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Reply by JennJilks
05 Jan 2015, 1:44 AM


I'm no sure if I can offer any comforting words.
You have to take care of yoruself. Safety is of utmost importance.
This is not who your husband is and I'm sure it is difficult to separate all this out.
My late father had belligerance like this. It wasn't him, though. It was the disease which robbed him of his inhibitions, his common sense.
John must be very angry, but doesn't know why, doesn't understand what is going on, and feels fear. That's why we have professionals to help us in times of need.
Deep breath.
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Reply by Jimmie
07 Jan 2015, 2:14 PM


How are you?

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Reply by Xenia
07 Jan 2015, 3:58 PM

Good Morning All:

Jimmie, I loved the question, How are you?  I am sad, I am crying, I am mixed up.  A week away from our 59th and today I go to the hospital to sign papers to place John in a short term residence until they can find him long term care closer to home.

We had a lot of support from John;s doctor, the palliative nurses and all who have been through this type of episode.  As our dr. told us, many of the employees, hospitalists, case workers, etc. no longer work for the patient, they work for the hospital and that is their job hard as it may seem.  Therefore, when they run into a problem like John;s they all get together to get John back home.

I don;t know if I wrote that Monday they gave us three options, have John more medicated and he could come home and sleep away part of his life till they could find a bed in a residence, hire a nurse 12 hrs a night and finally if the hospital dr and John;s dr. agree send him to the short term care.  

Hospice dr. and her nurse came to hospital yesterday to assess John, he is not a candidate for hospitce yet but agreed John had to beplaced so he would not endanger me, himself or others as he is having problems wandering, anger and wanting to get out of the condo.  Also he is not sleeping much at night.  Call it sundowners or something like that.

Daughtgers are coming to help me at the hospital to sign papers.  Case worker was hard on one of the daughters implying that she was behind the push to get John a bed and we have to realize that once he is in short term care it will take longer to have him placed here in our city.  Apparently, she says, if you come from home you get in faster.  She simply has not taken into account what has transpired and a lot of things I have not spoken about as John was good and quiet but I could see changes happening slowly and then it came to a head.

Thanks to all for your support.  It will be hard but I do believe I am made of sterner stuff and will carry on, have to learn to live alone.  

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Reply by jorola
07 Jan 2015, 7:30 PM

My dear Xenia,

I am so sorry how things have been going for you and John. Your dr and everyone here are so right - you have done an amazing job caring and loving John. I know you may not feel like it but this is true. I am sorry he is having to go into care but it is the best thing for all. Obviously this is very hard on you to be apart from him. Please take care of yourself, ok? Love and hugs to you.

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Reply by oldbat
07 Jan 2015, 7:57 PM

Dear Xenia,

You will never be truly alone.  You have your daughters and their families and there are always (hopefully!) friends.  And, of course, John himself.  Also, as Jimmie expressed so eloquently, there will be angels.  No rushing of wings or halo of light will herald their coming.  They will simply be there, offering kindness, comfort and solace, often in ways, and at times, you least expect.  Welcome them.

BIG hug to you, Xenia.  You are truly a remarkable woman.

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Reply by NatR
08 Jan 2015, 6:05 PM

Dear Xenia and all readers,

its a a really great thing to see the support and kindness rising off the page and lifting our spirits one at a time, or several at a time.

i just wanted to add a word - not nearly as eloquent as jimmie old at and others:) but just a word...to Xenia.

you are far stronger than you realize.  In so many ways you have already been living "alone" even with John at home.  John was Always there for you  - but in earlier times.  You have been there for him for a long time now. and you have been alone and although it not a nice word you have carried the Burden of caregiving basically alone with family support.

you will need time to realize it, to grieve the separation, to deal with john being elsewhere and cared for - but you are a strong and spirited woman with faith, love and commitment

I want you to know that one day - you will realize how much more you can do and support John, and also to take care of yourself.

if I could I would give you a  big hug and share a cup of tea...and tell you how inspiring you are to this group.

sent with my best wishes Xenia.
xx NatR 
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Reply by Xenia
11 Jan 2015, 12:55 AM

To all my Friends on Virtual Hospice:

I am sad to let you know John passed away this morning at 10:00 a.m.  He died peacefully with my daughters at his side.  

John had a stroke last nite and we were at his bedside most of the nite and I went home to sleep waiting to go about 11:00 am.  He died peacefully after such a long fight with his illness and we thank our Higher Power that he was taken quickly and not suffer with the stroke.

The doctor and nurses tell us we were blessed as when we got to his bed yesterday about 8:00 a.m we were told he would not see us, etc etc and so it was for a number of hours then all of a sudden he started to move, became agitated was given hydromorphone by needle and settled down.  Then wonder upon wonder he opened his eyes and smiled.  I asked him if he knew who I was, yes, you are my wife, Mooch, he calls me this as a term of enderment...long story there, kissed the daughters, smiled, looked like he was reaching for things in the air and we waited till he slept and went home.

We are heartbroken but know he is at peace and the care given him made it easier as I brought a soft blanket for him when he was sitting in his chair, suggested by my daughter, the nurse who laid him in his bed after the stroke, brushed his hair, put on a new nightie, made the bed and placed the blanket on top.  Just as if he was home in his bed,  How wonderful and thankful for that bit of compassion.

All for now, we are preparing for a family get together later in the week, now we wait and try to get some rest.  Thanks for your support.

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Reply by Nouce
11 Jan 2015, 1:02 AM

Thoughts, and candles, and wishes for peace and rest amid the grief, Xenia. You are a woman of valor, and John left you knowing that.


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Reply by NatR
11 Jan 2015, 1:11 AM

my dear Xenia,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.  I am glad that John was with family and was comforted and passed easily.  I cannot say how very sad I am - and I know this will leave a huge hole in your life.

I hope you will know that you did everything you could and you did keep John at home for as long as you possibly could

It is appreciated that you were able to let us know
My sincere condolences...may you find peace and comfort knowing John is at rest.
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Reply by oldbat
11 Jan 2015, 1:54 AM

Dear Xenia,

I, too, am so, so sorry to hear the sad news about John.  You did everything humanly possible to make sure he was at peace and comfortable and certainly knew how well he was loved before he died.    How wonderful that, at the end, he came back into himself and was able to show his great love for you.

Rest now, Xenia.  As I said before, rest content in the loving kindness of your family and friends. 

Candles, prayers and kind thoughts surround me as I write this, all there to send some peace and contentment your way.


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