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Reply by Cath1
22 Sep 2012, 7:35 PM

Dear Jane (PPP):

It so good to hear from you and while I wish you were not feeling so emotionally upset I do understand. As we've talked about before, you are in the process of coming to terms with the loss of Avery and the loss of your sister and best friend. It is so sad that you have to learn to cope with and accept so much loss, Jane. I am not sure if I read correctly when you first mentioned your sister and best friend having passed away. Did you lose your sister AND your best friend, or are they one and the same person? 

I can only imagine how adrift you felt when you had the sewer issue. Things like that would have the power to completely knock me down. I am not good with handling the practicalities of those type of household emergencies. I can see how you keenly and painfully missed Avery in that situation as he would have known precisely what to do and you would have had to even give it a second thought. I also understand how the birthday of your late sister triggered many more feelings of loss and helplessness within you. My Mom's birthday has had the same affect on me as it is a reminder that she is gone. We so loved celebrating birthdays together! It is hard to accept Jane, that all those you could count on most are no longer there for you. It is also very difficult to reach out to others out of necessity and to ask for help. I would feel the same way.

Though many sorrows have poured pain upon you and your life, you have already had many victories and I hope you will give yourself a lot of credit for the strength you have shown as you have faced every challenge before you. Some days, some weeks will be harder to get through, to truly feel in your heart that there will be light and hope waiting for you at the end of the endlessly long tunnel that you bravely walk through daily while searching for comfort, but just when you think you cannot bear one more minute of agony, and when you worry that you will remain lost in the darkness and loneliness of grief, something spontaneous will happen and you will once again touch upon hope and a kinder perspective will envelop you and lead you closer to the healing light.

You are such a survivor, Jane - such a great inspiration to me and to everyone who reads these threads! You are suffering no doubt, but you are striving too as you seek a state of inner peace and acceptance that will come, in time. I hope you will be able to one day see the fall as a time when the earth transforms its colours as it prepares for the long rest of winter that will be followed with new life and new beginnings next spring. Your colours are changing too, Jane as you adapt to your new self without Avery and your sister and best friend. You are preparing yourself for new growth that will bring with it so much hope to your heart.

You are expressing how you feel and that to me is the most important thing of all. By writing and seeking help through grief counselling you are leaving behind your fears and boldly taking new steps to help yourself discover ways to live your life to the fullest. I just know you will find your way, Jane because you are already on the right path!:)

Keep us posted about how grief counselling goes. We are always here for you, Jane, just as you are here for us!:)

With affection -xo- hugs
Cath1      
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23 Sep 2012, 11:43 PM

Jane,
It looks like your post got lost. I'm so sorry. Can you please try to post again?
Colleen 
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02 Oct 2012, 12:33 AM

Hi PPP, CarrieK and Cath1,

It has been a while since we have heard from all 3 of you. We were migrating the website to a new server last week, which may be why your post got lost Jane. Please send me a little message to let me know that you are still receiving notifications when a new post is made. And more importantly, I want to hear how you are doing.

I saw this quote today and thought of you all.

"Those who grieve need love and support for a very long time" ~ Tina Erwin 

Take care,
Colleen
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Reply by Cath1
02 Oct 2012, 6:56 PM

Dear Jane and Carolyn:

I have been actively engaged elsewhere over the past week or so but I am anxious to hear from you both as is Colleen so we see!:) Colleen, thank you for adding the quote to your post. It's amazing how much wisdom can be expressed in one simple sentence. It is a gift I fail to possess!:)

Carolyn and Jane, as you each continue to find your own way in the world I hope you know that even when I am distracted by things going on in my own life and work, there is not a day that goes by without me thinking about each of you and wondering how you are doing. You have both not only touched my heart deeply, but the memory of our every conversation continues to tug at it. With each tender tug I am reminded of the depths of your caring and compassion and your great reservoirs of hope and resilience!

