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Reply by AdoptedSon
11 Jan 2015, 4:08 AM


You are a brave and wonderful person, may you have some rest and be secure in the knowledge that you did all you could, and that at the end, you had that one moment of clarity, to cherish forever more.

Peace be with you and your family.

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Reply by jorola
11 Jan 2015, 4:44 AM

Dear sweet Xenia,

I am so sorry to hear of John's passing. I am very happy your last moments with him were peaceful and loving. You were a loving, tender wife who gave your all and John knew that. I am sure he would want you to take care of yourself now. We are all here for you and care for you.

Hugs ,peace and strength my friend,

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Reply by JennJilks
11 Jan 2015, 6:42 PM

What an amazingly poignant last memory! Treasure it, hold fast to all the good times.
My deepest condolences. 
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Reply by Jimmie
12 Jan 2015, 12:53 AM

Dear Xenia:

I am saddened by your husband's death.  It was not the news I expected to read when I opened your email.  It seemed, in spite of all his difficulties of late, to be too soon, too sudden.

Like others have already written, I was deeply moved by his final gifts to you and your family. I don't know how to explain such moments of clarity and tenderness after days  of confusion and emotional turmoil.  There is something of the miraculous in such tender parting gestures.

I hope those gifts your husband gave to you may be of consolation in the days ahead. May they help to light your way.  May they comfort you just as the familiar blanket you brought to the hospital comforted him.

Our lives are preserved and saved through such moments of tenderness.  There are no better gifts to give, or to receive. 

Take care of yourself and of your family, and let others take care of you.  They are acting on John's behalf.

With affection -

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Reply by Xenia
13 Jan 2015, 5:45 AM

Dear Friends:

Time is a great healer, even if it is only a few days I have found peace within myself and have allowed myself to cry, to grief and to laugh.  Laugh, yes, as I recall little things that happened in the past few days.  How, we were sure John was going to be up and having breakfast Saturday morning as the nurse told us John is strong.

Realizing that John's spirit was so strong that he was strong enough to smile and have a little sort of laugh on his face when I, as I now can think properly and recall the moments at the hospital when we were advised that John would not recognize us, etc.  His stroke was bad and yet he opened his eyes and smiled and I asked him do you know who I am, yes, I forgot to mention this, you are my wife, moochie--my sweetheart.  The daughters bent over him and kissed him, he gave our son a sort of hi five and was a bit agitated, in pain so the nurse gave him more hydromorphone.

We waited and left as he became more calm, telling ourselves, Dad is going to pull out of this one too and scare the living day lights out of the doctors and us again.  He'll be having breakfast when we get back to the hospital in the morning.

Morning came and the two daughters went to the hospital and he as not having breakfast, he was sleeping and his kidneys were not working so they prepared him while the girls went and cleaned up the small room where we would meet in an hour.  When they came back about 10 minutes later, John passed and his journey to a new life began and we bid him goodbye.  I eas not there as I had planned to come later as I didn't sleep most of the night.  Our son in law came from Vancouver to our city to tell me dad had passed and was taking me to the hospital.  We live 30 minutes from Vancouver, if the bridges aren't clogged.  

We are doing fine, our grandson is taking it hard, 28 years old and he had a special relationship with his grandpa, at this time he is inconsoluable so his dad is helping him at this time as is his girlfriend, Cori,This has been the first death in our family so it is traumatic to him and we love Tyler very much.  He was all of our baby as his mother, our daughter, nearly died delivering him, she had a bad blood clot so while she lay in hospital, myself and the 2 daughtgers cared for him while dad worked.

I thank my higher power for all the strength I get from all of you on this message board.  Like the song says: You raise me Up.  I go to the computer, listen to some music have a cry, read the messages and gain more strength and carry on.  I know it will be difficult as I do miss John very much.  We are having a small get together at our daughter's home on Saturday, and we are having an anniversary cake for the 59 years John and I were married but just didn;t quite make it together.  January 15th, 1956 was a very snowy day in Regina, sAskatchewan.  Everyone wanted to know why we wanted to get married in the Winter.  Young Love, 'eh.  Trains were snowed in, we nearly flew down the stairs of the church but I guess it was to be and we weathered that storm and some of the storms of our lives but we stayed together through thick and thin and as I used to ask John at night as we prepared for sleep; John, do you love me, and he would reply..NOOO, and I would reply I would have been scared if you said yes, so the nights went him saying no and me knowing he did.

Enough of this love story.  It is getting late and I am feeling tired so off I go.  Take care and be good to yourselves .

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Reply by NatR
13 Jan 2015, 10:49 AM

Dear Xenia 

what at a lovely note - as I am awake at 530 am, checking my email...I was so glad to read your note, so glad to hear the details and the little moments you will keep forever.

i know there will be hard days, hard hours but you are supported and thought about from afar.
i am sad to hear about your grandson...it's so difficult - but it sounds like he has lots of support and love from you all.  love hurts when you lose someone precious...and as I hear so often...it's part of the price we pay for having that wonderful relationship.

xenia you have certainly touched my life as I read your notes over the past months.  I hope you will stay connected with the forum and continue to share your wisdom with others.  You have a way with words..you were a wonderful wife and john was a good and loving husband.

through this thread so many shared their stories and encouragements too...you are all appreciated.
wishing you Xenia a happy anniversary as you celebrate the marriage that started in the cold winter and filled your life with warmth love and family,

my my warmest wishes to you Xenia.
hugs natR
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Reply by JennJilks
13 Jan 2015, 12:08 PM

You are a strong woman. You sound wonderful. Your family, hwom you have nurtured, will now nurture you. You can reach out to your grandson, who will learn something about grieving, mourning and bereavement from you. You know how to do this, as there isn't any right or wrong. It's complicated, but very simple.
We are proud of you. 
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Reply by frustrated
13 Jan 2015, 4:00 PM

What a wonderful tribute to a long ans successful marrage and lasting love. May you have peace and reast in the coming days. You are an inspiration.
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Reply by KathCull_admin
15 Jan 2015, 9:32 PM

Dear Xenia
Thinking about you today.   "We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten." Cesare Pavese. 
With much warmth
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Reply by frustrated
16 Jan 2015, 3:20 AM

Dear friends,

There has been so much pain lately I almost feel guilty sharing more, but I know that is what this chat line is about.

My husband's dementia has gotten worse to the point where they have had to medicate him to calm his aggresion and anxiety. His edema has gotten worse to the pont where his feet are so bad he can't walk on them. Yesterday I got a call in the morning that he was running a fever and was not responding. So he is now on pallative care. They put a port in so he can get pain shots. He didn't eat or drink all day yesterday and was unresponive.

The dr. said he as "actively dying", to me that is an oxymoron. I didn't get to talk to the Dr. directly, but it is day to day now.

Today he was responsive and recognized me and could answer simple questions. He did eat some soft foods and drank some. He was very aggitated all day and restless movements. He is fighting to stay alive even as his body is shutting down. HIs mind was not working as when he was awake he most of what he would say didn't make any sense.

All four kids have been in an out. I have spent most of the last two days holding his hand and just  being there. I didn't sleep much last night, but decided tonight I would come home early and hopefully will get some sleep. 

Thanks for listening.
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