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Reply by oldbat
29 Jan 2015, 10:35 PM

Ooops, sorry NatR, it was YOU who wrote that lovely letter.

Brain-damaged oldbat
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Reply by Xenia
30 Jan 2015, 5:07 PM

Dear Nat and Old Bat and All"

Thank you so very much for your comforting and caring words.  I am fortunate to have all of you in my life even though we have never met it seems we have been friends for a long time.  Distance really doesn;t matter when friendship and caring people support each other.

Well, I did get the soup made, I don;t know if I call it soup, or stoup or vegetable stew.  I cleaned out the fridge of all the veggies I had and even ventured to throw in a half bag of some kind of salad my health concsious daughter had brought me.  It is loaded with kale brocolli, on and on and then I added the rest.  Goood and hearty believe me and I have enough for 4 meals.  At least I recycled and am enjoying my results.

My journey with John's dying or do we call it passing (where did he pass to ) has its ups and downs.  Last night I lay in bed thinking : John was 86, he lived a good life, then I thought what the hey, these are the same words I have given to others.  Your husband lived long and had a good life.  

Yes, but he was my husband, he was your husband, your dad, grandfather, friend or buddy.  Just because they were or are aged does not mean their death is any less important to the family.  The saying of not knowing what things are till you walk in their mocassins sure came home to roost with me.  Words, intended to be comforting are often misunderstood until one has the same situation in place.

Yes, John was 86 but we lived together for 59 years, we laughed, we fought, we cried, we travelled, we loved each other and we spoke of death and our fears and our wishes.  The sharing of our wishes got harder to take when John would tell me he was dying, he seemed to know as he would say "I am going"  "Where" I would ask.  You know he would reply, I do believe he understood the changes in his body and mind many months ahead of the actual death.  He told me he wasn;t afraid but  he would miss me, the kids and Tyler's wedding.  

I do miss him dearly as we were not apart for many days when he became palliative and I was his principal care giver.  Now I wander around, trying to keep above my wanting to be normal.  Normal, what a word, I want to go back to before his illness, I want to be able to talk to him, I want...I want...like a child I want but I do not know what I really want.

I know it is time to grieve and allowing myself to do so is hard as I have been the strong one, yeah, I put all the problems aside and cleaned them up and then I took time to reflect and say "well we got through this one".  This time there is no cleaning up, reality is telling me John has died...you are alive and need to go on.  So I try each day since his death to do something to help me through the day.

Enough of this pity potting.  Old Bat...sure want to call you Old Bag for some reason...lol.  A lot of the work done in my last posting was only possible because of my children, daughter who helped fill out the papers, son who chauffered me around, another daughter whose husband helped with the cremation items, the 3rd daughter being my anchor and capitan or kapppitan as we call her directing the whole time.

Thanks again for allowing me to share and get my feelings out and know friends will not judge one way or another and let me grieve my way even if it does not fit the idea of what proper grieving should be.

Take Cae

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Reply by oldbat
30 Jan 2015, 6:15 PM

Dear Xenia,

What a wonderful testament to your life with John.  I'm sure there were tough times but, by your own admission, you got through them together.  Bravo to you both.  I hope I can say the same when Karl goes, but maybe I'll go first!

Keep doing what you're doing, Xenia, it's so obviously right for you.  And keep us informed as you go ... bad days or good ... we're always her to listen and share.

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Reply by Nouce
30 Jan 2015, 6:25 PM

Dear friends,

I listen to you with care and gratitude; I think ahead to my own facing of the realities you are  now facing, Xenia. I have no study space at home now, because of all the furniture changes, and sometimes I resent that. But I know when Pablo is gone I will miss all the ways he was prersent. I don't know where we are in the journey, but as he is spending more and more time sleeping, in some ways he is already gone a lot. I love you for sharing, and hold out my hand of friendship and thanks, as you each walk your path of grief and growth.






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Reply by oldbat
30 Jan 2015, 7:19 PM

Dear Nouce,

I know just how you are feeling.  Karl spends a great deal of time sleeping now and has done for the past couple of months.  I was visiting with him yesterday and, after lunch, he fell asleep for two hours holding my hand.  There is comfort in just that simple connection.  I'm sure you find that with Pablo, too.

