Dear Horton,
the name horton is perfect as you mentioned the story line sticking through thick and thin.
i am so sorry that you are overwhelmed with the loss of your dad, and now your mom so I'll.
i do hope that as Brayden mentioned you were able to find support in your community, some who can understand, listen and give you support in person...it is important to have that support.
having just lost my mom who suffered from dementia, lived at a distance from me, and when I visited her she thought I was going to move there, be there, and it ripped my heart out too.
i live several proVince's away from my mom and when she passed away this May, and of course for the several years before she passed - I struggled with not being there, and instead had a job, responsibilities I couldn't leave, and I also cared for a special needs family member - so it was a nerve wracking, guilt ridden and agonizing time as I was unable to be in two places at once.
one piece of advice, do what you can, regarding spending time with your mom - and know you are doing your best to divide your time up
secondly, it sounds like your mom is in periods of confusion and says words that are pointedly hurtful.
she does not have All the information, she doesnt have a clear mind, and she is probably struggling with many things, feeling lost, perhaps anxiety, or discomfort, and lashes out with words that hurt.
as a caregiver for others I took verbal assaults often from those with dementia. I knew I was doing my best, they thought I was there to hurt them, which of course was farthest from the truth.
plain and simple Words can cut like a knife and because you already feel guilt naturally you are going to take on the feelings. Please don't. Please stand back, take a deep breath and remember that this is your mom, you love her and you are doing all you can.
will you get time off to devote more energy to caregiving and yourself? Remember that you need care too.... Put on your oxygen mask first, then care for others. Those are easy words yo say, and so hard to do.
send a note and let us know how you are doing.
you are not alone.
best wishes from me to you.
hugs, NatR