Dear Pooka:

The strain of your circumstances and the many demands placed upon you have taken a huge toll on you in every respect and yet very admirably you refuse to allow life’s unfairness to defeat you as you demonstrate daily your determination to make the very best of a very sad situation. I find that when I am living under extreme stress it is very difficult to maintain a positive and confident perspective, but in a life-challenging situation such as the one your husband and you find yourselves in, it is naturally very hard on you both to feel sure of your decisions.

You will feel guilt and self-doubt which I believe is almost inescapable in complex circumstances such as yours. When a loved one's life is at risk, and especially when there is no particular right or wrong answer, I believe it is very natural to question if there is anything more that could be done, should have been done, and I think it is a part of coming to terms, over time, with the reality that cannot be ignored or wished away. Denial is your husband’s present mode of coping while you are not able to live in a state of wishful thinking, yet both of you are suffering.

I must be clear with you though, there is absolutely nothing you are doing or will do in the future to add to your husband’s suffering as you, Pooka, are undoubtedly his constant consolation, his inspiration, his succour, his solace and support! Whether or not he is able to break through his wall of denial, only time will tell, but you are in every waking moment your husband’s loyal light of hope! Please never doubt these truths! It is hard to be in a position where so much is expected of you, to be that perpetual symbol of hope even when you yourself are tempted by doubts, to be the practical prop providing care and comfort even when you are feeling worn out, to be the person who walks the fine line between giving and giving up and giving again, the person who makes all the difference to a vulnerable loved one whose life is coming to a close. To your husband, you are that exceptional person, Pooka, no doubt about it!  

As much as you are patient and sensitive to the fact that your husband is lost in denial about his prognosis as he clings to his life and his love for you and his son and family, you must try to always remember to be equally sensitive and patient with yourself as you too struggle to fully accept the ultimate outcome of your husband's illness and to cope with how it affects each of your lives as individuals, your son's life, and your lives as a family. 

I understand the nagging feelings of uncertainty, fear, guilt and regret that haunt your overwhelmed spirit as I too have been plagued by such unsettling thoughts and feelings. You are simply exhausted and when one is so spent it is hard to fight off the negative little voices that burrow into our defenceless hearts and overwrought minds to infect us with doubt in our most vulnerable moments and deplete our energies and play havoc with our heightened emotions. 

Pooka, you are so tired and discouraged and yet somehow you find within you the love, the strength and the compassion to look after your husband, as he suffers without accepting that he is suffering, and you care for your son and try to prepare him for the future and try to protect him during his father's personal struggle with life and death. You reach out to others to help and console them as you did for Mirela and by sharing the wisdom and worth of your own lived experience, you are making an important difference in the lives of your husband, your son, your family and friends, and to us here in your Virtual Hospice inner circle of love and support! Thank you, Pooka for being so remarkably open and honest about what you and your family are living through!

When doubts come to call upon you and threaten your inner peace, remember how incredibly resilient and brave you are in each onerous moment as you still rise to face the morning and the challenges that each new day brings. I hope that your doubts will not keep you awake at night because you deserve to escape deep into the replenishment of sleep to rest awhile and far from your worries. Remember not what you may have done wrong or could have done differently, but focus on all the many things you have done right and remember too that everything you do comes from a sacred place in your heart that is filled with love and hope. Remember that despite how frightening and exhausting it feels to live with the facts and to wrestle with the unknown; you still faithfully get up and go every day as you do everything in your power for your husband and for your son. 

Pooka, your husband and you have had to accept and to endure more heartbreak than many people. While none of us have the power to predict when we will die, we do have some power to control how we will live when facing our own death or the death of a loved one. You are facing with endless courage a most shattering reality and reliving it daily and you don't deserve to be heartlessly ensnared by self-doubt. Allow your unquestionable devotion and love for your husband and your pure motives to put to rest your doubts and to set free your wondering heart! You inspire your husband and son, I am certain, as you inspire us all. Remember the glorious and uplifting truth about you and know you are never alone in your humanity as we all share it with you and we are ever amazed by your beautiful soul! You have been, you are now, and I believe you will continue to be the hopeful hero of your husband’s heart and the everlasting love of his life!

With affection - hugs- xo and continued prayers for your husband, you and your son
Cath1