I am so sorry for your loss and the struggle to find direction or a place to land with the swirling emotions. This is a place where you can share and open up as you explore your thoughts, feelings, and sense of loss. I know because this was a resource for me.
Grief is highly personal for each of us. As someone said it is a fingerprint, we all grief uniquely and in an idiosyncratic way. No way is right. No way is wrong. It is what it is. The key to grief that was told to me right after Donna passed was that you do not run from it nor deny its rightful place in your world. I found for me and this is for me but has a universal sense to it, you charge at it. Tackle it everyday. Think of the loss the memories the feelings the emotions. It becomes familiar and understood. Below is a section from a blog post I did
Following her [Donna] death my choice was to be an active participant in my grieving and mourning. I promised myself I would not shy away from emotions or feelings. I charged into this knowing full well it was with her, for her, for me, and for us. There will be no end to this, no closure because I choose to live with my emotions and the reality of grieving. A good friend sent me this which captures a view:
"Freud (I was told) used the word CATHEXIS to talk about attachment. My supervisor talked about the process of grief being the work of "DECATHEXIS" and that is the tying off the threads (the warp & the woof) of the tapestry of the relationship. All the threads that make up that tapestry have to be tied off, the tapestry completed. The tapestry remains and is preserved through that tying off of the threads that formed the relationship. And it's hard, time-consuming work."
My take away? I am creating a tapestry of memories and emotions that I will finish and carry it with me like the Bedouin's moving from one place to another safe knowing they have all that they need to thrive. It is a comforter not a shroud.
I say this because as we reflect on what we feel and know it becomes our experience. It is something new. And learning is the only thing that we as humans do that changes our consciousness. We grow. But that exercise in learning and growing is better and accelerated when we share with others. Their experiences shape ours and improve our ability to learn and grow. Glad you are here.
Finally, grief is an ever changing avatar. It is with us sometimes all day every day sometimes it comes to visit to let us know we are vulnerable. It is there for you if you embrace it and share it.
Here are some podcasts I did on grief
Sorry about the brother in law. That is his path and we should make no judgement but accept has his fingerprint no matter how smudgy it feels.