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Reply by KathCull_admin
10 Mar 2015, 5:41 PM

Dear Oldbat,
I would be scared too.  To inform or not to inform - either will be hard. I have no advice - just an approach I once heard.

"If you had in your pocket, a note written by your husband and it outlined what they would like you to do in a situation like this - what do you think the note would say?"

Not sure if that helps but I sure am hoping for strength for you as you decide.

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Reply by Xenia
10 Mar 2015, 6:01 PM

Good Morning All:

Old Bat, I had started a reply to you then somehow lost it.  Computer, or me.

As Katherine said it is a most difficult time for you, however, I too would suggest that you are scared and at this time not sure of what to do.  The daughters need to know as Karl is their father and when the time is right you will decide what to do.  I have no insight into this, however, I had to let my mother in law know that her son John had a heart attack some number of years ago and was not expected to live, so hard as it was I told her and this was by telephone and she was elderly.  John pulled through and as would have it he continued to have many health and heart issues but we felt relieved that we had told her and had a clear conscience in case John passed away and she was not aware of the circumstances.  I will keep you in mind and prayers that you and the doctor will come up with the right time and thing to do.

To-day is a better day for me, why, my friend came down from Kelowna, the fruit belt of b.c.  We had a pizza party last night, another friend came as well.  We laughed, shed a few tears and the night went well with friendship.  To-day, this afternoon we are going to a movie and my daughters called to see how we were doing.  They appreciate the good times we have with friends and just called to make sure we kept on the straight and narrow.  Now what would 3 widows do?

It has been a foggy day so getting out will be great, if the sun comes out we will enjoy that when we head for home.  I have been writing and composing letters to our MPs etc.  Nat. I am writing Charlie Angus at the moment and sending him much of the info I have gleaned about palliaitve, hospice and care and hope he will influence other members of parliament to get on with funding and getting the palliative program into effect.

All for now.

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Reply by oldbat
10 Mar 2015, 7:25 PM

Hi Katherine and Xenia,

Thank you so much for addresssing my concerns.  I did e-mail both Karl's  daughters, separately, and am waiting for replies.  My major worry is the older one.  I'm scared she will jackboot her way into his room and start lecturing him about what he can't or shouldn't do.  She is extremely controlling and always assumes she knows what's best. 

I definitely do not want Karl to know about this diagonosis.  He is reasonably happy and content right now, and this knowledge would just devastate him and make him acutely anxious.  Something I want to avoid at all costs.  His doctor and I agreed that "watch and wait" is the best course of action now, and I'll adhere to that.  Unless and until daughter #1 bulldozes her way in.

Now I'm concerned about his botox shots.  Will he still be able to have them?  Wouldn't they be risky, given that the aneurysm is in the thigh of his paralyzed leg  where he gets them? He lives for them.  And I really don't know what I'd tell him if they have to be stopped.

The doctor also said that if, if, if the aneurysm breaks off - or whatever it is that they do - he would die.  But his death would be fast and easy.  He would just go from one minute to the next.  That would definitely preferable to lingering with excruciating pain, which is how he'd be without the botox.

What to do?  What to do?  I'm sure that I will discover or be given answers to these and other questions, but getting there is not half the fun!

Thank you so much for listening,

worried oldbat
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Reply by AdoptedSon
10 Mar 2015, 9:45 PM

I think that telling them was right.  I remember when my Aunt was taken to hospital, and no one told us. She was Mom's sister, and she died from an anuyerism, while in Hospital.   Mom was devastated, it coming as a total shock to her, not even knowing she had been sick, let alone in such a condition.

Even when her time was drawing close, she still felt angry, hurt at how they had ignored telling her, reminding me to make sure I let my Cousin know, when her time came.

To be blunt, it pissed me off too, to have to calm her down, years, and I mean years, after the fact.

