((hugs)) blueyedman,
I know exactly how you feel, my husband was stage 4 lung cancer, i kept him at home till the last 4 hours of his life, My beautiful blue eyed husbands journey of life ended on Dec. 18th 2014.. Don't get dragged into people telling you to get over it, grief and mourning do not have a time limit. I started berevement group here in Owen sound ont. through our local hospice and V.O.N. We are reading understanding your grief by Alan D, Wolfert, Ph,D a grief councellor for the past 3 decades. He brings up some really good points. The toughest times for me are this month, on wed my husband Ron would have turned 57 yrs old, i am honoring his day with my berevement group on wed, i am then honoring Ron with a raost beef dinner with our kids. Then comes Valentines day and i keep the teddy bear that Ron bought me last year close to me, then on the 19th it would have been our 32nd anniversary. Its very hard not having my husband in physical form with me, i do however have his ashes at home with me, i am having a custom made box to place the container with his ashes in with room for me to put notes inside. I have already come to the conclusion that he will stay with me till my journey ends, when i have clear instructions that i too am to be cremated and our ashes combined as one once again, we will be emptied into a plot togather. When we married we became one and it will be that way again. I am still in denial i dont want to believe he has gone. But, i find that being with others whom have also lost their partners is helping. They understand a lot more of how you are felling as they too are experiencing that same loss, we all grieve in our own way, dont rush yourself. Cry all you want and if you don't have supportive people around you, look somewhere else for that support, in order to heal from this mental, physical and emotional trauma we must grieve and mourn our losses, openly without shame, and with support. There is support out there, my support group is being run by Rev. Huff, churches, hospice, V.O.N are all there for our support and comfort. Don't let others tell you to get over it, or time is a healer cause litterally it is not, we just conform and adapt to living in a different way. It is hard to love someone so purely, so strongly only to have them taken from a horrible disease. No one can walk this journey for me, i have to walk this alone, the most we can do is have someone to walk with us in support. I wish i could give you a true hug, and tell you i am there if you need me, but a virtual one is all i can offer to you. Know you are not alone, i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, for i know just how devastaing this is for you and i..
much love and hugs to you myblueeyedman
Dar