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Reply by marstin

08 Dec 2013, 7:42 PM

Hi,

When I look back at my last posting in this thread I see how much has changed and how little really has. I'm still stuck in this house and never did take any medication but I'm still standing and trying to push ahead.

This year has brought about more emotions than last year but at least there are fewer tears. My heart swells with love when I think of Len and my Mom and how blessed I was to have had them in my life.

Like Nat I find that assisting others whenever I can brings me a sense of doing something meaningful. I have found that loss has brought out a depth that I never knew existed and I am thankful for it.

This Christmas I am finding myself wanting to get the house decorated and yet not finding the energy to put that into place. With far less people to shop for and having to go out and do it on my own, it's not much fun. Last year we still had family that kept us busy and involved but this year we have been made to feel by many family members that it is time to 'get over it' and move on. Sometime's the advice of those who have no idea what it feels like to be in our shoes can cause unnecessary pain.

This year we will dance to our own tune and have Christmas dinner in our own home. We will carry on the tradition of going out for dinner on Christmas Eve followed by an evening of Christmas movies,wrapping and my daughter's doing their own favorite rendition of 'The Night Before Christmas'. In this way we will celebrate the memories of years gone past. We will extend an invitation to anyone we know who has nowhere to have Christmas dinner and we will treasure the fact that it is how my Mom would have done it. The goodness and kindness of our two 'Angel's' will live on in us. We will not let them down.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by sickness

08 Dec 2013, 7:59 PM

OMG!! I have this terrible black hole in my heart! its been 40 days since my hubby has passed away! I miss him sooo much! I have to put this strong face on for my kids... 18 and 16... Cause they see me upset then there twice as upset and I don't know how to help them, if I can't help myself! I am by myself He left me!!!!! I can't do this! What the hell did I do wrong to become a widow at age 46!!!!!! I see everyone around me happy....shopping for Christmas...and just being a normal family! NORMAL?!?! I will be never be normal again......how do I find strength To carry on? I can't stop crying today...... Yes I have a great family support....but I can't be whining on them all the time.... They have lives they are living and then along comes me....Debbydowner..... So I put onmy face again! Ahhhhhhhh

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Reply by NatR

08 Dec 2013, 8:19 PM

Dear sickness, I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad. It is so fresh, 40 days feels like yesterday, it's not wrong that you feel this grief.

I am am sorry that you are feeling guilt, that you did something wrong to have lost your love. You did nothing wrong. It is doubly hard to take care of such young children, early teens, and they are wishing - I am sure, that they could take your pain away.

are you able to get any counselling in your area? sometimes it's good to talk face to face - I wish I was able to give you a hug.

you are not DebbyDowner, you are a entitled to your grief. Sometimes all those faces around you may see happy and trouble free, but I am sure one or two are fighting grief and dealing with sadness.

I hope you will feel less alone, I hope you will continue to write and share
best to you
NatR

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Reply by NatR

08 Dec 2013, 8:27 PM

Dear Tracie,

thank you you for your note too! looking back at the past year tells you that you have survived, that in many ways it's still close to you, your double loss of Len and your mom, but I think you also have found ways to move forward - something we do ever so slowly at times.

i often get overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and loss too and wonder where that geyser of emotion comes from.

The note from sickness reminds me that we are all different, and on the outside people think we are doing fine, when on the inside we are feeling crushed and wondering how we will get through the next hour never mind the holidays!

We all are unique, all healing at different speeds.
my best wishes to you as you prepare to deal with this holiday - remembering your mom, and your love.

be encouraged, and thank you for your great letters on the forum. I learn from you :)
hugs NatR

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Reply by marstin

08 Dec 2013, 9:45 PM

Hi sickness,

I sometime's wonder why we are so hard on ourselves when we are grieving. Maybe it's because we become so used to trying to be strong that we forget that we are only human and emotions are what make us who we are.

As Nat said, your loss is so new and trying to deal with your loss and trying to show strength for your children is extremely difficult. I'm sure that I was far from the perfect parent when I was in your position over a year ago and even now I am far from the perfect parent that I wish I could be but pain and loss changes you. Possibly the fact that you break down in front of your children will teach them that it is okay to grieve instead of bottling it up.

