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Reply by marstin

20 Nov 2012, 7:04 AM

I am so glad that I have found a place where unfortunately the common bond is grief. On July 15th my husband Len lost his battle with cancer at home just hours before we were to be officially married. The following day, my mom who was my closest friend was admitted to the hospital with heart problems and seven weeks later she also passed away. Though I am a strong person I find it increasingly difficult to keep moving forward. I lost the two people that were the closest to me so quickly and have so few friends around. Our two college aged daughters struggle to go through the motions of life and become very agitated with me when I experience anger at a brother who continually stomps on my feelings. In addition to these losses are the fact that I will have to sell our home and having not worked for 18 years I will have to figure out a way to support us. I feel so lost and alone and have nowhere to vent these fears let alone allow myself time to grieve. As I read the words that many of you have written it brings some solace to know that I truly am not alone. With Christmas coming I'm sure that many of us are feeling the same wave of emotions and fears. As I keep telling myself, just breathe, it will soon be behind us. I will allow the memories of happier times to try to bring comfort though I know that this will be one of the toughest mountain to climb.

Tracie

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Reply by PPP

20 Nov 2012, 12:34 PM

Dear Tracie, Carolyn

Having lost my husband to cancer also, I am walking along the same path with you. It is a journey that is like a roller coaster. One minute you’re ok, the next, you’re not. As you mentioned at this time of year, our feelings seem to be very raw!

I, too, have situations to face, trying to maintain my home on the lake, with winter coming, and it is so lonely. I am maintaining everything, but there is not room for extras, but see the day, I will have to sell the house too. I think we need to take all these things one day at a time.

Planning and organizing with this day to day routine we are on, takes some doing! Our thoughts are so jumbled some days, part of the grieving process, that we have to take it slow. A few months ago, I would be walking in circles, with no concentration with the task at hand, thinking I was accomplishing things. This has improved, but there is always the question, why am I doing this! Avery, is not here and who cares if the house needs cleaning. I still keep plugging away anyway, as Avery would want me to. As in life before Avery died, I am living as he would want me to. This is the most traumatic part of the grieving process. Trying to maintain the normal part of our lives is the most difficult part!

I started volunteering, one day a week and this is rewarding, however, it’s not enough and may need to find more to get me out of the house. The hardest part is not having someone beside you to pass ideas by! Avery and I always shared our ideas, and he would give his opinion! I miss this companionship!

It will be difficult with Christmas coming, but our loved ones would want us to bring happiness to our families. We have to keep this in mind!

Regards
Jane

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Reply by NatR

20 Nov 2012, 2:12 PM

Dear Marstin, PPP, Carolyn, Tracie and any other readers, or posters that I have not named.

I am glad to see that there is a bond growing, a sharing of grief, circumstance, facing the same situation. Like you, I believe every one of us, for one reason or another find holiday times hardest to take...

We all grieve loss...whether it is through illness and death..or just family dynamics and circumstances that we cannot overcome.

I am not fresh from a loss like you all are...but holidays arent my best time of year either. I have to deal with the absence and silence from those who should be closest to me. Hard to understand isnt it? Makes you wonder, why me? What did I do? Why do I deserve this?

Life is difficult...but you are all giving me inspiration daily...that one day at a time we can support each other, that we can overcome the losses, and we can make a difference.

It is good to hear that Jane, (PPP) you are doing baby steps, getting out there, seeing what you can give to others a few hours a week. That is an amazing first step. It is hard to just get out the door some days to buy groceries isnt it?

My heart goes out to you all and I encourage you to keep writing, keep sharing, keep talking....we are not alone when we do that. We can feel less isolated...and we can make it.

To Marstin Tracie, Carolyn and Jane...and others....just take it one minute at a time.
You are all inspiring to me.

I send you each a hug today and I know you can feel that you have been heard. It does help. It does ease the lonliness and the fear a bit.

I participated in a conversation online yesterday...and it was about Transitions.
I knew it would be an important conversation to hear...and I was impressed and learned a lot from the many chatters who gave their personal slant on Transitions.

I came away from that conversation understanding that Transitions are inevitable...as life is unknown to us - we are born and we go through each day, week, year, transitioning the whole time. We learn, we gain experience, we get hurt, we are touched by those we meet on our path...and if you try to avoid the Transition or Change...you cant. It still happens.

You just have to "embrace" the Transition...there is no going backward, turning back the clock. The scary thing about change is that we fear the unknown. Why not today just say...okay...I dont know what tomorrow or even today brings...but I am going to meet it head on! I am going to take each interaction, each lead, each new person in my life...to learn something...its all tools...its all helpful.

