Hi Cathy,
Thank you for sharing your story. It's interesting how our upbringing has such an impact on our entire lives. I grew up with an abusive dad who took his anger out on my mom when I was young and as the years went by he verbally abused me. My brother learned that the way to get by was to run away when things got bad(he was older) but I was the one who stood up and roared. Over the years I became my mom's protector and stood up to my dad when he was cruel. That doesn't mean that I was a strong person, I was actually a very gentle, sensitive person and still bear the emotional scars from it all.
My brother and I were very close for many years. He was always viewed as the golden boy and I was just the trouble maker who it seemed no matter what I did that was good was never recognized. He did so little for our parents but was always admired for the little things he did. I was always there doing things for them but never felt like it really counted for anything. It didn't bother me so much back then because we were the best of friends. Things changed when he married the woman he is with now, they've been together for over 20 years, and her whole focus in life is money and power. She caused so many issues with the females in our family throughout the years but did it in such a sneaky way and my brother hid his head in the sand so that he didn't see what she was doing. Of course the mouthy side of me just couldn't not react to the things she did so I was the bad guy for standing up and roaring. It got worse throughout the years as she lost her mom, then her dad, and did something when her dad passed away that caused her brother to cut the cord and never speak to her again. She also lost her best friend around that time due to the issue with her brother. When I asked my brother what had happened, he said he had no idea. She has alienated many people in her life but consoles herself with money and power. She tried many ways to get control over my parents finances but my mom wouldn't go for it. When my mom was having heart issues, she sucked up to my dad because she knew that we didn't have the best relationship and I think she figured she could push me out. It was so obvious that even my dad started to wonder what she was doing. Anyway, my dad passed away first while my brother was off on a cruise that he didn't want to go on because of my dad's health issues. Len jumped in and took care of my mom and all of the paperwork that followed. Anyway, since then my brother has become extremely emotionally detached from everything. I think he is consumed with guilt and has spent the past almost 6 years thinking he is dying from something and has just become a shell of himself. Anyway, it's a long compicated thing but once our mom passed away he was incapable of being any kind of support to me. In the beginning he came over once in awhile to do a few little things around here but always had to say something negative against Len. I think he got scared off because every time he did that, something would happen here to startle him. As we went through the process of dealing with my mom's estate he became incredibly focused on 'assets' and was angry that we were both named executor's of the will. I believe it was his greedy wife talking in his ear. So, on top of the pain of loss I have had to deal with a cold, selfish brother.
What I know now is that I have learned a strength that I didn't think possible. He sits back with his money and power and I have to sell my home to get out of debt and relocate myself and my daughters. He blew our inheritance money on a fancy lawyer (He was able somehow to hire a lawyer without my signature as co-executor) and blocked me all the way along from knowing what was going on. I found this out just before Christmas and we have sent heated emails back and forth since then. Yes, of course I am the bad guy for speaking up.
Although I am not a religious person, I am spiritual and have worked very hard to let things go and not allow them to eat me up any longer. Walking away from him and his cruelty was the toughest but was best for my peace of mind, and for my daughters. I'm sure he thinks he is the winner.
As for the issues he had with Len, I think it is a form of jealousy. Len was an alcoholic but had 16 years of sobriety behind him. He followed the steps closely and did make amends for many things he had done. He was strong willed but as my brother pointed out to me one time, never in a malicious way. He did so much for so many people in the years we were together including taking on anything that my parents needed since my brother found it to be an inconvenience to him. He wasn't a perfect person but he tried hard to do the right thing. My dad was a jerk to him but he never let it bother him and would run over in the middle of the night if he had a fall to make sure he was alright and get him back into bed.
I so understand your need to not be vulnerable to other people's cruelness. I now only surround myself with people who make me feel good and support me. I have learned so much about this since my losses and although I don't have a large circle of people around me, I have people that I can trust wholeheartedly. They mean so much to me. In time I may let some of the people who caused me pain back into my life but that will be when I am healed and able to deal better with their insensitivity. I am a survivor and it sounds like you are too.
Hugs,
Tracie