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Reply by AdoptedSon
15 Jun 2015, 3:06 AM

That is okay OldBat, I managed to make up for it, by having a double helping of Cadbury Milk Chocolate spread, that I picked up from the local UK Food store.  Sorry, but I even licked the spoon twice but then, you are chocolated out, so all is good.   I did manage to save some though for Xenia.
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Reply by NatR
15 Jun 2015, 4:01 AM

They even have chocolate peanut butter in the stores now! 
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Reply by AdoptedSon
15 Jun 2015, 4:21 AM

Yes, but have you seen the Bacon Jam yet?  Seriously, bacon jam, not sure if I love bacon that much. LOL
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Reply by NatR
15 Jun 2015, 4:30 AM

i have however heard of chocolate covered bacon
not sure either one of those combinations are for me....just plain chocolate works fine!  
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Reply by Xenia
15 Jun 2015, 4:08 PM

Good Morning All:

Thank you for your support and understanding.  This helped me through the day and Gayle called later in the evening and she seems to have settled down after she had a good afternoon sleep.  We may talk about this sometime in the future or else just let it go as she may have resolved the very unhappy death of her friend and somehow tied it into her father's death.  All in all we look forward to understanding each other and how we respond to critical times in our lives.

Regarding the chocolate:  Yes, I would love to eat it if it was wrapped around a dill pickle. I am not a sweet eater, love lemons and sour stuff and occassionaly chocolate.  Bacon jam seems to be the latest invention and I see it being sold in the grocery aisle, as yet I am not into it, perhaps at another time in my shopping sprees.

I did do something to brighten my spirits after the talk with Daughter Gayle, went out with my daughter Carole who lives in our city and we went to White rock, beautiful place on the Pacific Ocean, walked the boardwalk and then to the mall, walked past Merle Norman (for the men on the message board...a place where you can get your make up put on, manurcures, etc etc.) and I stopped.  They pierce ears, yes, I was going to have my ears repierced a few years ago as I stopped wearing ear rings caring for John, went in and voila, I have repierced ears.  My daughter, Gayle who I spoke to above, called later in the evening and when I told her what I had done she was exstatic (how ever you spell it) as I had been wanting to do this for years...she said 25, not really and at last you did it.  Now, you will wear dangling ear rings, Mom, no way.  I shall retain my decorum and still be mom who wears proper ear rings...whatever they are. Actually wear the ones the kids have brought to me as gifts on their trips to France, Italy, the Caribean, etc which lay in the jewel box, (old cardboard box) for decades.  So the change begins.

Off to the pool this afternoon, need to get some exercise.  Tomorrow is the Legion Ladies Auxiliary final meeting for the season and we are having our annual lunch.  Lots of excietment there.

To all, Thanks again for the uplifting messages.  I appreciate it very much.


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Reply by Xenia
20 Jun 2015, 10:00 PM

Hello Friends:

It has been a while since I sat down and wrote and to-day I am writing as for the most of the morning and into the afternoon a humming bird, same one I think as it is so small, keeps coming to the feeder and somehow I wonder if that is John sending me messages that I should not feel so sad and shedding tears like I have not in the 4 months since John has died.  John used to sit in his chair and tell me the hummingbirds were at the feeder again and again and I would run, for an old lady, fast walk, to the sliding door and no there were no hummingbirds.  They of course had fed and flew away.  Now I see them and do the same thing with my children when they are visiting.  The humming birds are here and by the time they get to the glass door, the birds are away.

On PBS to-day there was a tribute to Mary, of Peter, Paul and Mary and Peter and Paul sang "Sweet Survivor".  What a song.  I went to goggle and brought up the words, how thoughtful and wonderful.

I was told by the Hospice worker that I may feel worse about John's death later on than at the begging as I was steeled for it and somehow carried on without too many tears, etc. yet now I seem to let the tears flow from certain things such as I looked at John;s hair brush in our bathroom, I had not washed it when John passed and yesterday I took it out of the basket and washed it.  Crying, today watching the hummingbirds brought back all the days we sat on the patio watching the birds in the koi pond,watching the gulls sweeping overhead, the crackling of the ravens and crows, the fountains gushing up and down and now I sit alone looking at the empty swing chair John loved to sit on and watch the green space below.  Me singing to him, yes in my croaky voice I would pick a word and remember a song to it.  We would laugh, I would bring him his meds and cold lemonade and we would sit until it began to get too cool to sit outside in the evening.  How I miss those days.  I want John back but to no avail, he is gone.

In October we are flying to Windsor and I will be bringing some of John's ashes to be placed with his parents.  He began his life there and left early in life and perhaps this will bring some closure to me by sharing him with his parents and sister once again.