A couple of years ago I was in a crisis. I had thoughts in my mind that were disturbing...because I felt so lost, so alone, so frightened about what might or might not happen one particular day. I even thought about driving off the road...there were a few bridges on my travels. That was terrifying to me.

I realized that whatever I was going to face...it was not going to be that bad...and that no matter what I came away with...I would still be Me, I would still survive, no matter what direction I took...I would be okay.

So I faced my fears...and I learned a lot that day. Fear controls us so much. Pain and Fear...and loss...you are all dealing with it. But you are coming through the experience and out the other side.

There will be new people in your lives, there will be new opportunities, jobs, new mountaintops to wave flags from...
So...believe my friends...anything is possible.

Sorry this was soooo long. Just had to say it.
My heart is full...just typing to you today.
Hugs...
NatR

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Reply by marstin

21 Nov 2012, 1:25 AM

To Jane and NatR,

Thank you for your responses. It is so nice to have others who have dealt with and are dealing with this type of pain to talk to. I sometimes vent to my daughters who are 20 and 22 but feel so guilty when I do because I know that it only brings them more pain. Like you Jane, Len was my sounding board for everything and my mister fix it. I have found strength in areas that I didn't think I could yet weakness in everyday things. Trying to work through mountains of paperwork reduces me to tears and being unable to at least talk to my mom about it keeps me from doing the things that I know I need to do. One thing I was able to do was fire the contractor that was working on our bedroom before Len even passed away. I know that Len would have been proud of me for doing it. I now at least have a bedroom to hide in. Finding the strength to take charge in every major decision is so exhausting. Most days I try to find the calm accepting feeling I had when Len first passed away. I lost so much of that when my mom passed so soon after and I had to deal with other 'family drama'.I know that the social worker at the hospital was in tears when she realized that I was my mom's daughter. She had worked with us when Len was ill. We kept trying to line up meetings with her but I guess it wasn't meant to be and she has now gone off on maternity leave. The thought of starting all over again with someone new is daunting but more and more I feel it is necessary.
Although I do not know you Jane I am so proud of you for taking on the volunteering. I remember mentioning to one of Len's nurses that I could never do the type of work that he does and he surprised me by saying that he believed that I was one of the rare ones that could. That has led me to think about volunteering at a hospice but first I must allow myself time to heal a bit more.
NatR I understand what you mean about considering options. Thirty years ago I lost my boyfriend to suicide (he was schitzophrenic) and I didn't think that I could carry on and had thoughts of leaving this world also. It took me two years before I could finally start to see that I was still here for a reason and that I would find a way to move on.
I also believe that in time we will all stand on a mountaintop and yell'I survived' and feel such pride in ourselves for being stronger than we ever thought we could be.

Hugs back to you,
Tracie

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

23 Nov 2012, 2:37 AM

Hi Tracie,

How are you tonight? I was wondering if you had seen the discussion on this thread:

Going from WE TO ME........

I think you might like to read it. Additionally, if you post a message to it, the people who have already been writing there (Nanalovesu, PPP, Mark99, Cath1, NatR and Brayden et al.) will receive a notification that there's a new post.

Thanks for your kind note to kath_7.
Thinking of you.
Colleen

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Reply by Carriek

03 Dec 2012, 12:21 AM

Hi Tracy,
Im Carolyn... I have posted on here lots (not so much lately) but think I need to start getting back on here more regularly.
Im so sorry to read of you losing Len- I cried when I read your story. Especially that he passed the day you were to be married.
Im struggling every single day some days worse some days a little better.... I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel.
My husband Darren passed July 20th. We had been together many years and were married last Dec 18th after he had been diagnosed in October 2011 needless to say our first anniversary is approaching and will be a sad sad day without him.
We have 14 yr old twin daughters..... we are all having a very hard time.... I have noticed moods from the twins that I have not seen before, and my moods are somewhat shocking too.
I cant find a reason why this has happened... I cannot begin to justify why such a great man lost his life, or why so many have suffered the same battle to in the end lose.
My home is surrounded by sadness.
Tracy Im sad that you have to sell your home, Im sad that you suffered two devastating deaths so close together and that you feel so alone..
I wish that there was a way that I could find people that live in my area, that are suffereing from this grief, because I belive we could really help each other. I live in Nova Scotia and do not know of any group involvement.
I hope to hear from you Tracy, Im here and would love to get a chance to talk to you.
Carolyn (CarrieK)