What you will find is that you CAN do this. I would never have imagined that I would still be standing when I lost my husband and Mom so close together but I am. It's just one small step at a time and only allowing people around you who can totally support you. You are very vulnerable right now so the one's who expect you to just get on with your life are better left to the side until you gain some strength.

I am one of those people who walks around with a smile on my face and those that don't know me wouldn't have any idea of what I have been through and am still going through. Still, when I meet someone I know that truly wants to know how I am, the mask comes off and the tears flow. It takes time, a lot of time, to be able to begin to find the strength to move forward but it will come.

The support here has helped me find my strength. When I look back on earlier posts I can see how far I've come and it is through being able to pour it all out to loving and caring people who truly understand that has made a huge difference. It's a safety net of compassion.

We are here for you sickness.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by sickness

11 Dec 2013, 1:34 PM

Thanks !!?,
yes it is very raw....but you all are soo inspirational! I hope...man I hope I get strong like you all too! My 16 year old daughter last nite had a breakdown saying she misses her dad sooo much,,,, this semester in school is terrible and she of all things is worried about family pictures at Christmas...we will only be 3 and not 4! Everyone in her class talks about " their parents" and she is soooo missing her dad!
So today I'm taking her out of school and we are going to attempt some Christmas shopping! OMG....hubby loved to Christmas shop! He was amazing and did most of it....so..... I will need strength on top if strength!! Our son is different....he keeps everything inside..I asked him to come with us but he just looked at me and rolled his eyes... Lol. but he sure stepped up to the plate in being the man of the house! I'm so proud of him..... But at such a young age of 18.... It's not fair that he needs that responsibility to look after me and the house! But man I love them both for being so strong! I can LEARN from them!!

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

14 Dec 2013, 5:53 PM

Hi Sickness,

How did the shopping go?
Thinking of you.
Colleen

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Reply by worried daughter

15 Dec 2013, 3:05 PM

Hugs to all struggling through this holiday season. I lost my Mom at the end of June and I would say I have not really took the time to grieve...I find I run through that last week or so in my dreams with the same ending everytime...she was alone. I struggle with that and guilt. We got through Thanksgiving by inviting some wonderful friends that changed things up some. For Christmas I have purchased both of my daughters and I a special ornament for our trees, which we have done for all that have gone on before us. We will have a candle burning all day for those we have lost as well. Last year was very stressful because my mom was not well enough to join us and would not have us come to her.We all offered to pick her up etc. This year I will not have that stress and she is front and centre on the fireplace as I have decided to scatter her ashes on Mother's Day.This year she can watch over all the the kids while they skate on the creek, rip open presents and we will toast her each in our own unique way.We will continue with old traditions and possibly start new ones. My mom stopped loving Christmas after her parents died..I will not do that to my girls and grandsons....It is a wonderful joyful season and we can share stories of past holidays shared..There will be pain & sorrow but we must try and allow some joy to slip in..We need to not only embrace those we have lost ,but those we still have. From my little family to yours we wish you strenght,joy,love, laughter and healing tears. Hugs to all Luv Tracy

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Reply by KathCull_admin

15 Dec 2013, 10:49 PM

Hi Tracy
I am new in this community, but looking back on your postings to Frustrated was helpful for me get to know you a little better. Thank you for sharing your plans for Christmas this year - your words paint a wonderful picture Tracy.

My sympathy to you in the loss of your mom. It sounds like your plate has been full this past year (and more). Two other members have lost a parent in the last year
Embee Gone 6 months and I still feel empty
and Andreadzel Losing my Mom - Taking this so hard

Your words of feelings of guilt and memories of your mother's last week are powerful. What helps - are there people, words, or something else that has made the road a little less bumpy? Look forward to hearing from you again.

Take care Tracy - sending you tight hugs across the miles
Katherine

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Reply by NatR

23 Dec 2013, 12:57 AM

Hi worried daughter, Tracy,

your note brings a touch of hope and moving forward, thank you.

you are remembering your mom with candles, memories and plans for the future, scattering her ashes.

i do hope that your Christmas is warm and the fact that you have ornaments on the tree in honour of your mom.

sending you a hug:)
best wishes and the very best for the New Year,
NatR

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