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Reply by NatR

28 Aug 2013, 1:31 PM

Thank you very much Tian,
your words matter too, I read your notes to others - very helpful advice given with warmth;)

i forgot to mention that not only does life transitions affect me, but the feeling of burnout continues to affect me. I can't sleep (from so many years in caregiving, doing nights, most recent years listening for my grandchild )

i am trying to go without sleep aids, but then I don't sleep - example last night only 4 hours.
i am however learning to nap. When the fatigue hits me - I try to rest. It's just not my style, I hate to miss anything -

years ago I had an elderly neighbour who stayed awake long into the night. She told me that she didn't want to miss anything - I guess I am like her! Or maybe that's just the norm. The older you get the less you sleep.

i am aware of short term memory issues. I can remember things from years ago, but five minutes ago I can't tell you where I put my glasses!!

this is hard, it makes me feel like a zombie and I lose my confidence. It's day to day stuff but its irritating. Also I can take two hours just to get going in the morning, and sometimes it's noon and I wonder where did the morning go? Is that what I am supposed to let go of? The guilt at wasting time ? When I used to be so efficient - raise kids, work, do everything in the house. Think ahead about birthdays and special events? I give up now, try not to stress, just let it go.

i really appreciate you and everyone giving me support.
i guess I hate to admit I can no longer keep up the pace I was going at.

the last few months of caregiving - I would wake up at 630 (with little sleep) and get my granddaughter fed, dressed and ready for school
Once she was gone ( til 330 pm) I was just dragging - coffee didnt revive me, just felt drained to the bone.
Then in the afternoons I was busy til evening feeding, playing, singing, entertaining or just being nearby as my grandchild had quiet time.

I have great respect for those who are elderly and caring for their spouses - when they have little energy for themselves

it would take me til noon to pull myself together - it's still that way. no longer the Energizer Bunny!

i do walk every day, I keep busy, I am learning to do less and not feel like I have to justify it.
underneath however I still find myself dwelling on - details about my granddaughter, wondering if everyone with her is understanding her, wondering if she's have a good day or bad day.

the hardest part is when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares about needing to rescue my granddaughter, or step in and take care of her routine. I dream about trying to bathe her, move her, be on top of things with her needs - and I wake up feeling like I expended energy!

i feel like I am whining here - my apologies - and I realize it's a negative loop - and it will take time to really move on. It's only been since the end of June - this transition period of no longer thinking about her every need, her meds, her every little thing.

I am going to relax today, I am trying to do things that I haven't had time for. I am very grateful that I have real life and virtual friends who care, thank you;)
NatR

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Reply by Tian

28 Aug 2013, 2:24 PM

Dear Natr

Whining is the last word that came to mind as I read your post. What you describe is perfectly natural after you've had your world turned completely upside down. Of course it's very difficult to regain your bearings. I suspect that if you sleep better a lot of the other problems will be alleviated. But that's a lot easier said than done. There are three things that work best for me. Reading, reading and more reading.

Tian

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Reply by JennJilks

28 Aug 2013, 3:16 PM

Nat,
I've had insomnia for years.
Give yourself permission to sleep when you want, do something when the spirit moves you.

I often listen to podcasts in the dark. Good sleep hygiene practice is helpful, too. I'm sure you know not to have coffee before bed, etc.

That said, I give up on sleep if the negative thoughts start rolling around. I get up, have some water, and listen to a podcast (or4). I know your'e tech savvy and you might enjoy them, if you don't already. I adore This American LIfe. I fight to stay awake and hear the entire show, then collapse in sleep! Political shows might put you to sleep, too. TVO offers some great ones.

You will get back into a circadian rhythm. One that suits you. Give yourself time.
Sleep studies show that we will do so. Expecially if we need not get up and into work, or have obligations.
I do know how you feel, though. There is this huge gap. One wonders one's purpose in lilfe. With peers rising to positions of authority, promotions, great new jobs, I had a lot to deal with. I find value in volunteering.

I spent much time with sleeping pills when I needed them, e.g. when still teaching with caring for my dying mother. If you need them, for now, use them. Now, it's no big deal if I don't sleep.

As Tian wrote, you're not whining.
You need to vent. By giving voice and language to your feelings you heal yourself. There is not question that the research demonstrates this, as well.

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Reply by NatR

29 Aug 2013, 2:15 AM

Thank you Jenn,

your words and advice are appreciated . I do read, listen to podcasts and sometimes it works.
i will keep plugging along

each note on this thread has helped me greatly. I know I am among friends.

best wishes and good evening.
NatR ;)

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Reply by marstin

30 Aug 2013, 3:30 PM

Hi NatR,

What a sweet and kind lady you are. You have been here for so many of us in addition to facing so many challenges in your own life. I believe that we have a purpose in our lifetime and although we are faced with major changes, they are steering us to where we are supposed to be. I don't think you know how admired you are and what a difference you have made in so many lives, mine included.