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Reply by Carriek

03 Dec 2012, 12:46 AM

Hello everyone
Its been awhile, I have been so down in the dumps, so much so I couldnt even write. Im at a loss for words most times, sadness is really wearing me down.
Being back to work ( as a real estate agent) is a VERY hard thing, as everyone expects me to be smiling, happy, full of energy when.... inside I am crying. I get up each day and push myself out the door... (because if I stay home, I am so full of depression I cannot accomplish anything and seem to take many steps back) but I ma having a hard time as I put on the smiling face that most expect...and then people walk up to me and say things like... Im sorry to have heard, Oh it must be so hard, and each word brings the lump in my throat and tears to my eyes...... what can I say? Please I cant bear to talk about this? Please dont ask personal questions about my daughters and my grief ??
any suggestions would be a big help
I feel almost guilty smiling..... I feel like people expect it.... but I feel that the people that know me... must think "Im over my sadness" which is far from true.
I know I shouldnt worry about what others think but I do.
My life has become full of worries, sadness, anger ( LOTS OF ANGER) and I dont seem to be able to think of anything but what we all suffered in the past year.
Our first wedding anniversary is coming up on the 18th............Alone...... Im not sure I will be able to get out of bed that day...
My heart is so broken.... I cry every single day... I have been crying for over a year, I never knew a person could cry that much for that long..... since october 25, 2011.... thats alot of tears !!!

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Reply by PPP

03 Dec 2012, 1:03 PM

Dear Carriek

I am going through the same grief scenario you describe. Yes, it is not easy, my life is full of worries, worrie I always had Avery to see to. I am slowly, after 8 months, coming to grips with my feelings. All of this takes time. Keeping busy as you are doing is a positive step as we try and build a new life, routine for ourselves.

I have decorated for Christmas as I always have and have moments where I ask myself why? Because Avery would want me to!! I made his favourite Christmas cake and shortbread! All the things I do are driven by the love that Avery and I shared. Tears still flow every time I prepare for Christmas, but I find it a healing tool for me! Doing things Avery would want me to continue doing!

As I go through each day, the feelings such as sadness, anger, loneliness have changed with time. I don’t get upset about crying all the time as I used to. We are allowed to grieve. Remember that!!! If only there was something that could give back the happiness we felt when our loved ones were with us. Unfortunately, we have to go through the grieving process and find our new we to me life. This takes it toll on our emotions! My husband would always say jokingly, It’s a good day, I got out of bed today! He is right! It’s a good day!!

Hugs

Jane

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Reply by marstin

04 Dec 2012, 12:25 AM

Hi Carolyn,

Thank you so much for your kind message. Our grief is so new and we are raw and with Christmas coming I find that the simple task of going out shopping brings back so many memories and so much pain. I used to say to Len, 'What if something happens to you?' and he'd smile at me and say, 'Don't let anything happen to me'. With me being the unhealthy one of the two of us, I thought that I would be the first to go even though he was over 6 years older than me. I often think that it might have been easier for our girls if it had gone that way since he was the rock that we all depended on for everything. Oh, the anger! It is like a poison. Last night my youngest treated me to a movie and all was well. We came home and started talking about what we should eat for dinner and suddenly the three of us were at each other's throats. I finally diffused the situation by saying that we are all dealing with our pain differently and we have to be gentle with each other. My oldest holds her sadness deep inside. She was practically raised by my parents and I know that when my dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago on her grad weekend that it devastated her. She put her heart and soul into her Grandma after that. Her and her dad used to lock horns alot yet he loved her deeply. He was really worried about how she would cope when he passed away. It crushed her. When my mom passed away so soon after, it just totally turned her world upside down. The youngest talks alot about her feelings and crazy dreams. I'm so glad that she can share. My anger comes from feeling so overwhelmed by everything and that people keep promising to help me with things and then never follow through. What can I say, just about every emotion comes out in anger.

I can feel how difficult it must be to be in a career that depends on your smile and clear headedness. That people expect you to be getting on with life, well... maybe they've never had to watch a loved one suffer so horribly and pass away before your eyes. Not only do we deal with our grief but also that no matter what we did, we couldn't save the people we loved. Many do not know what it's like to lose their confidante and support system. Trying to stay strong for your girls when all you want to do is curl up somewhere and cry must cause you alot of stress. My gilrs are a little older but still very dependant in many ways.

I force myself out the door every day Partly to avoid the paperwork and the calls from creditors. My mom and I used to go out pretty much every day and I go by myself just so that I can see the familiar faces in the grocery or drugstore who will take the time to talk to me and know about my losses. My girls think I'm crazy but I think that if I didn't do that I would truly go crazy. Talking helps I find. I had a woman I barely knew, come up to me one day and take my arm and sit me down and ask me how my mom was. She knew that my mom had passed away but wasn't sure how to broach the subject. I poured my heart out for about 20 minutes and she was so kind. I walked away from her feeling like someone actually cared.

