Dear Mark99:
Thank you for writing your very sweet note of appreciation. Your words reach into my heart as it wants to understand yours. I think I know how you feel when you worry that finding peace will mean you are abandoning Donna.
The priest at my Mom's funeral told us that it is important to visit her gravesite and to visit often to honour and remember her and her memory, but that instruction although undoubtedly very well intentioned actually goes against my own beliefs. I believe that my Mom is now resting and that her soul had left her body long before she entered the funeral home. In fact I had etched into her grave marker the words: 'Sweet Angel, Sleep in Heavenly Peace', not only as a loving tribute to her and her deep Catholic roots but because I sang that hymn for my Mom as she was dying and most importantly I believed those precious words to be true. In my mind, my Mom is resting and no long suffering and I know beyond all shadows of the many doubts that have haunted me in my sorrow since she died that she would never want me to feel infinitely inconsolable over her death. Her love for me was so great as is mine for my children that this truth is not merely magical thinking, to me it makes logical sense.
Still, grief is powerful and unruly in its ability to make us question our every small and large feeling and action and memory associated with our loved one, and we begin to wonder about the truth of our feelings as we rate them against our experience. Many people deconstruct lifelong philosophies and once-solid faith while struggling to come to terms with loss in the stark light of self-analyses and doubt. When feeling lost in the kind of debilitating emptiness that fills us up with a crushing sense of loneliness that sometimes feels that our souls can never be whole again, we are highly susceptible to the suggestions and judgments of others - at least I was very sensitive to the expectations of others as I had no comparable experience with grief in my past as I felt when my Mom died and I struggled for quite a long time to pave my own path to follow.
Just as the priest suggested to me and my family, I began immediately after my Mom was buried to visit her gravesite to leave flowers and metal butterflies, her rosary beads and hand-written notes and cards. Symbolically I was trying to keep her alive. I am finding now that I don't go so often and in the past two months I have sometimes felt a nagging guilt for neglecting to visit my Mom and yet I don't believe she is in that grave.
Speaking to her at the gravesite does not make me feel any closer to her than I do in my own home surrounded by her smile staring back at me in photos taken that capture much more aptly her and her life and its meaning to me. Hence, I have now made a conscious decision to visit only as a means to ensure that the grounds are being kept up as the visits for me serve only to intensify my sorrow and make me revisit it more often than I can handle.
Gravesites for some people, like the priest, signify respect and love and reliving of memories that cannot be forgotten but for me it signifies sadness and triggers in me the unpleasant memories I have of my Mom in her casket when I felt most alienated from her. I choose now to look at her picture smiling at me and it always gives me the hope and comfort I need. It is what I believe my mother would want as well. I had to detach from my mourning to live and to continue loving and being fully present in the lives of my children and grandchildren, my extended family and friends.
Before my Mom died I didn't believe in heaven, not 100%, but for me I now believe it exists because I saw the bliss in my mother's eyes before she closed them forever. Whatever she saw was something of indescribable beauty and whether she saw God or had a glimpse of heaven I cannot know, but I do know that she was ready and willing to let go of all pain and fear to greet whatever it was waiting for her. I dwell on that precious memory when other less desirable memories try to distract me from the hard won inner peace I have attained so far. I am still travelling on toward healing . . .
Mark99, there is nothing that can threaten your memories of Donna and the love you shared of which she believed along with you conquers all. . .but there is no time stamp on when and how it will happen.
If one day you notice that some of Donna's essence as relived in your very vivid memories begins to fade, accept that not as defeat or as a sign that you do not love her deeply or well enough, but as sign that you do deserve to experience a loving respite from the fiery flames of sorrow that have scorched your heart and have consumed your entire being for so long. You will always love Donna, without a doubt, just as she will love you, but if your love for her remains as vital as it once was when she was living, you may deny yourself the very comfort and peace that she as the person who knew and loved you best would want to know. As a couple you are self-described as “take no prisoners” types of people. If I understand her as you describe her, Donna would not wish for you to remain in a prison of sorrow for the rest of your life.
The heart is so broad and roomy, I know this because I have four kids, and it only stretches with each person we love and it never grows smaller because any person we love leaves this world as they will always occupy an enchanted place in our hearts.
You will never abandon Donna no matter what Mark99, and you need not ever feel selfish for wishing the pain you endure could end. Your feelings as you travel the lonely road of grief may trouble your path with guilt or regret but don't labour long with these emotions, as you are definitely a worthy, big-hearted and lovable man, the man Donna chose for her life mate, the man whom inspired her to gift you with the lasting truth engraved not only on your 10th anniversary ring, but these words are etched into your soul: ‘Amour Omnia vincit’ Love conquers all . . .
I am wishing that you will realize that you are already victorious in love and that you will find the strength to live through the agonies of loss as you remember the ecstasies that Donna brought with her into your life and your heart. One day in the future I believe that you will arrive safely on the softer side of sorrow.
With affection -hugs-xo
Cath1