Know that you are surrounded with love, care and appreciation,


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Reply by NatR
30 Jan 2015, 9:51 PM

Hello to you all
to each Oldbat, OldBag;), Xenia, Nouce, jim? Who did I forget?

as I end my day with brilliant Sunshine but bitter cold - it warms my heart to check the notes, to listen in - like an extra ear on the old "party line phones " finding out how my neighbours are faring.

it is just a group of understanding friends sharing the hardest part of living - which is the ending - we don't quite know how it feels so we listen to each story and store the information away - til we need it.

its kind of like a course on surviving, living, honouring our loved ones, figuring how to go on alone.

anyway my sentences get longer and longer!
just wanted to say Thanks! For letting me listen in, smell the soup cooking, see the view you describe, feel the hand held for two hours!

what lovely and what loving things are said here.  
 Have a good weekend and remember - one day at a time;)
hugs and warm thoughts to each one...
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Reply by KathCull_admin
31 Jan 2015, 12:25 AM

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for sharing your words and thoughts. Such rich words…. They teach, support, comfort, and heal.

VJ/Frustrated and Jorola, I have been thinking about you.


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Reply by oldbat
31 Jan 2015, 12:39 AM

A special shout-out to Jim:

I know I speak for us all, for all those caring hearts and souls here, when I say that you are sadly missed.  Your warmth and wit, your brilliant, evocative prose, your constant kindness are all definitely missed.

We guess you're probably taking a much-needed and deserved time-out, Jimmie, but I for one, didn't want you to feel that we are oblivious to the tough times you must be going through.  We think about you, care about you and so look forward to reconnecting with you - only as and when you're ready.

Here's a BIG cyber-hug from one silly oldbat!

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Reply by frustrated
31 Jan 2015, 6:13 AM

Hello Katherine,
I am here, I read the posts, but it is hard for me to put my thoughts together, let a lone try to put anyhting in words. My hiusbnd is still hanging on, he is on pallative are , and the Dr's are surprised that he is still here. He is in a semi-coma most days, but then rallies and is alert, then slips back again. Up and down like a rollercoaster. Somedays he eats, somedays he doesn't. SOme days he knows me some days he doesn't.

I haven't been sleeping much, when i close my eyes I see him lying there unable to do anything but breath. I wait for the phone to ring. There is no hope, just the hanging on.

I cry, I hurt and try to keep it together for the kids. It is so hard on them. So that is where I am.
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Reply by Xenia
31 Jan 2015, 5:35 PM

Goodd Morning VJ and All:

Dear VJ, I read your email and I share your pain and frustration.  I too went through the waiting during my husband John's illness.

I contacted the professionals on this format and was given much good information regarding his illness.  The hardest part was knowing John was going to die and yet the time frame given seemed to go on and on.  Watching and waiting became ardous and I began to wonder when will all this end.  Contacting the professionals and talking to our home care palliative nurses and our good doctor, who visited the home, I was able to get through 18 months of John's on and off again days.  Like you the waiting is tremondously hard, first we are prepared for the passing then we are elated when they rallie.  The ups and downs of elation and frustration and fear become almost toomuch to take in.

I had to learn that there is nothing predictable with John's condition and learn to take it one day at a time.  Like you I would half sleep, walk around in a fog and wonder when will it be.   I presume that your husband is in hospital (or hospitce) as you wait for the phone to ring.  John was at home with me for palliative care and I was with him constantly and when he became too confused and ill he was in hospital for a week or so before he passed.  

So dear friend, take solice in knowing he is in good hands, being cared for and that your love for him will supercede all the uncertanty you are now going through.

I miss John very much, as you will miss your partner.  Little thngs will remind you of him as I was reminded and brought to tears last night.  John passed away 20 days ago so I am still reeling from his passing but went to a Legion Women's Auxiliary dinner,  I was not aware there was going to be music and dancing.  The old time way, acordian and an electric piano.  The old tunes John loved to dance to and the old songs we used to listen to.

I watched as older couples danced, watched my friend and her partner dance and I could visiualize John dancing as he loved to dance.  He loved to jive and jitterbug and all the tangos and waltzes were his forte.  I watched and it broke my heart but as with all who have lost loved ones I swalloed hard, tears were wiped away and I shared these moments quietly remembering John and his love for dance and that even when he couldn't dance anymore his feet would tap or move about when he was able to sit in his recliner listening to dance music when it came on the TV or radio.

I cannot assure you that things will get easier for you but I can from experience tell you that being on this format sharing your fears and tears daily life becomes a bit easier as there are so many friends here that helped me get through each day, just reading their messages even when I could not write.  I am sure you will find comfort from the messages and help to get you through some tough times.

Take care and keep in touch and yes, Jimmie, I too miss you and wonder where you are and when you will return with your wonderful view of life and your wonderful words.

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