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Reply by lilbear

09 Apr 2014, 1:38 PM

Thanks for the reply, Tracie.

I keep wondering about counselling, but I have to admit it sort of scares me.

I do feel very alone and like nobody really understands. Perhaps I do need to share some of this load I am carrying.

Funny enough, I just received a letter from our local hospice informing me of their upcoming grief support groups. I'm unsure about the group setting....but I am now considering it. I suppose if it truly isn't working out for me, I can stop going. Maybe it will be what I need or at least the start of what I need.

Thank you for your input!

I am going to make the call.....

Paula

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Reply by lilbear

09 Apr 2014, 1:43 PM

I'm back! LOL!

I did it!!! I am starting the grief recovery group April 28.

I feel a little proud of myself for actually taking this step to seek some help. :)

Paula

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Reply by marstin

09 Apr 2014, 2:40 PM

Hi Paula,

That first step is the toughest one and you should be proud of yourself for taking it. I'm so glad that you made that call. We all have to heal at our own pace and sometimes just being with people who are going through the same thing helps us to realize that we're not alone. Grief is a lonely thing when we think no one else really understands how bad we feel. When I joined my group I was really nervous and afraid that I would break down in front of everyone. What I learned was that it was okay to do that and we all feel so relieved to be surrounded by people who actually get how painful this all is and accept each others broken spirits. We forge a bond and through all of the tears there is laughter. I never thought that I would laugh again but it is happening more and more these days.

I thought of you yesterday when I was waiting in my doctor's office for test results that I was afraid to hear. I nearly had a panic attack. Normally my Mom would have been with me, we were such a tag team, or at the very least I would have been able to talk to Len before my visit so that he could keep me calm. It made me feel your nervousness about being alone getting your wisdom tooth taken out. How we depended on our loved ones to be there to support us. This time it was my oldest daughter with me and I didn't want to show how scared I was. That of course made me think of how nervous my Mom or Len probably was at times while they waited for results that might not be good. No wonder I was such a mess. Silly as it may seem, I was relieved when he told me that most of my tests were good except that they noticed what may be a slight bulge on one of the arteries to my heart so they want to do further testing. I nearly danced out of the office. It wasn't the big C that I feared it might be. Only then did I share my fears with my daughter. I realized that it's time to start taking better care of myself. I owe it to my family and I deserve to feel whole again. So do you!

I hope you find a glimmer of happiness in today as you realize that you have taken a step toward healing.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by marstin

20 Apr 2014, 2:31 PM

Hi Paula,

I've been thinking about you all week and thought I would drop you a line to see how you are doing. Do you celebrate Easter at your house? Are your kids young enough to still believe in the easter bunny? Today we are going to my niece's for dinner. I bought the turkey and she will come here so that we can clean and stuff it then place it in my mom's old roaster for her to take home with her. That way we'll feel like mom is still part of the festivities but with a few tweaks. The stuffing will be different, many of the people we'll be eating with will be different, but the meaning will stay the same. My mom always loved any special occasion to bring the family together and I just know that she will be with us today.

I hope today brings you some happiness and laughter as you spend time with your family. Just know that you are thought of.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by lilbear

24 Apr 2014, 7:31 PM

Hi Tracie,

We had a pleasant Easter, thanks! We went to my brother's overnight and enjoyed the Easter Bunny hunt on Easter morning together. My daughter, who is 7, still believes and her brother (14) and cousin (12) were great at playing along.

We then went to my brothers in-laws for dinner. It was a nice get together and with the kids and the company it didn't leave me much time to dwell on anything. It's hard to believe that this time last year my whole world was falling apart....

I have thought often about your story of waiting at the Doctors and how it must have felt for our loved ones. How sad isn't it? I feel the worst when I think of my Dad having to go through that so much. My Mother was totally different and had no time to contemplate what was happening. I think, perhaps, she was the more fortunate for the swiftness of her illness.

I start my grief recovery group on Monday. I am very nervous and looking forward to it too. I think I have to remember that it isn't going to magically "fix" me. :)

In the last month, I have had 3 people express to me that they were concerned that I did not or am not taking the time for me that I probably need to. They are afraid that I just rushed back into the business, etc. Their concern is that I am not allowing myself to grieve.

I am worried about them being right, but I really don't know. I think I am doing okay, but maybe I am bottling it all up....what will happen when it comes out? In hidsight, I think I did go back to work too fast, but I didn't want to spend my days sitting at home just thinking. I needed something normal to do. Plus, bills had to be paid!

It's hard to say if one is "grieving" properly...we are all so different.

I hope you are doing well...it is certainly nice to have some sunny days again!

Take care,

Paula

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Reply by marstin

24 Apr 2014, 8:30 PM

Hi Paula,

I'm so glad that you had a fun Easter surrounded by family members. Ours was so much fun too and included my brother's ex-wife and her husband. It was almost like the old days. My daughters weren't thrilled about going but I said that we had to make the effort to keep the family things happening and that it would be different but it was our new way of life.