I miss all of you and had to write about my sorrow, seems a bit selfish but I am lonely to-day, probably a bit depressed as well so forgive me if I sound maudlin and know you will understand.

Hugs to all.


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Reply by NatR
20 Jun 2015, 11:32 PM

Hello Xenia,

i am am sorry to read that you are feeling so sad today.  You have a really great way of writing all your thoughts and feelings.

i am glad you are remembering the shared times and glad you still have the hummingbirds to watch.  They are fast and hard to keep our eyes on them.

glad also that you have hospice support ams advice -  it helps to know you are going through the stages of grief - and that you are dealing with all the feelings. 

today day is a cool and rainy day in Ontario - it's like Mother Nature is weeping along with you:(
i hope it helps you - sharing it all with us.  It has to be better than feeling alone.

you know  John was lucky to have you all those years - and I am glad you have all the memories to remember ..
it will maybe help you feel more closure to leave some ashes  with Johns parents / what a nice idea.
i am sure you will cry but I think you will feel that you brought John "home" to his parents.

wishing you a good evening
it is fathers day tomorrow and I know your children will be thinking of their dad.

hand in there ;)
hugs NatR  
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Reply by oldbat
20 Jun 2015, 11:35 PM

Dear Xenia,

I'm sad that you are sad.  But I am also glad that you can come here and tell us about it.  Hopefully that helps you a little.  It also helps us.

I know just how hard it must be to move forward without John.  And, your therpist was right:  you start out feeling strong ... and then the tears come.  A waterfall of them.  Grief washes over you like a great tidal wave.  But waves do recede.  So for a little while you'll be spared the tsunami of grief.  And, I've been told, with time the tsunami turns into a little wave that will curl and froth at your feet.  You will think of John always.  But sometimes, as you've found, nature will cast a net of peace over you and you can enjoy the happy memories you made together.

Take heart, you're among friends.


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Reply by KathCull_admin
20 Jun 2015, 11:47 PM

How comforting all your words are.

Xenia as you remember the life you had with John - all those small thinga that really make up life - and your great love,
NatR as you write that even Mother Nature shares our grief,

Oldbat your description of the tsunami moving to a little wave.

Beautiful words. 

Thank you
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Reply by Xenia
21 Jun 2015, 5:44 PM

Good Morning Nat, OldBat,Katherine and all:

Thank you for the support.  Time changes so much and to-day being Father's Day another change in mine and our children's lives.  No Father's Day luncheon, no laughing at Dad's jokes and his memories of working on the carnival, etc.  We treasure the Father's Days we had with him and remember them well.

A while back Jimmie wrote about the Inuit stones piled on top of each other to let others know they had been there and where they were going.  Ian, wrote about this as well and how wonderful to know that we are going on a journey.

To-day I sat on the patio and sure enough the hummingbirds kept going to the sugar feeder, some sat for a long time drinking and not paying attention to me while I sat reading another book.  There was a paragraph about a detective who was trying to solve a case.  He lived in Quebec and as he pondered the disappearance of his friend he thought to himself>  These pictures aren't close to an end.  These are a beginning.

"The Inuit used to erect stone men as a navigation tool, to mark their path. To point outwhere they were going and where they had been.  The way forward and the way home.  Inuksuit, they were called.  Literally a substitue for a man. "

As Jimmie stated our memories are like the Inuksuit and as I read this in my book I went back to my first encounter with Canadian Virtual Hospice and I too marked my path to where I had been and as the days, weeks, and months moved on I was marking my path in the journey of caring for John.  My path involved many other travellers on Canadian Virtual Hospice and they too had put up their Inuksuit and as such we have marked our thoughts, anger, despair, joy and sadness on our travels.

My travels have been marked well and as I stop and build more Inuksuit by sharing with all of you I can go back and see where I have been, where I am going, how hard the travel has been and how much help I have had building the Inuksuit with the help of all of you on this message board. I know I will look back sometime in the future when the tears become less, when the days are not so long and John's memories are put in my memory treasure box and know that I can go back and trace my travels while still travelling on as my journey has not come to an end and when my journey ends perhaps our children will too look back and build their own Inuksuit.

I am feeling much better to-day.Had to wake up early, always do, and be the alarm clock for one of my friends who had to help Father's Day breakfast at 7:00 a.m. Her alarm clock died and since I am an early riser, yes, I woke her up.  That gave me time to bake a couple of lemon loaves for my daughters who are going to Pender Island tomorrow for a couple of days for rest and relaxation.  Oh yes, my XP computer is giving up the ghost.  Was hard to use, had it rebotted, then it started up again and the gentleman who helps me with this new fandangled stuff told me it was time to get a new computer as once it goes past a certain point saving my info, etc. may be lost.

Good thing I am a saver so here goes, new computer, new understanding of my life and best of all.  Good Understanding and loving friends on CVH.

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