I think that is an important thing in this journey that we have been forced to take, compassion and caring. I am here for you Carolyn. If we try to take this one step at a time and allow ourselves to falter, I think that in time we will start to see a glimmer of sunshine through all of this sorrow. We are fragile and need to find ways to be kind to ourselves so that we can begin to heal and maybe one day help others who will walk this road too.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by Cath1

04 Dec 2012, 6:08 AM

Dear Jane, Carolyn and Tracie:

Tonight as I read all of your most recent posts, your words each telling so sadly how your hearts are breaking, your children's hearts too, I am humbled by the sheer courage each of you display! Truly, it is such an honour to be a part of this community of caring and healing, to simply be here with you, hoping for you and with you, listening to your hearts, and virtually holding each of you in mine.

I know the healing part of your journey seems like an impossible mission and the very thought that you can each genuinely survive the experience of loss seems a heartless expectation. The concept of finding peace in the midst of your emotional agonies must feel foreign and cruel, a most elusive pursuit for each of you. I understand as best I can but that you each know how it feels and can share those feelings with one another matters most. I am so glad you have found one another here!

I have not experienced a loss of a husband, but when I read your pleas for help and compassion and see your willingness to reach out to one another and others to help them as you share your own pain, I can imagine how you each feel hopelessly lost yet innately hopeful at the same time that a better day will dawn in each of your lives. Hang on tightly to even the faintest of hope as it will be your salvation, your lifeline, just as you can each be the strength the other needs in moments of weakness. By sharing openly the truth of your experience with overwhelming grief, loneliness and despair you are giving of yourselves at a time when life has taken so much from each of you and that is outstandingly brave! I pray for each of you nightly that kinder days will be painted upon your futures and that peace from the tortures of mourning will be yours!

It will take so much time and endless tears to get there, to realize your hopes, to quell your worries and fears, to feel again like life is worthwhile and to believe it, but it is my most sincere wish that each of you will get to that place of inner calm and acceptance one day. I believe in each of you, I believe you will get there! I am in awe of your resilience even though you may not yet be able to claim that survival trait, it is yours!

I can see very clearly that each of you have it within you to get through and carry on, for your own sake, the sake of your precious children and families, and especially for the sake of the dear memory of your husbands, and in your case, Tracie, your sweet Mom as well, and Jane, for your best friend and sister's sake. These relationships that are born of love keep living on after death. You are forever connected although you are now each growing in a new direction. It is scary not to know where you are headed and if you will have what it takes to survive when you get there, and you are more concerned about if and how you will get there rather than when. It's like life has put you in this strange land without any guidance on how to live in this new place you find yourselves in.

While you are now discovering a whole new identity in your new circumstances where feel completely unfamiliar, I believe that each of your beloved husbands are with you always in your hearts. Close your eyes and feel their familiar presence comforting you. I know without any wonder that they are each amazed by how each of you have managed to go on, to get up every day and face this new world with all its demands when you just wish with all your hearts to have back by your side your love, your best friend, but you are doing it as they would each want you to, as you must.

The love you feel so deeply for those you have lost is why you feel so acutely, achingly your unforgiving and constant pain and anxiety and yes, anger. It is so important to acknowledge and express the real emotions stirring your hearts and souls. Sorrow is not a pretty sight and nor is it polite. It is a raging fire of feeling that sears one's soul and leaves it scarred. As you each struggle honestly with your profoundly frightening feelings know that your integrity and courage, your love and your hope will keep you going as you each face valiently the fierce foe of sorrow.

In the meantime, as you patiently and impatiently wait and work toward that mysterious goal, know that by expressing your real feelings, the rage you feel for the injustice of your personal losses, the utter anger and defeat and alienation you feel in a world that let you all down so sadly, you are each helping yourselves and one another to cope.

You can't pretend to feel something you don't. It's not fair that anyone should expect you to and you don't need to please anyone. Smile when you feel like smiling and cry when you feel the need. Let guilt go as it is a unfair and undeserved burden that will only tire you out when you need as much positive energy possible. You have nothing to prove to anyone! You are each incredibly inspiring and I hope that each of you know how special and especially loved you are! As Christmas approaches, I will be here thinking of each of you and on my Christmas wish list I am asking Santa to make sure you have Angels in your midst all the days of your lives!:):):)

My Christmas tree will have a special ornament placed upon it in honour of each of you and of course they will be surrounded by lights to signify the miracle of hope shining upon you and yours the promise of peace.

With affection -hugs- -xo- -hugs- -xo- -hugs- -xo-
Cath1

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