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My Dad always played Santa.... what do I tell my kids? 
Créé par lilbear
18 oct. 2012, 15 h 44

My Dad has metastatic prostate cancer that has now invaded his brain.  He has played Santa every Christmas Eve to my kids.  My 6 year old has had this pleasure since a newborn and has no idea it is him.  My 12 year old knows it is his "Papa".
My biggest fear is of my Dad passing at Christmas time - but he will not be able to be Santa this year for sure as he is too ill. 
How do I explain to my daughter why Santa didn't come visit this Christmas Eve?  I do not want someone else to be Santa and I don't want her to be upset or think Santa didn't come because of something she did.
Any ideas?  I appreciate your input. 
 
Réponse de Cath1
18 oct. 2012, 19 h 26

Hi Lilbear:

It is very sad that your Dad has cancer that has spread to his brain. You must be going through a lot right now as you come to terms with everything that means. I am sending you hugs!

For you, it is hard to imagine losing your Dad at any time of the year, I'm sure. I understand your worry that he may pass away by or during the holidays as that thought only adds to your anxiety, especially since you have young children. As a family you've enjoyed the holiday celebrations together and have honoured certain traditions, such as the annual "visit" from Santa for which your Dad played the starring role. Sadly, this year and in the year's to come your Dad will not be able to fulfill his grandchild's Christmas wish.

I think that your feelings about such a possible if not inevitable change is a shining example of how broad, layered, complex and individual is the experience of anticipatory grief. When our loved one falls ill and we begin to imagine our life without them, we mourn in advance the person we love, our relationship with them, and our connections to all the little things and personal memories that we fear losing.

For many people the thought of or the actual experience of a close loved one dying during special seasons such as Christmas is heartbreaking. I understand your worry for your youngest child, but I think s/he may suspect already that Santa is Grandad. If you are certain s/he has no clue, I suggest you may want to start a new tradition and begin to prepare your child for it now.

Perhaps you could start a Santa and Mrs. Claus blog on the Internet and you could post "updates" from Santa's elves and Mrs. Claus. They could report that this year, Mrs. Claus is going to be visiting some kids instead of Santa because they simply have too many good children on their list for Santa to visit them all on his own. Of course, someone will have to step in and dress like Mrs. Claus on Christmas Eve for this plan to work. You coud explain, that like parents, Mr. & Mrs. Claus are a team and are equally magical in their own right. You could add photos and a Christmas Wish List that your child could print and then "mail" or email to you. I'm sure a 6 year year old would love to be engaged in such a project and your 12-year-old could help as well. If possible you could record your Dad's voice saying, "Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas" and perhaps if he is up to it he could give the kids a special message from the "North Pole". This may not be possible if he is too frail or if you would upset him by asking him to do such a thing. These are only ideas to spark your imagination.

I hope that your Dad does not pass away during Christmastime, Lilbear, but we have no control over when anyone's life will end. You and your children may find ways to cope with the holidays without any extraordinary effort on your part to ensure that life remains as it has always been. Life does change, and children and we change with it yet we can find through experience that we will receive the grace to accept and adapt to the changes we cannot control. It is not easy, but it is possible. The familiar traditions you and your family have lovingly shared will always be warm memories, and in the future you will create new memories together.

Lilbear, you may from now until Christmastime have very different worries and feelings about what is happening to your Dad so please know we are here for you as things change and evolve in your situation. You need not feel alone.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1      
 
Réponse de Cath1
18 oct. 2012, 19 h 33

Dear lilbear:

I just noticed that you did mention that your youngest child is your daughter and that your Dad is known to your kids as "Papa". Sorry I missed those important details when responding to you.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1     
 
18 oct. 2012, 21 h 04

Lilbear,

I'm so sorry your post was lost. I will report this to our technical team. I hope you will post again.
Colleen 
 
Réponse de Cath1
19 oct. 2012, 0 h 45

Hi lilbear:

I see you tried to post and it didn't work out. May I suggest that when you try to post again that before you press SUBMIT, copy your text in case it should happen again and at least then you will be able to paste it in a new message and you will not lose the content.

I just tested a theory as to why some people may be losing their posts and I think I may have discovered one reason. If you press by accident the REPLY button (at the top left corner above the post) instead of SUBMIT (at the bottom left corner under the post) when you want to finalize your post, it will automatically bump you out of the system and your post will be lost. Only press SUBMIT when you want to publish your post. It never hurts to copy your post every time ... just in case!:-)

We look forward to hearing from you again soon, lilbear.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1   
 
19 oct. 2012, 1 h 29

Cath1,
That's it!! I suspect that's exactly what has been happening. Without scrolling, I don't even see the submit button as I write this post. The natural tendancy is to click the Reply button above this text window. I will contact our designer tomorrow and we'll come up with a better design as soon as is possible.
Why didn't I see this sooner?
Many, many thanks.
Colleen 
 
Réponse de Cath1
19 oct. 2012, 1 h 47

Hi Colleen: Thanks! Maybe the techs could figure out how to remove the reply button from showing up once someone presses it and the text box opens. If there was only a submit option that would be ideal.

Have a great evening!:)

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1  
 
19 oct. 2012, 1 h 50

Exactly.
 
19 oct. 2012, 12 h 17

Thank you Cath1 for working this out with us. The redendant Reply button disappears once the text window opens, leaving the Submit button as the clear choice to post a message. Thanks again.

Now let's return this thread to the very important subject that Lilbear started.

Dear Lilbear,
As a mother myself, I can relate. It's heart-wrenching to be losing your father and even more so when you start thinking about your children having to face such a harsh reality early in life. We revel in children's ability to believe and make-believe, perhaps wishing we still could too.

I agree with Cath1 about making new traditions and collecting memories of when your father played Santa as these will outlast the belief that Santa is real. Children are incredible and I suspect your daughter will surprise you in her understanding of the truth about your Dad playing Santa. I don't know if this will help, but when my daughter was 6 she stopped believing in Santa because her classmates burst that bubble. I think I was more sad about it than she was. Much to my surprise, the following year she said, "Mom, I don't think my friends are right. I think there is a Santa Claus." So for the following Christmases, we were able to hang up the stockings, put out the glass of milk, etc." We still know that the Santa in the malls are just fill ins and that's okay for her too. Somehow she arranges all this in her brain.

Here are some resources about talking to children about losing someone.

I hope to continue talking about this with you and with others. 
Bon courage.
Colleen 
 
Réponse de lilbear
19 oct. 2012, 17 h 34

Okay...testing the posting first... :)


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