So for me, you did the right thing, and if she does try to bulldoze in, well ban her from the room. But that is just me being an ass.  It infuriates me really, at how some suddenly show up to tell us what we should or shouldn't do in caring for a loved one, while they are rarely around when the commode needs emptying, or one has to try to figure out how to pay for the weeks meds, that Pharmacare doesnt cover.

Anyhow, take care, try to stay calm and if you need to vent, let loose, whether to the four walls, or here.  Its good to release when you need to.

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Reply by Jimmie
10 Mar 2015, 10:32 PM

Dear friend:

What a difficult, crushing situation for you and Karl!

I think, as others have suggested, you were correct to tell the daughters about this significant  development - in spite of your obvious and understandable anxieties. I also appreciate your decision to keep this new development from Karl given your expectation of how he would react to such news.  What a difficult, difficult time.

I wish we could all be there beside you to provide comfort and support. It is the loving presence of another that brings the deepest consolation. I hope you have such a person to lean on throughout these difficult times.  

With great respect and affection -


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Reply by Nouce
10 Mar 2015, 11:23 PM

Dear Oldbat,
     I agree with the others that you were right to inform Karl's daughters. I also understand in my gut the worried, anxious feeling waiting to see when and how the children will respond, as that's very much part of my current realityeven in a situation less drastic than yours. I will light a candle for a peaceful response that somehow understands Karl's needs and you as a real person on the "front line."

Much love,
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Reply by oldbat
11 Mar 2015, 6:23 PM

Dear all,

Can't express what your messages meant to me yesterday.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Today I'm in pretty rough shape too.  Saw the lawyer at the legal clinic last night and came home with some very worrying news:  Karl's first wife may be entitled to half the pittance I will receive from his CPP when/if he dies before me.  And right now, I really would just like to do just that!  I'm so tired of being his wife, his care-giver, his lawyer/banker/accountant/administrator/whatever, whatever + general factotum with no help whatsoever.  Lawyer does believe I may be  entitled to claim from his company, which daughter #1 has simply co-opted, without paying a cent of the commission percentage she promised initially. She paid for part of the first year, and that was that.  So, in addition to looking for his divorce papers to see what they agreed to (hah! his ex got all the proceeds from the house while I propped up his company financially) in terms of CPP etc., I now have to do a search for the incoroporation papers for both his and said daugter's companies, to find out I don't know what!!!   Mind a total blank.

Sorry, have to go and lie down.

distraught oldbat
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Reply by Xenia
18 Mar 2015, 6:08 PM

Good Morning All:

Been a few days since I was on line.  Old bat sure hope you have resolved some of your problems reKarl and his ex.  The things we find out when we are facing the passing of a loved one.  I certainly realized that I knew zilch about the income tax, widow's pension, death benefit etc and how long all this takes.

I just returned from my 3 day excursion to Las Vegas, impressed, somewhat at the Grandieur and most of all "How fast my money went".  The daughters who took me to Vegas for my birthday which is in April felt I should see Vegas once in my lifetime and I do believe that is enough.  Had a great time and of course they made my life much easier as they insisted and I kept declining  on getting a wheel chair.  They won and I was glad.  My old body sure would not have been able to get to all the places we visited and spent a few hours here and there.  Most impressive as the Wynn with all the flowers, etc.  We had a great number of laughs and they kept kidding me about how sure I was about being able to walk around.  Got home 45 minutes earlier as we had good weather, guess the tail wind was pushing us and everyone seemed to be glad to get home, most of the passengers were Canadian, spring break and needed somewhere to spend their money and help with the American economy. lol.

My bud Doris looked after the condo when I was away and it was great to have her here as the condo sure doesn't feel as lonely these past two weeks.  She leaves to-morrow evening to spend some time with our other friend then back home on Sunday.  Travelling by bus (Greyhound) is like flying.  Have to make your reservations etc.  I think I will never get used to the modern ideas floating around now.