I know you will re-join us when you feel the time is right, but I just wanted to check in to let you both know I am still here for you and with you both, as are we all.

With affection -xo- -xo- hugs hugs
Cath1

 
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Reply by PPP
03 Oct 2012, 1:03 PM

Dear Cath1


Thank you for concern.  I have had a rough few days, seeing as it was six months on October 1st since Avery died.  Trying to accept the loneliness has been a challenge this week.


Bereavement counselling brought out the fact that I am allowed to cry.  I was holding back since I like to SMILE instead of cry.  I always remember my mother telling me, you look so pretty when you smile!  To be honest, I said I am tired of crying!  They said that it’s ok to be sad, ok to cry, and there is no time limit.  I knew that but for a stranger to tell me face to face made it seem ok and I wasn’t going crazy!


I am trying to find a new routine and it is the hardest challenge of all!  Accepting that there is no one on the sidelines to talk with, to ask opinions about what I should do seems to be the hardest.  I talk to Avery all the time, and some times I see a sign that I am going in the right direction. 


So I shall keep crying and releasing my grief. 


Thank you again for your kind words.  They are much appreciated.


Kindest Regards


Jane
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Reply by Cath1
03 Oct 2012, 4:14 PM

Dear Jane:

Thank you for stopping by to share your news about how you are doing. I suspected that the 6 month anniversary of Avery's death would affect you deeply. My heart is with you, Jane!

I think the first year after my Mom died I kept hoping that the pain would somehow get easier to bear, but for me with every month that passed it seemed so much harder to deal with. 

I was very much like you - holding in my tears - not consciously, but I was somehow afraid on a very deep level to continue crying over my loss because crying depleted and depressed me and I was truly afraid I would cry forever! So instead of just allowing myself to cry more often, I felt edgier and more anxious about everything as I was trying my best to be "strong" for my kids, my family and friends, all of whom knew how hard it hit me when my Mom died. I needed to feel that I was able to get through my sorrow without allowing it to swallow me whole! I was wrong though as my feelings were genuine and they did not have the power to consume me and leave me forever afloat on a raft of despair. 

Looking back, I now realize that my tears and my fragility did not weaken me as once my emotions were released as I felt them I actually began to feel stronger within me and I was no longer pretending. It takes so much energy to deny our need to feel and to cry. Tears help heal us body and soul, I believe, and from my experience, weeping has helped me to confront the enormity of my loss. My mother died. Your husband died. These are seriously life-altering events that cause us to feel major pain and insecurity that is inescapable, but it does become bearable and as time goes on you may feel as I did, sometimes strong, at times completely vulnerable, weak and afraid, and sometimes simply void of emotion, numb. 

However you are feeling, Jane, please know that these feelings will change as will the intensity of your emotions and the loneliness you are sruggling to adapt to and overcome. I believe with every part of my being that you will get through this experience and you will be able to feel contented again. Acceptance is a long road and at times I still struggle as I search for the way there, but I am making progress every day and I believe you have made incredible progress in these most sorrowful six months of you life!

I am very happy for you that you actually went through with bereavement counselling. You should feel very proud of yourself! It shows such courage on your part because it is not in your makeup to readily ask for help and that I understand so well! It is so good that you have received the support and reassurance of your counsellor. I hope you will stick with it as I think you will receive great comfort from sharing in person with another human being that is not related to you, someone who accepts where you are exactly in this moment of your sorrow and healing, someone you don't need to please or protect from seeing the truth of your experience and someone who will listen, understand and help you through caring for and about you.

You, my friend, are on your way to healing. Your counsellor is right, there is no time limit. Try not to rush and just pay attention to your feelings in the moment, and honour them by allowing yourself to express them. You are worth it! 

Your Mom used to tell you how pretty you looked when you smile and I am sure she was right. I know how you miss having Avery beside you in your life as I am certain he was the inspiration for most of your happy smiles. Sadly, there is nothing pretty about sorrow as it robs us of our ability to smile in the face of it, but there is no doubt a tangible beauty within you, Jane, that shines through your vulnerability as your grieve. 