It is so sad to think of how our loved ones suffered and what it must have felt like to them to know that they were losing the battle. I can still hear my mom saying that she needed to help me through my grief after Len passed away and me reassuring her that she just had to get better and get out of the hospital to be able to do that. I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to happen. It was like a movie that I was in and the outcome wouldn't be a good one.

I remember how nervous I was at my first meeting and I nearly backed out. What I found was that we were all feeling just as vulnerable and how easily everyone cried. As time has gone on there are many of the same people there and it's easy to see how far we have come and for the new people we are able to be a crutch and help them along. It doesn't instantly happen but just being with people who are walking the same path, brings so much comfort. Although our circumstances are all so different, there are so many things that we can all relate to. I think that you will be amazed at how good it feels to pour it out to like minded people.

I wonder if the reason we throw ourselves into being busy is because we need to allow our grief to just come in trickles. Maybe it takes longer to find our way to our new normal because our brains won't allow us to take it all in at once. It's hard to separate the losses so we have to do it on a gradual basis. I know that yesterday I had an appointment with some bankers (my nephew came with me) and they asked if I planned on going back to work. I thought about it and said that I probably would take a year off to just relax a bit and heal. After clearing out 2 houses, the mountains of paperwork to deal with (I'm still not done), dealing with all of the things that Len used to look after, and learning things that I never wanted to learn, I think that a break is important. Truthfully, even having a small vacation once we find a new place to live will probably be what will happen. Then I can figure out the rest of my life. Do you think that you will be able to take the family and go on a bit of a holiday this year? Just something that will allow you to take some time for yourself and just breathe.

It's a wet and windy day here on the coast of BC. We've been getting quite a bit of sunshine which has been great for finding happiness in the smallest of things. Even just looking at the flowers popping up or laughing at my nosy neighbor who wants to 'help' me clear things away from my driveway by giving me advice, makes me smile. I feel calmer and less easily frazzled.

I hope your day is going smoothly and that the sun is shining down on you.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by marstin

04 May 2014, 2:54 PM

Hi Paula,

I've been thinking about you all week and wondering how your first session went. I remember how difficult it was for me the first time to walk into a room of strangers.

I was reminded this week that I have one more session before I have to say goodbye to all of the friends that I have made this past year at my meetings. I had to ask myself if I was ready for it and realized that I think I am. I will miss meeting up with these people who through sharing have become friends but I believe that I am ready to move forward in my life. This group has helped so much.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by Mark99

04 May 2014, 4:34 PM

For me counseling or being involved in group or online as in here was about the clarification of my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, my past, and future. I believe that inside our minds we have these conversations where we talk to people who are not there whether alive or not. Those conversations are in a sense useless because it becomes a loop. A tape repeating infinitely with no end. To speak with someone friend, HCP, SM, etc. is to create reflection through experiences and to find new knowledge to help advance that tape into new areas.

This is how we learn, adapt, move forward, put things into perspective. We as humans are little hope machines and without context afforded by discussion and sharing and learning our hope becomes less as in hopeless. That stupid line “If you talk the talk you got to walk the walk" for me means if we talk we can walk forward.

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Reply by lilbear

04 May 2014, 10:29 PM

Hello!
Well, I am happy to say that the meeting went well. I was a bit nerved up going in. I kept waiting for them to start making me cry. I was still hesitant about sharing in the group, but it wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be like. I am the youngest there it seems but it makes no difference. The leader is very warm and genuine and I think I will enjoy what they have planned.
Tomorrow I am to bring in pictures of my parents. Trying to decide which picture or pictures is tough. Every picture holds such attachment and emotions. I want to share them all...I want to show everyone there that this is what I have lost...these two great people!
I connected with a lady I sat beside and we each recognized each other. She is a waitress at a restaurant we go to sometimes. Even just that made me realize how much you just never know what someone else is going through when you meet them throughout your day.
Our feelings regarding our loss and dealing with the new challenges going forth have so much in common...
I am still a bit nervous, but kind of looking forward to tomorrow's meeting. It's my time. I actually have taken some time for me...and I am proud of that.
I have decided that I will be closed this week at my store...the anniversary of my Mothers death is May 8, so I was going to close that day for sure. But, then, my son has a competition on Saturday and with Mother's day coming on....I think I will be better just taking the time away, and not putting more stress on myself.
Thank you for checking in with me.
Paula

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Reply by marstin

05 May 2014, 5:51 PM

Hi Paula,

That first step is the toughest but you did it! Strangely enough it doesn't seem to matter what your age is, the common bond makes it work. I think that in my group we were always amazed at the fact that other people were dealing with issues similar to our own and this would spark new discussions. I think the key to it all is knowing that we are not alone in our pain.

Often you will meet people in life that are so kind and compassionate and with the brightest smiles. Many of those are people that have suffered huge losses and have come through it all with a better understanding of others. Loss for the most part makes us better people. I would guess that your waitress friend is one of those people.

It's great that you have taken time off for yourself. Earning money takes care of expenses but at a huge cost to your mental well being while you are grieving. That you are able to realize that you count too is a sign that you are moving forward. We tend to learn a lot about ourselves during this process and we grow in many ways.

I hope your meetings bring you a sense of relief and comfort.

Hugs.
Tracie

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