Last night was a total wreck.
my mother said things to me that were so hurtful and they will stay with me forever, I think. She is so, so very mad, at her situation, at life and at not being home. She is taking it out on those she loves and I do not blame her.
every evening is when mom seems to expect to be going home. It makes her very combative, angry and verbally abusive. When I arrived in the late afternoon, mom was sitting up in bed, snacking. I told her "I am changing your pyjama now" and she pretty well ignored me. I was thrilled to get her in a clean nightgown! Then I pressed my luck and said "now I'm going to change your bed linens" i gently propped her up in the chair next to her bed and got to work changing sheets. She started making demands to move items from her bedside table closer to her. I obliged until she asked me for the flower vase. I said I didn't think it was a good idea because it was glass and she may drop it and hurt herself. She got mad. I still refused. She was livid. I think she was under the impression she was in a wheelchair, so she started pushing her chair backward with her legs To get out of the room. She started yelling at me, saying she wanted to leave. She pushed me and tried to stand up. I rang the nurse for help and they came to calm her. She stopped her tantrum and sat in her chair and ignored me and cussed me out under her breath.
one of our family friends arrived then, and I took the opportunity to let him visit with her and I left the room for a ten minute break. When I came back, she was tantruming again and our friend was beside himself, not knowing what to do. She was trying so desperately to get out of the room. He sat her down in her roommates chair (thankfully, he was out of the room). We sat with her while she cursed us both. I gave him a hug and told him to go home. Mom said "you can wait til you're blue in the face, I am not going back into that @&$! Bed."
Last night was was the first time she complained about her head hurting. We gave her Tylenol, but mom said she was in a great deal of pain. I told her not to wait too long before asking for something when she starts to feel pain. She said she thought it would go away on its own.
ias mom stubbornly sat up in her hard backed chair, I pulled her nurse aside and explained her stress and anxiety are so high in the evening that, even though mom refuses anti anxiety medication, we should try to administer it so she can have a restful night. He said he agreed and he would try to present it as a medication that would help with her pain. He brought her one and she took it. We waited for it to take effect a bit, she still cursed me under her breath the whole time. I asked if I could help her lay down as I could see she was very uncomfortable. She swore at me. Finally, she yelled at me about how much physical pain she was in, so I called the nurse and he brought her a half a morphine pill. shortly after she asked to be placed back in bed so we both helped place her back in bed.
she was much more relaxed and was getting sleepy. I sat with her and she chatted about pleasant things with me. I held her hand as she relaxed. Then I tucked her in and left for the night.
this morning she said she had the best sleep ever and felt like a million bucks today. I spoke to her day nurse and mentioned the evening stress and anxiety and the doc will be made aware about trying to make an anti anxiety med a part of her evening routine.
at the suggestion of my aunt (who is a nurse) I shortened my morning visit today' and will have a shorter evening visit as well. I really needed a rest after yesterday's stress. I spent a pleasant morning with mom, helped her eat lunch and then headed off after settling her in for a nap.
this afternoon moms assigned social worker called the house and we talked at length. We discussed the logistics of potentially having mom home for a few days. She would have to be transferred by ambulance. I would want a nurse present with us round the clock. We would need a medical bed, wheelchair and commode and we'd set it up here on the main floor. I think it is doable for three or four days, I don't care about the cost. I just worry that after the stay she would refuse to leave again for hospice. I know part of her understands this is what would need to happen, but another part of her cannot compute or refuses to accept that as reality. This is my dilemma.
yes, mom wants to desperately go home, and this has been her goal for months now. But will it really benefit her if she has to go through the agonizing process of leaving again for hospice? I don't know. I am meeting with the palliative care coordinator tomorrow with mom, and I am also meeting with the social worker to talk further.