Until the next time we connect, know I am with you as you wander in the field of grief where you will come upon golden moments of clarity and ever increasing compassion for yourself! Always remember that I am your loyal companion and while I have not been lost in the same field of sorrow as you, I do recognize and appreciate the familiar feelings of frailty that accompany us on our passage through life and loss. 

With affection -xo- hugs
Cath1 
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Reply by NatR
08 Oct 2012, 10:53 PM

Dear Caron, CarrieK, PPP, and anyone else who may read this thread and I have not mentioned.

Just wanted to say that I second everything that Cath1 wrote.  Today was a holiday for us in Canada...and I know that holidays - bring more than family and big meals...they also bring back the loss you have all experienced.  It is very hard to avoid the special days and not feel the loss and memory of your loved ones.

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you all.  That it is okay to feel the feelings..that it means you loved and were loved.  It means that your life was enriched by another who has gone before you.

Life isnt for the faint of heart.  Its probably the hardest thing we ever have to do..is live the life we are given.  We have many other things we can choose to do or not...but taking each breath, making it through each day is something we have to forge ahead with.  And we are going to get through each day...by leaning on each other.

Regardless of the fact that we are all just connected by a typed thread - this and other threads are filled with the moments of life that mattered...for you, each of you...for me, for Cath1, for each of us.

Today I think of those whom I have lost, a father, a brother..a mother who is in a far away place with dementia and doesnt remember me...but I remember her.

Even as I write this...I feel the tears...the loss of relationships, the loss of get togethers...and I am thinking of each of you...and hoping that you know you are not alone.  

Please let us know...when you can...how your weekend went.  Let us know you are still taking life on one day at a time.  I am honoured to listen in to your stories...I am often unsure what to say that will help...but I still want to hear.  Even when another forum member answers..and I read the words...they help me a bit too.

We all have different stories..but we all need each other...just to have that support...to know that someone somewhere...said..yes, its okay...I hear you...I understand your feelings...and am sending you a virtual thought bubble...a virtual hug today.

Sending you each a thought for a good week and the strength to face each day.  Be kind to yourselves.  We are often the last person that we give comfort to.  
Sincerely,
NatR 
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Reply by Carriek
11 Oct 2012, 3:24 AM

Hello guys,
I know its been awhile since I last wrote... Im sorry- I am having a hard time. I seem to be wearing two faces and get very caught up deciding which face I have woken up to.
I feel that people expect me to be smiling and back to my old self. They have no idea of the impact that we have suffered. I think its because most people have the experience of a parent or grandparent that has passed, not many have suffered the loss of their 47 year old husband and best friend. I miss him so much, I want to scream "so much" because Im devastated.
I work outside the home in a very public position, known by most everyone.... before this happened I was on top of the world... with a VERY successful career, and my husband with his own condtruction business.
I have kept my husbands business open with me running things.... which I seem to enjoy (guess its because of him) but my career...... well... I seem to be stuck !!!! I feel like Im hiding some days Im not sure if its that I dont want to be subject to the public eye.... or.... if its that my business has suffered in my 10 month absence......... and Im not sure that I have the energy to build it back......
I think of what has happened every single minute of every single day...........Im so sad !!! I keep wanting to say that I want him back.... and that hurts even more as I know I can never have him back.
Jane-- I just re read your message-- I am so very sorry for your loss of Avery, I feel your pain and understand your loss... I hear your sadness and the dread of having to go it without him... I am so appreciative that you and I can share and maybe help each other xo
I am signed up to go to my first hospice group meeting, its being held at a coffee shop...and I really have no idea of what to expect.... but Im willing to try anything...to maybe hear some magic words that may help....my broken heart and help me begin to accept what has happened.....
I feel I dont know how to make sense of my days..... I feel like Im on hold.... my two daughters count on me so much.... and that Im thankful for. as it pushes me to try to keep our lives as normal as possible...
again Im sorry I hadnt written for awhile-- guess I was hiding from here as well..
Does this pain always feel this bad ???? Does it get any easier??? I know its only been 2 1/2 months since my love passed.....but this pain started almost one year ago as he was diagnosed OCTOBER 25th, 2011.
:(
CarrieK          
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Reply by Tian
11 Oct 2012, 4:46 AM

