Thank you Cath1...Thank you
My soul does hurt beyond words... the anger, the despair of losing him is so overwhelming. 
How does one begin to accept..
How do I begin to smile... what happens? How does it come about? 
are there any good books that you can rocommend? is there a certain discussion on here that I should look up?
I am looking forward to the group meeting....
CarrieK     

Hi NatR
how do I find online support groups that you mentioned?
I am not on twitter, nor do I even know how...
CarrieK    

Thank you once again Cath1, I can always count on you and your calming words to make me feel as better as I can be.
Im still having a very hard time getting motivated.... my previous life was busy, rushed, successful.... and now I just seem to want to hide in the house...alone...
It scares me.... my business has fallen to practically nothing... most people when I do see them say--we didnt want to call you, as we didnt know if you were back to work- so we called someone else !!!
Not sure what I can, should do......
how does one get motivated when I truly believe now----- why do we all work so hard to achieve---- when once struck with a terminal illness--nothing matters and nothing can save you, not all of the hard work, not all the achievements, nor the possesions..... NOTHING
so what is the point of busting our asses....
I guess I feel ............ beaten...... defeated....... lost
Carriek         

Dear Carolyn (Carriek):

Thank you for your kindness. It means so much to me!

Please try not to expect so much of yourself so soon in your grieving. Your feelings are very natural. Of course, in this moment you cannot feel the same sense of satisfaction in your work as you once did because your entire perspective on life has changed and deepened in light of your loss. You are now acutely aware of your priorities and your feelings which make you extremely vulnerable.

Why do we all spend so much time working when life's events can suddenly cause us to lose everything we feel we have been working for? The reason most people work is because they need to support themselves and often others who are dependent upon them. Typically, whether we enjoy great careers where we can really express our talents or work at a job that may not be so interesting but pays the bills, most of us need to feel we are contributing through work, to improve our experience of life for ourselves and for our families. The possessions we accumulate along the way mean little when we don't have someone with whom to share them. Success cannot shield us from life's disappointments or tragedies. Success in business does not prepare us to accept personal loss. There is no comparison to the fulfillment we get from our careers and the fulfillment we get from our closet relationships. We are lucky if we have both at the same time, as you did, Carolyn, and you have not only lost your husband, the thought of which was your worst fear and now your deepest sorrow, but since he died you have lost the appreciation for other aspects of yourself and your life, including your work, which I think is more than understandable.

I know how desperately you want to feel whole again, happy and excited by life rather than to feel defeated, lost and distracted by the constant presence of sadness. Time seems endless in the first throes of grief. It is an emotionally draining and dispiriting experience. It can feel like you will never again feel good about anything but this is a part of the grieving process. There is no way around it, you will feel discouraged and even at times hopeless and yet you will begin to respond to the little voice inside of you that will encourage you, and it will give you the strength and the hope you need to carry on. Listen to your inner guide. It is always there for you to keep you on track when you feel like you've completely lost your way. It will not abandon you. Right now your sorrow is screaming so loud through your soul that it is really hard to hear your inner voice reminding you that you are a survivor, a capable, talented, loving woman, mother, and friend. You have very important work to do right now and your first assignment is to acknowledge all of your qualities, your resilience, your courage, your determination to find yourself again safe in the knowledge that you will get through every dark night to discover a new day. As the days pass you will begin to recover a stronger sense of direction, renewed purpose, little joys that will grow over time into acceptance, confidence, patience and compassion for yourself.

One day the trust you once had in life will return, although your experience will always colour your perspective it will also give you a wisdom that you have well earned. One day, I believe, you will know a deep peace that others may never know and it will be alive within you, in the comforting memories of you and your husband together, the profound love you shared, the laughter, the children you both adore, the family holidays, the special conversations between lovers, the gratitude you feel for the past, and in the promise of hope and happiness in the future. Tonight when you sleep I hope you will allow yourself to dream of a better day waiting to greet you so you will begin to imagine that it is possible for that day to dawn.

