I haven't written in awhile, so I think this thread is due an update. Things are pretty well status quo and we have not experienced any dramatic changes since last I wrote.
mom is sleeping more these days. The doctor adjusted her sleep aids so that she is mostly sleeping well during the night. She gets tired more easily and seems to initiate conversation much less frequently When we're together. She gets more easily annoyed at the phone ringing and gets very agitated when there are more than two people in the room. If I ask her too many questions she gets very frustrated.
we had a bad spell ther where mom was being very rude to the staff, swearing at them and being uncooperative and unpleasant. It comes and goes. The staff assured me they have seen worse, and they continue to treat mom with the utmost dignity and respect. They are remarkable.
i live for the moments when mom is her most lucid. Sometimes when we chat, I would never believe that she was ill, or dying. We had an excellent chat several days ago. She said "I'm sorry to be leaving you all alone." (I make sure never to cry or breakdown in front of mom, so this was a hard chat.) I told her I will miss her but that I know she'll always be looking out for me and my boys. She assured me she would. I asked her if she was scared, and she said no, but that she really wonders where she will be headed off to next. I told her that I think it's a good place, a beautiful place and that she shouldn't be afraid.
mom hasn't left her bed for a week and a half. Getting into the lfit, transferring to the mega-wheelchair and then having to do it all in reverse is too exhausting for her. The last outing we had it was just mom and I. It was chilly and rainy so we only went out to the sitting room to warm up by the fire. I made her and I a cup of hot chocolate and we just sat quietly together. It was nice.
we had good friends of the family visit this weekend which did mom a world of good. I think it did even more good for me because I actually had someone I could talk to. Not having any family support in all of this is very hard, but at least we have friends who are as good as family in my eyes.
as for me, I am emotionally exhausted. I feel very much alone and with my husband and son away from me I feel so guilty. I am missing out on my little boys milestones and it hurts. I do not sleep well or eat properly. I am neglecting myself. I am trying to get some good walking in every day so at least I get some fresh air jd movement in. I want to say it helps me sleep, but I can't.
this is a trying time and I feel guilty because it seems like I am simply waiting for mom to die. I try very hard to cherish each day that I spend with her and try very hard not to feel resentful. All of these emotions can be really overwhelming at times. I am so blessed that my husband and I have very clear, open lines of communication. I don't know what I would do without that.