Dear Carriek

I'm so sorry although not surprised that you're having a tough time. But I think you don't need to apologize to us or anyone for that matter. You lost the love of the life and the father of your children for ******* sake. I haven't been in your shoes but I think you are entitled to grieve at your pace and not anyone else's and you should continue doing what feels right for YOU. As you've stated your daughters are your main responsibility and you also need to attend to your and your husband's businesses as you see best. Can someone help you with the businesses? If people take issue with actions you've taken I think you should be open to what they say but only if they understand that life is not back to normal for you. Life is never going to be as it was for you. But I think joining the hospice group is a good step to getting your life back on the rails. 

I felt the need to reply quuickly but I'm sure others on this site will provide you with better words of comfort and advice.

Best Wishes
Tian 
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Reply by Cath1
11 Oct 2012, 12:16 PM

Dear Carolyn (Carriek):

I awoke this morning to find your message and Tian's response to you. I'm so glad Tian was able to be there for you to listen to you late last night as you poured out the pain that grips you body and soul.

This October has to be especially painful for you as it marks a year since your husband was diagnosed. It must feel overwhelming to you to have to accept that in the short span of a year your husband got cancer and he endured treatments that were difficult and that ultimately did not save his life. In one year you went from being a happy-go-lucky young woman, a wife with a purpose and a husband you adored to a being his constant caregiver and loving companion whose heart was hoping to change the situation and bring about a miracle you desperately needed and wanted for him, for you and your family, to becoming a very young widow now mourning deeply your unbearable loss. A year ago you were a mother whose contented and secure children you were raising together with their devoted father. Last September you were a confident and successful woman with a thriving career that kept you actively engaged. Before October 2011 you had all the hope in the world.

Your husband has since lost his life, Carolyn at the height of the summer when the world outside his and yours was beautiful, bright and blossoming. He had to face the darkest night with you beside him and your love within him, and your world changed in that moment forever. I understand that you feel that you have in essence lost the lustre of your own life without your husband beside you. I feel the depth of your sadness, your feelings of weakness and fear, your lack of confidence in yourself and in the future you cannot yet imagine, your despair and your anger for the unfairness of it all.

As Tian says, and please take his words and mine to heart and let them envelop you with love and compassion because you have absolutely nothing for which to apologize, your feelings are valid. Many people, if not most, will sympathize with how you are feeling even if they cannot understand precisely because they themselves have not lost their soulmate, and in the lack of experience with such a soul-shattering event, they cannot fully understand and appreciate your unspeakable grief. I hope with all my heart that you will find others in the hospice group who have been through a similar tragedy to yours so you will have the opportunity to relate and to express openly your highly personal feelings and find the support and empathy you deserve. I hope you will begin to find healing one moment at a time. I am with you feeling your pain and your hope with every beat of your breaking heart.

October is also the month of Thanksgiving. Your mind and heart are understandably stuck on the sad reminders of your husband's illness and death and the life you shared and now miss with all of your being, but I see too, remarkably, that even in the midst of your feelings of overwhelm you express gratitude for the children and for having them to live on for and because of them you will find the strength you need to carry on living and loving. You already have deep reservoirs of love and courage! It hurts to love so deeply as you love your husband Carolyn, and that kind of love makes loss so much harder to bear.

When you feel able, please come back to let us know how the hospice group meeting went. We here in your Virtual Hospice family are with you in spirit and we are rooting for you. You have lost so much Carolyn, but you will not lose us.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1        
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