For us, what is done is never enough. We rail against what we cannot control. The path to acceptance is difficult.

I watch for the small signs as well….a little slower, a little less aware. Waking to the change in breathing, trying to settle.

I no longer know how to answer, “How’s he doing”? Few have asked, how am I.

I cherish the moments I spend in my garden. The black licorice smell of the elderberry bush, watching the pink roses and sweet peas strive to climb the trellis, listening to the light splashes of the birds bathing in the water garden and feeling the sun on my face.

Enjoy your time away celebrating your birth.

Happy Birthday! My thoughts are with you.

Cherel33

Hello Katherine,

Thank you for the William Blake quote. It gives me comfort

Sitting in the garden soothes my soul and I am at peace. I contemplate my life and what the future holds watching the antics of my Jack Russell dog as he stalks the teasing squirrels.

In the house; there is no goodbye for my husband and I, there is no talk of the 40+ years of marriage. There is only talk of what he wants to accomplish in the next year, or three years or ten. My heart is breaking listening to my husband’s thoughts of huge new projects to tackle like painting the deck and having the roof replaced. He talks of riding a motorcycle again and how he misses it and how he is intending on buying another one. He sleeps more than 50% of the day, self-medicates for continual pain and is unable to walk through a grocery store. How would any of this be possible?

With Stage 4 Bladder cancer and an ECOG rating of 3 there is no cure and there will be no heroic efforts to save him.

His life is filled with depression and anger. Anger directed towards me rather than the disease. The anger hurts, but I understand his fears. I too am afraid of the future and what it holds, but I am strong and will keep putting one foot in front of another on this terrible journey.

Cherel33 

Hi Mary,

Thanks for responding and thanks for asking how I am.

It’s nice to know I’m not alone with my thoughts. Feelings of frustration, anger and sadness continuously roil through me. Unable to share these feelings with the one person who should be by my side is challenging to say the least. Our three children, all in their 30’s are attempting to deal with similar feelings with anger leading the way. My husband spurns their attempts to be with him and participate in any type of activity. All three are now reflecting on the past and his fault in their poor relationships with him. Knowing that it wasn’t all bad, it’s heart-breaking to see and hear them struggling. I hope they will eventually come to this realization and think better of the man they knew of, as their father.

I try my best to explain and comfort them, but each is an individual with their own thoughts and feelings. The two girls have turned from anger with me, in believing I wasn’t doing enough for him, to anger with him.

It has been since the fall of 2014 for us. As the months flowed by each new illness/disease reared its ugly head. I prepared medical timelines as we met yet another new specialist. Each one believing their disease was the priority until the cancer was the new guy on the block and took precedence over everything else. Due to his comorbidities chemotherapy is not really an option.

There are so many other issues associated with this. The financial aspect alone is daunting. Where once we were comfortable, now we are struggling. Made much more difficult with the change from full employment to not and his continuous purchases. The savings are dwindling and he doesn’t grasp the situation. His denial places me in an untenable position. I am the bad guy when I’m angry with the weekly purchases arriving at the door.

You said, “I so relate to what you are going through and NO you can NOT take away his visions of the future, even though you know better, but just listen and SOMETIMES go along with his dream of biking or whatever it is he is looking forward to doing”.

You’re right in the regard that I should listen and sometimes go along with his dreams and I try desperately to. The problem is for him they are not dreams. He believes he will go walking through the bush, hunting again with purchases associated with that. He believes he will ride a motorcycle again and is researching and went to see one yesterday. I refused to go and don’t know whether he owns another motorcycle or not. There is already a defunct motorcycle in the driveway and another in the garage that I will eventually have to deal with. This is a man who can barely walk, needs help to put on his shoes and sleeps more than 50% of the day. He does little but, sleep, eat, smoke and play on his computer.

I have taken your advice and am now involving him in meal preparation such as peeling potatoes etc., anything to inspire and have success.

This is our life, he in denial and me picking up the pieces.

Cherel33 

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
Yesterday he wanted a motorcycle,
Yesterday he wanted to fly like the wind,
Yesterday he wanted to be free of the pain.
To see how far he has fallen is heart-wrenching.
To understand the depth of denial is beyond knowing.
To realize his glory days are behind him.
To know they can’t be again.
To crush his dreams is not what I want.
But he can’t walk,
But he can’t understand,
But he can’t see I know.
Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.

Cherel 

Dear Cherel,

No words. Just thoughts, and breathing care your direction.

Nouce