Tonight before I sleep, I am thinking of you, Carolyn, and Jane too, and I am keeping you both in my prayers. I will be praying that peace finds you both wherever you are waiting. I know how hard it is to wait for that moment, and you may not realize when it happens because peace will arrive through a subtle series of small mercies that will slowly transform you from within. Listen to your inner voice as it brings you messages of comfort and hope. You can trust it.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1

Dear Jane (PPP):

I am so happy to hear from you again! Thank you for your amazing message and I'm glad you succeeded in posting it this time!

You have come so very far, Jane. I am so glad you are making your way through your forest of feelings to find hope branching out around and within you. It does make a difference, in my experience, when we hear from someone we trust and respect that our grief does not necessarily mean we are clinically depressed. It helps to know we have not lost our way and that our feelings of deep sadness are actually a part of our healing when accepted and expressed. Grief of course can feel like depression because it is so hard to function for what feels at times like an eternity. It is always best for anyone wondering if their feelings of sorrow have evolved into a full blown depression to check with a professional. It's natural to wonder.

In my experience with loss when my Mom died, I recall getting to the point where I simply could not stand another moment of sadness. I felt I could not bear those powerful feelings forever. I felt so weak. I really wondered if my feelings would have the power to overwhelm me for the rest of my life. I too felt sick of crying after several months had passed. I had often wept when I was alone in the private sanctuary of my home. After awhile when the numbness set in, I felt relief for a time. I needed a break from my tears and those breaks, when I simply could not cry another single solitary tear, helped me to regain my footing and to kind of go through the motions. Sometimes I did have to fake it, hoping I would ultimately make it through but not really believing I would. I certainly had no idea at the time how I could make it and live on in the face of my loss. For many months I went back and forth from feeling anaesthetized to pain to feeling that there was no pain killer strong enough to dull the constant ache in my soul.  I was determined not to take any kind of medication to dull the pain as I felt strongly that I needed to feel every sensation of sorrow in order to deal with it and to somehow get beyond it. Some weeks I cried all day long and I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror, so swollen and distorted by grief was my face. Weeks passed without one tear drop escaping from my weary and vacant eyes.

Tears are so healthy, yet when we cry for so long they can also drain our energies. We need to cultivate a balance in our grieving and that takes so much time and effort. I think at some point, we need to force ourselves to re-engage in life and to smile even when we don't feel like it. Smiling somehow helps build our strength as does being with people even when we may prefer to hide ourselves away from the world - perhaps especially then. Still, always underlying the absence of tears expressed, I could sense how fragile and vulnerable I was in fact and the thought that I would lose complete control of my senses scared me silly. I know now that time does help heal. As much as I wished for time to hurry up and help me, I also realized that I could not control how much time it would take. For me, giving up my need to control the timing of my healing actually helped to restore my faith that healing would occur. I always hated to hear that comment about time healing all wounds, but for me it has proved true thank goodness. I am hoping for you, Jane, and for Carolyn, that you will each find that time will bring healing.

There is so much empathy and wisdom in your post and in your advice to Carolyn to seek and to accept help from others. That is so important. I know you struggled as I did with reaching out, but it is worth the risk of being vulnerable with others because through our shared human experiences we give one another strength and courage to continue living as we suffer. It is powerful to realize that others have experienced and survived sorrow so painful that they felt it would kill them if they could not escape it. It gives us great hope to see them living on and learning to not only adapt to their new life after the death of a loved one, but to regain inch by inch a renewed quality of life in the presence of possibilities to which the dark night of grief had rendered them blind. We need to know we are not alone. We need to follow in the footsteps of others who have walked before us and have left footprints where we have barely begun to tread as we step bravely and blindly into the darkness of grief. We must feel our own way through the mysterious and frightening maze of sorrow, following footsteps, imprinting the path with our own footsteps of experience, while hanging on to our most miniscule hopes like a lifeline that will lead us to find the light of healing that is waiting to show us a new horizon.

You are inching closer day by day to that healing light, Jane. Please keep us posted with your progress and please keep communicating with Carolyn. Your experience shines a light she so needs to see.

With affection –hugs- xo
Cath1


PS Tian, you my humble friend, are incredibly kind! Thank you for sharing with us all through your many messages of support your especially warm and healing light. With you I don't need to hide my feelings in the closet!:-)