Hi KCJB and welcome to Virtual Hospice!
I feel deeply for what you are enduring in the situation with your Mom. It has to be driving you to distraction! I'm glad to know that you are aware that many others are in similar circumstances with their aged parent(s). While misery may proverbially love company, I have found it of little comfort. We must find a way for you to rise above the misery to find rest and respite for yourself.
My elderly Mom passed away at age 84 a year and four months ago. I miss her immensely. She too, like your Mom, had dementia and sometimes her moods were changeable, her demeanour difficult and the way she treated me at times was not always easy to cope with. A social worker with experience with dementia patients assured me that when someone affected by dementia lashes out it is usually directed toward those whom they most trust. I believe it is true in my Mom's case as the trust between us was true no matter how the disease tried to interfere with it and us, but I will not candy coat the experience, it was a trial that I too sometimes wondered and worried if it would ever end, as I knew from the prognosis it was not likely to get better. Yet, as I'm sure you know, some days to provide us with a break and the once-kind and caring mother we knew shines through. It is those moments that seem to enable us with the courage to carry on.
Unlike you, I never lived with my Mom although I spent most of my "free time" with her. I too work full time and have a large family, my children and their partners and grandchildren, yet my Mom came first in my priorities as she was the most needy of my time and attention. I was there with her and for her because I loved her and wanted to make her life feel safer and more comfortable, yet dementia cannot be overcome and our best efforts don't always make a difference we wish for.
My Mom spent the last 5 1/2 months of her life in a nursing home, and it was not a good experience. Although I was unable financially to bring her home to live with me, I could not and would not have been able to cope with the very valid demands of her illness even if I had been rich and able to have her come home to live with me. That will sound terrible I'm sure to some people, but I know myself and my limitations and I knew then my mother and hers. It would not have been a wise decision to be living together under the same roof.
Are you in a financial position to hire help? Have you considered the options available to your Mom and to you such as long term care or assisted living? Are you able to discuss your feelings and frustrations with your doctor, especially about having felt depressed for the past several years? You may be simply reacting to the feelings of entrapment which are natural in your situation, but there may be something else going one that should be looked into. You must begin to consider your own needs as you are in a very heartbreaking situation and you need to find a better way for both your Mom and you.
I know when my Mom was dying, the lady in the hospital bed beside her kept blurting out obscenities and I was told that it happens to some people with dementia or Alzheimer's disease. It is not uncommon and these offensive words are entirely outside of the control of those spewing them. Your Mom is not thinking about these words, they are an automatic response and don't reflect on her and certainly not on you in any way. My Mom had a mental illness from the time I was born, but was not diagnosed until I was a young teen. There were times when she was not herself, times her thoughts and actions were not under her control and many times she said or did embarrassing things. I learned ignore the odd stares from strangers and began to educate people about my Mom's illness. It was not her fault then, nor was it her fault when she in her later years developed dementia, nor is it your Mom's intention to wound you or others with words. It is not her fault and I suspect you know that her behaviour has nothing to do with the reality of you. It's is so hard though, no matter how much we know in our logical minds, not to take personally the hurts sent our way by the mothers we so love.
I hope I am not overwhelming you with information. I will wait until you respond before writing more. I just really want you to know that while everyone's circumstance is different, we do share some of the same experiences which can help when we are feeling alone. You are not alone, KCJB, and I hope you know that together we can come up with a plan to help you cope. You are very courageous to write so openly about the truth of your experience, and I know it's not an easy thing to do. I admire you, and even though your Mom is being very hard to get along with for some time now, in her heart of hearts she doesn't mean it, and she loves you just as you so obviously love her.
We must find a way to ensure that your Mom receives the best care possible while also ensuring that - YOU - find a way to make yourself a priority. We can never care for another if we completely burn out.