I read the messages and share the pain and loneliness of our friends.  I still see John in the house, like this a.m. when I picked up the nail file he used to use.  See him using it and wondered why it was still left behind, then I went into the closets and found his shoes, slippers, sweaters, etc.  All I thought I had bundled up and sent out.  Freudian slip, wanting to keep memories?

With summer on its' way I have mixed feelings of how I will spend the time.  Need to look at what is available for me, should I travel to see some of our family or as I keep thinking, the time will be right when I make up my mind.  Cannot jump ahead as like we hear.  Man plans and God laughs.

Picked up my knitting again since Doris does some great knitting.  My knitting is just plain Aids vests for babie and children in Africa.  Just a square with a hole in it for their heads and sewen up the sides.  Apparently it gets very cold at night and the babies need warm clothes so this fits best. I make them for a non profit group called Canadian Food for Children.  This is one group that is very helpful and much of the items are greatly appreciated.  They pick up bedding from hotels and hospitals that we do not find useable, they are washed and packed in the banana boxes, flour and dried beans and rice are packed in pillow cases into the wine boxes (the big square ones with a plastic insert for the wine) as if they put the flour into plastic bags etc it molds so everything is reusable.  So for me I do a good deed by knitting and it keeps my hands and mind off my troubles. 

Hear my dryer calling me so all for now.  Take care.

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Reply by NatR
22 Mar 2015, 4:22 PM

Hello Xenia,

Glad to hear you had a good trip to Vegas...as you said, once can be enough sometimes;)
But still there are things you will remember doing and especially the time with your daughters.

Your letters are easy to read and it gives a great picture of the way your mind works, finding things of Johns, trying to build new routines, falling into thoughts of the past.  Its all a process for sure.  I am sure that others will find your words helpful too.

The idea about knitting and being busy to help others - does help fill the time, and give a feeling of contribution to those in other countries who need help and warm things to cover them.  Good for you - there are lots of ways to help others...and at the same time help yourself keep from dwelling too long on painful memories.

I know your John loved you and you gave him the best of you:)
What a great example for your family, for all of us.  I appreciate your story and your posts a lot.
Keep going, keep busy and keep taking care of you:)
Much love and thoughts from freezing cold northern Ontario.  Can not believe how cold it still is on March 22!  It is -21 with the windchill...and snowing lightly.
Sigh...where are you Spring?
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Reply by Xenia
25 Mar 2015, 8:54 PM

Greetings to all friends on this message board:

I miss you all, where have you been.  I am selfish as I turn to this board so many times to lifet up my spirits and being remiss in not messaging I had to turn to you to-day as I am so weepy and sad.

I have had to go through some old files and papers and among them I found some appropirate quotations I seem to keep in case I can use them some day.  To-day the most appropriate quote was:  " Socrates wept for his dead son and a friend said:
"Why do you Weep? Nothing can bring him back"  Socrates had replied: "This is why I weep".

This is how I feel to-day.  My weeping will not bring John back and I am finally realizing that he is  really gone and nothing will be the same.  The first few weeks I was too numb to recognize much.  Then time took care of all the things that had to be done after his passing.  Busy and now that all the bookwork is done, the cleaning out closets and removing items no longer needed, walkers put into storage, etc. etc.  Now the memories seem to come flooding back.

It is amazing what one goes through.  Bravery, understanding and all the many thought patterns I have gone through in the past 2 and 1/2 months show that one really does not know how one would deal with a loss of a loved one.  I now understand the words that friends say in trying to comfort me : It will get better as time goes on" is something that one deals with personally.  Time may be a great healer and I need to heal but does it have to be so painful?  Where is that person I thought I knew and was able to deal with much of what life handed her?

The counselor from our Hospice told me that I may need help later on after John's passing and I do believe now that she was telling me to be aware of my feelings and that I would go through many changes and it is happening.  However, rereading all the messages on this board I am able to get through each day knowing there are others who have been going through the same changes I am now going through.  

Thank You all for being a great Virtual Friend.  

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