When you talk about passing that gene down to your granddaughter, I can hear the guilt in your words. Do you blame the person that passed it down to you? I don't believe you would. Your family was gifted with this little girl and she brought you purpose in life. I can't imagine how difficult it is to have to allow strangers to take over on what you have put your heart and soul into. Moving forward is such a difficult thing to do. How have you adjusted to living on your own? As I look ahead to selling my home and having to relocate, I find myself filled with fear of the future and yet a sense of optimism. You come to mind when I look at the transition that will take place and think, NatR did it and is still sounding optimistic so I can do this.

You have left an imprint on each and every person whose life you have touched yet ask so little for yourself. It is your turn, your time to allow others to bring support to you. You are such an inspiration and I know that as you move forward that life will bring many good things to you.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by NatR

31 Aug 2013, 1:17 AM

Tracie,

thank you for writing what you did. I appreciate it greatly.

You are right in that I feel guilty. I know it's nothing I did wrong, but wish I could have saved my granddaughter from this life she has. She is always going to need 24 hour care. She is no different than others who require 24 hour care. I have seen family members in nursing homes - dropping off their spouse or grandparent. They also wring their hands, look stressed, and try to cover details of routines just like I do.

its hard to let go.
But I am trying. It's not easy. I have watched the caregivers do their best and try to fill the gap. I am sure that everything will work out - but in my mind its really hard to stop the routine and responsibility that I had for so long.

i knew it was coming, I tried to mentally and emotionally prepare. I really thought I was doing okay tiil it came to an end. That hit me like a blow to my mind and body. I can imagine that many caregivers do the same thing, struggle with letting go.

Tracie, your words helped, as did all the others who commented.
its really helpful to be able to let it out. Same advice we tell everyone who comes here:).

when I moved here 4 years ago, I left a job, ended a relationship and started over. Yes, I survived - and I can do this too!

i now spend my time keeping busy with friends and crafts, walking, reading and moves. I walk every day - all those years of walking the halls for 8 hrs straight - I got into the habit.

so, I will transition, and so will you. I always expect new opportunities, new experiences, and am always looking around the corner to see what awaits me.

Today is a better day than the last couple of days. I never know when it will overwhelm me. I try to keep focused on positives and keep looking forward - but sometimes it still creeps up on me.

life I find - is a process that we have to be creative to get through. I keep telling people that love makes a difference, but that love also creates pain. We know this from losing our loved ones. This is what I am working through - the loss of connection, interaction, of responses from those loved ones.

my granddaughter is moving on with her life with others supporting her - and I have to accept that.

i appreciate you and all the forum members
together we are stronger - and I am grateful for listening ears and input.
sincerely
NatR

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Reply by ShiningStar

01 Sep 2013, 9:54 PM

I am sending you my best wishes for the new journey. Your grand daughter is so blessed for having you. Keep being the amazing grandma you've been,
ShiningStar

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Reply by NatR

02 Sep 2013, 6:09 PM

Dear Shiningstar,

thank you - everyone has been wonderful in support and insight. Today is a better day for me. I visited my granddaughter yesterday and school starts tomorrow. That is a familiar routine for their, a place she enjoys going. She has friends in her class who read to her, play with her, and aides who know her.

its a routine that will continue til she is 21.

I am appreciative, very, for all of you wonderful people who gave me back some energy and support. This forum is a real two-way street. We all need to lean on each other some days. I am grateful for you all.

thanks so much,
NatR

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Reply by frustrated

03 Sep 2013, 2:45 AM

Dear NatR

You have been such a strong support to so many of us. As a care giver you are always giving and giving, but it is hard to take waht others offer. It has been hard for me to learn to accept and I suspect that it is hard for most care givers.

I had to laugh at you about whinning, that is how I have felt when writing, but you always have made me feel that it is ok, ANd it is ok to acknowledge our feeling and it is good to have those feelings validated by others. You have always done that for others.

As for your grand daughter, there is something so special about being a grandmother. But now instead of being the caregiver grandma, you can be the special grandmother and be the one who can add the little extra to her day that makes her feel special.

It took me eight months after I retired to be able to sit and read a book and not worry about all the things that needed to be done. I can now sleep at night without sleeping pills, I can sit and enjoy the sunrise and sunset. My blood pressure is normal and my stomach doesn't hurt all the time. So just give yourself some time and space and look for things to do that you never thought you would be able to do, try new things, expand you thinking, think out side the box and do something that is out of the ordinary.

You are not alone.

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