Hi Diana2012:
I'm home now and on my regular computer - so much easier to see and type on it!:-)
The reason I recommended the other thread is because Charneypam's aunt was also very private and she was not interested in speaking with her doctor or her family about her illness or prognosis and she had decided she simply wanted to let nature take its course. Charneypam wanted advice on intervening on behalf of her aunt directly with her aunt's doctor because she too was worried about her depression and isolation.
Personally, I don't think it's always a good idea to go over a loved one's head or behind their back IF the person is mentally capable of making a decision and that decision is that they don't want anyone to speak to their doctor for them. I think as hard as it is to watch someone suffer or to perceive them as suffering, we don't have the right to go against their express wishes. Your MIL may feel disrespected or betrayed if you were to consult her doctor without her knowledge or permission.
However, having said all that, if you are worried about your MIL's state of mind and the possibility that she is clinically depressed, you have no choice really but to alert her doctor. I think if her doctor was informed he would be able to help and I would suggest it is worth a try. S/he could bring up the subject with her and ask her how she is coping and perhaps suggest to her some medication that could help or counselling she could access. Of course the guidance she would receive would depend on how honest and forthright your MIL is with her doctor. People sometimes hide their fears and symptoms from doctors.
So Diana2012, I see no harm in you and/or your husband contacting your MIL's doctor to express your concerns, but that is only my opinion and I'm not a healthcare professional. Should you decide to call your MIL's doctor, be prepared that most doctors will not under any circumstance discuss their patient with others, even close family, without permission of the patient, but many doctors have no objection to receiving input and in fact may welcome additional information about their patient from family as long as the family knows that the doctor may not be able to comment directly about their patient to them.
Perhaps now is the perfect opportunity to discuss with your husband, and maybe soon at the right moment with your MIL, her wishes for end of life. You may want to discuss getting a Power of Attorney document for her personal care which includes her healthcare and which will empower the person(s) she chooses to make decisions for her in the event that she cannot.
Do you know what she would want as far as what treatments or medical interventions she would want and accept - or not - should she be unable to communicate her wishes down the road? If not, it would be best to think of these things now and gently raise these questions with your MIL. If she is unwilling to speak to you about these things I don't know what more you can do but accept that she is being very private about everything for her own personal reasons. She may just need a little more time to accept her situation. You can very gently keep trying to encourage her to open up and talk with you but she may not welcome your concern and she might just clam up. It is not anyone's fault if she does, as I imagine she feels her world is turned upside down right now and it must be an enormous struggle to make sense of what is happening and to hold on to hope. I feel for her and for you and your family as I imagine you all feel quite helpless.
Your husband and you know your MIL best and I think you have to walk gingerly around all sensitive topics while she is adjusting to the news the doctor delivered when s/he said that there is nothing more to be done for her. So sad that she is surrounded by loving family and a close friend who want to help her, but the way she is reacting may be in her mind her best way to cope. Ultimately, if she is lucid, how she accepts help or opts to decline it is her choice.
Perhaps if you have children, you could ask your MIL to work with them on a making a memory box as a summer project? If you don't have kids, is this something your husband and you could do with her? Sometimes, looking back at old photos and mementoes has a way of bringing to the surface many emotions and it may open the door of opportunity to deeper discussions. Let me know what you think and how things go. I hope somehow you will be able to draw your MIL out of her shell and into your circle of love and support.
With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1