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Reply by Xenia
09 Dec 2016, 6:09 PM

Good Snowy Morning to All:

Another snowy day has arrived in Vancouver/Burnaby.  We had our first snow fall a few days ago and as usual havoc ensued.  Then a wonderful break and a snow warning, it arrived later than predicted but it is here.

Looks beautiful out there.  The mounains are covered with snow and the Christmas lights are sparkling on many of the homes arund here.  Wont be long till the rain comes and washes all this splendor away so I revel in this beauty now.

Old Bat how are things going with you.  Nat R , are you still busy with all your work in the community, Jimmie, think of you and Sarah and grandchildren often.  Katherine, how are things with you?  The questions we ask one another and await your answers even though we know everyone is busy and has many things ot attend to.

I look at my life since John passed away and up come thoughts of my mother after my father passed away.  Living in a small SAskatchewan town was a comfort to her as she was part of the community and yet she often spent many a day alone.  All her children gone from their home town.  No work in these small towns and her children scattered across Canada.  She continued to do her church work and then she slowly declined in health and had to be placed in a Nursing home waiting for her children to come and visit.  How sad, a large family and few children close enough to do a weekly visit.  A daughter lives in Regina and once again, a daughter was the caregiver who travelled to see her when she could to bring her comfort in her old age.

Guilt played a part in our lives, those who lived on the East Coast, the West Coast, Onario, etc.  Families to raise, work to bring in the finances needed to care for their own families, guilt on everyones part knowing their mother pined for them yet travel was restrictive and once a year they would take time out of their lives and visit mother and bring some happiness into her life.  

I do want to appear morose but I am so thankful our children are living close to me, with 45 minutes to travel by one daughter who lives in the valley, the other 3 live within 20 minutes or so to visit, grandson also lives close, friends are a stones throw away so there is much contact with others.  I only wish that all of the seniors had families that could support them in their declining years.

Today will be another busy day at the residence.  Singers coming in, exercise classes, card games, Whist, Bridge, Bingo, etc.  anything one needs to keep busy, a large lounge and a library to keep us reading so my days are filled with many activities that help the days go by quickly and help at this time as the Christmas season can be depressing at times.  Do my best to keep on top of my feelings by remembering others who have not been as fortunate as myself.   

With that thought in mind I wish you all a weekend filled with friendshp, comfort and love from family and your friends on CVH.

Xenia 
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Reply by NatR
13 Dec 2016, 4:08 PM

Dear Xenia and members of the forum,

my apologies for mot responding right away - I meant to -I really did!
It was so nice to read your note Xenia and hear about your new apartment with a nice view of the coast etc.  That's so beautiful to have.

I hear you and  I know that your loss of dear John will never leave your heart - but I admire your resolve to keep on taking on each day and doing your best to be a friend, a mom and grandma - it's important to keep on going.

in a lot of ways I am mirroring your recent life Xenia - as I have accepted a senior apartment in my area -geared to income and no worries about moving until I want to or need to .

the timing is bad - first week in January but this place offers me so much peace and security as well as other seniors close by.  I understand there are gatherings and meals etc to share and be part of - if I want
Also i have a second floor apt with balcony overlooking a lake / where air planes ✈️ with floats come and go.  Plus there is a trail around the lake - so I will make use of that as well 
I therefore am a bit frazzled keeping up with my usual volunteering and spending time with friends / and now packing a box or two every day 

its surprising  just how much stuff we can collect or keep - even one person can hang onto too much.   But I am purging  and sharing what I can with places like  Value Village who can resell and profits go to charity.

winter has been tough on you all out west - I remember it well how heavy and wet the snowfalls can be in your area.  Living on Vancouver island I saw 2 feet fall in 24 hours and then melt the next day causing flooding .

i send you and everyone reading this the best of hope, love and kindness over the holidays.  I am helping out at a supper on Christmas Day - feeding those who have no one to be with or no hot meal  to look forward to.

we can all feel lonely over the Holidays for various reasons  but keeping busy and trying to help your neighbour really helps fill that time.  Making a difference for  someone else is the best medicine for me ( and for many others I think)

Merry Christmas one and all
keep well and remember you are worth it! Love yourself first and spread it around :)

my thoughts go to to those who are caregivers at this time.  It is a heavy load but it matters so much what you do for your loved ones
you will never regret it
hugs from snowy northern Ontario
natR ❄️️🎄🙏🏻🤗
 
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Reply by Nouce
14 Dec 2016, 1:43 AM

Greetings to all,


 


It's good to hear from snowy northern Ontario as well as the far west. Down south it is grey and windy, with perhaps sleet on the weekend. I have done my best to brighten up Pablo's room with a little woolen creche from Peru and a blooming Christmas cactus. It's hard to know if he is noticing. His suffering has greatly increased over the past month, and to ease pain he is on stronger doses of pain medication. I want him to not suffer, but it is hard to see him so unresponsive.


Still, we will have Christmas. Family are coming afterwards, and if it's not too cold, we will take him for a walk every day. Last night I wheeled him outside just long enough to look at the nearly full moon. Anything to have just a bit of real connection.


Sending love across the border and all across Canada. Wishing each one the needed mesasure of love, peace and patience.


 


Nouce

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Reply by Jimmie
20 Feb 2017, 12:08 PM

It has been a long time,  Washed up on a beach bedraggled and worn out.  The world has a capacity to shrink down to a single room, a lamp, and siience.  Bed becomes a refuge and release.  Books and letters abandoned.  Blinds drawn.  I listen for familiar voices. It is difficult to inhale.

