing about Virtual Hospice is the way it all comes together. 

• You share your story

• You get compassionate response(s)

• The responders become better in their outreach when you further respond to them.

• Countless others who read these posts –whether or not they comment – find solace in the stories of others.

• The anonymity for those who submit, and those who respond, allows nicely for the most honest of expression.

• “The silence of another who knows and feels is important. I would call this ‘presence’ and it is so import in the dying and the grieving. Holding a space to fully engage the experience is a gift that few offer.”   I believe that the art of “holding a space” is offered by so few because people (including me) do not know how, or when to offer.   I think that when asked directly, if they would like to commune silently, the one grieving, may not give a clear answer – for a variety of reasons.  How does one know when to a) share a conversation, b) listen to their story, or c) “hold a space” by sharing “presence” through silence?

•  “I did not realize that the relationship with her would continue”  Can you describe the dynamics of that?

• “my attempt to find completion is a big part of what I am experiencing now as grief.”  Were you referring to the nebulous concept of “closure”?  How would you define “completion”, Dale?

• “Men seem to grieve in different ways than woman do”  In what ways can you describe this?  Personally, I have a much better frame of reference with the grieving process of women – perhaps it’s because many men have difficulty expressing themselves when it comes to something so personal as their grief journey.

If you choose to respond, Dale, could you answer each one of the points separately?  It would perhaps, make it easier for you – you could do it over an extended timeframe.  Also it would be easier for people to read in small chunks.  Some people, under stress have a difficult time with long essays.

When you say, “I don’t know if carrying some else’s backpack helps, ultimately I am going to have to pick it up. I want to engage the feelings now, even if they make you uncomfortable. I want you to help me do that, not with sympathy or attempts to fix.” rest assured that all of us here at Virtual Hospice, are willing “listeners” who encourage you to engage your feelings now (as you say you want to).     I promise that your words will never make us uncomfortable, Dale. 

eKim (one who offers to “walk beside” you for a spell)

Kim asks, How does one know when to a) share a conversation, b) listen to their story, or c) “hold a space” by sharing “presence” through silence?