I get up because I have to.

I live for the minor moments of pleasure I might yet bring. Of ease.  Comfort. Shadows of companjionship felt however fleetingly. A rabbit in the white woods.

I hope the winter has been kind to each one of you.  And if not, perhaps the spring will be more so.  A moment of tenderness. An unhurried lettng go, Sunlight sparkling upon salt waters.  A surrender of sorts.

Jim
 

 
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Reply by Xenia
06 Mar 2017, 11:35 PM

Jimmie and All:

How wonderful to hear from you Jimmie.  Being lax myself on writing I am so pleased to hear from you as I am sure all on this message board are.

You speak of the comfort and other things like the bed being a refuge.  How often I felt that way and often times still do.  Better to pull the blankets over my head and hide and wait for the solitude of sleep and leve the cares behind for another night but to only have them be there in the morning when  I awake to face the same situation again.

I understand the loneliness and silence but had to learn to live again, slowly and still find that I too abandon my love of books and such.  Life I learned must go on no matter how I would like to shut it out and is too preciious to abandon.

I am not sure why you are having these moments of despondents and trust that you will find your way out of this and as you write and have written you exude feelings that we on this message board relate to.  As you can see I related to to-days message and had to respond as I missed you very much and wondered where you were and how your Sara was and your grandchild and all.

Please keep in touch as you are missed and we share your despair.

With fond regards

Xenia 
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Reply by Jimmie
08 Mar 2017, 12:18 PM

Dear Xenia:


Thank you for writing and for your continued friendship.  The past fall and winter have been very difficult for my family.  Sarah's illness continues to take a toll on her physically and cognitively. Our granddaughter was gravely ill this winter.  Both her diagnosis and proposed therapies have become more complicated and life threatening.  The stress of caring for her has exhausted my daughter and son-in-law physically, emotionally, and financially.  AS a family, we are worn out. WE have been deaing with the daily concrete impact of life threating illnesses, and the grief and stress of anticipating more of the same as our children become symptomatic for almost twenty years. The repeated threats to Maudie's young life has been my undoing, and left our kids broken.


I am overwhelmed at times by the anxiety and grief that I experience, but even more so by the grief and anxiety I see in my kids and the despair I see in Sarah's eyes. It is such a weight of sadness, and it goes on and on and on.  


So ....that's my morning struggle. It breeds anger and despondency.  It alienates me from the good fortune of others and leaves me immune to the small talk of social gatherings.  It is a grinding which seems intent on turning my nerves and bones, sinews and heart to dust - slowly. 


I get up each morning afraid of what the day will bring for Sarah or Maudie or my other kids. Courage deserts me the moment the phone rings.  I put one foot in front of the other - not bravely, not wisely, not virtuously.  I walk, and I sleep. It is such a struggle to bring needed comfort and strangth to your family when you yourself are so empty of courage and joy.


JIm   


 

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Reply by Nouce
09 Mar 2017, 2:22 PM

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him,...they raised their voices and wept; and they rent their robes and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.    --Job 2:11-13
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Reply by jorola
09 Mar 2017, 6:44 PM

Dearest Jimmie,

Many times you have comforted me in my time of need in the past on here. I wish I had the words to comfort you now but words fails me. Know my heart and thoughts are with you, Sarah, Maudie and your family. In your heart, you are not alone. We are there. 

jorola 
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Reply by oldbat
09 Mar 2017, 7:48 PM

Heartbroken for and with you and your family.  The years of toil and anguish have taken a terrible toll from you all.  I wish you a moment - or many oh, so many, of peace now.  Hold on to those moments of comfort you mention:  the rabbit in the white woods.  The beach, the sea, the wide skies.  Music.  Friendship.  Love.  They are all still there.  Lost maybe in a tsunami  of grief and despair, but you WILL find them again.  Or they will find you.

You are a good, kind, tenderhearted man who has given so much comfort, understanding and enjoyment to all of us here.  Think of us now as trying to do the same for you.  Your stalwart army, faithful and strong. hidden maybe, but always, always with you. And with Sarah and little Maude and her parents.  You are all part of our lives, our hopes and dreams and fears.  Count on our strength, Jimmie, to supplement yours.  Know that you are never far from our thoughts and prayers.  You are never alone. 

Hug Sarah and Maude.  Hold your family close.  And remember, we are always with you.

Strength, my friend.  Strength, and succour and peace.

oldbat
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Reply by Xenia
13 Mar 2017, 2:17 AM

Dear Jimmie:

You are missed and cared for all on this message board and as Oldbat, Jorola and Nounce  said and  we as a family offer you our strength and caring wishes to help you through your difficult time.

You have the right to experience the grieving you are going through.  You have been a rock throughout the years and you are wearing down just as solid rocks do.  The multitude of emotions you are feeling are part of your having so much to deal with.  I would venture to say that many would have broken and lost their way long ago yet you carried on and now the burden of caring for Sarah and Maude and being the strength to your families problems would break a lesser person.

I can offer no words of wisdom other than my heart grieves for you and your family. As the others on this message board have stated you have the right to talk about your feelings and share them with others who understand your feelings.

Many of us have experienced some of the problems you have shared and found solace on this message board knowing we were understood and were cared for even though we were and are only names on this message board.  We became more than just names we became caring friends and as such we care for you now and as Oldbat stated we offer you strength, succour and peace.

Dear Friend do keep in touch and allow us to help you carry  on during your time of despair and anxiety with the love and friendship we have for you.

Xenia

 
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