Oh my gawd!!  I am such a loser!!!!!! My wrist is still numb from the painfully tight handcuffs I was in. I hope the feeling in my wrist will come back.  I nearly got taken to jail. I got a ride in the back of a police car handcuffed and then thankfully taken to my mothers who took custody of me. I am so sorry  and shocked and ashamed and scared out of my mind. I've been trying to put myself back together and reaching out for more help.  I was so stupid to not reach out for more help. My counselor told me I had compassionate fatigue but I didn't want to believe it. He showed me how I was at risk when I blame myself and try to pretend the situation is not as seriously painful as it is.  I had no idea I was going to crash and burn.

A couple weeks ago I drank without my partner knowing.  It felt so good to numb the emotional pain.  . A few days later I drank again hiding the drinks from my partner again.  The next week I drank again but this time a lot more.  My partner tried to take away my drink and physically restrained me.  I got so angry that he was holding my arms from drinking more and I started blacking out after that. His father came over and tried to reason with me.  I've been holding all that anger in and apparently I am told it came out.  I am told I pushed his father down and called him an old man and spit at him. I remember being so angry in the back of the police car and banging my head against the bars thinking how could I be the one who was in trouble when I have been suffering all these months. Also, I'm the one who stupidly called the police because my partner was restraining me.  I"m the one who asked that my partners father come over because the situation was getting out of hand.  

That was 3 days ago. 

Honestly, I'm so darned lucky I didn't get thrown in jail. My partner tells me he talked the policeman into taking me to my mothers instead of taking me to jail.  All these months of negative pain, sorrow, grief, anger, exhaustion, frustration, forced patience, fear and all those other awful feelings that come with caregiving and end of life events all came bursting out without inhibition.  To make things even more strange my mother offered me more to drink and then asked me if I wanted to commit suicide with her and that she had the means to do it. It freaked me out. I reached out to my sister who I hadn't talked to in about 6 months and she began telling me about how her ex boyfriend was involved in a murder that she witnessed. I thought to myself what is going on?!!  Its all so bizarre. Even tv shows don't get this weird. I have to be careful about reaching out to family for help.  I don't know them well enough even when I thought I did. 

I've reached out for more help and seen another counselor today since my regular counselor is on holidays. I joined a "cancer clubhouse" yesterday that I can go to every day if I need to  and am waiting for a call back for a counselor who specializes in the type of cancer my partner has. I've been keeping close contact with one of girlfriends. I know I've burned out  and somehow I've got to pull myself back together fast.

I went today with my partner to the cancer clinic. I hate that place. He drove home but he was falling asleep at the wheel and pulling at his shoulder belt like he was dreaming.  I was scared and I mentioned this to him and he said he was okay just a little tired, probably just the fumes.  Something was wrong.  I was so angry at him.  I told him I should drive but he wouldn't let me.  I didn't know what to do. We got home safely. It was so hard to go back to his constant complaining and trying to be patient and understanding...so hard to have to suppress my own hurt and to continue to hold in the fear and grief and awkwardness of what happened.  He mentioned that the neighbours had complained to the caretaker about the other night. I was so deeply ashamed and embarrassed and frustrated.  I needed his understanding and forgiveness. I told him I had to go and I've left.  I feel so unappreciated and misunderstood.  I have given of myself as best as I could and I failed miserably.  I don't know if I will go back.  I don't know if he'll take me back. I feel like such a two headed freak. 

I feel so scared for him.  I think he's getting sicker with the way he was driving today and the way he was struggling to breathe at night. I don't know if things can ever go back to the way they were. Things were a lot better before this happened.   I'm so desperately heartsick this evening.

What a journey.  My deep gratitude goes out to each and every one of you for the unfailing support you have given me through your wisdom, compassion and undeserved kindness.  Truly each one of you have made this site a powerful and sacred place.

At a time when I was most vulnerable and weak, a time when I thought my world had ended, you were there.  Your words gave and continue to give me strength, hope, direction and courage. I have learned so much this past week.   I have experienced the necessity and power of forgiveness. I realize that all the tender words in our language are not just there as polite niceties but are actually essential for us as human beings. In practice they have the ability to transport a person out of the depths of hell and bring us back to a place of peace and stability. Communication, caring, kindness, community, compassion, reconciliation, courage, patience....the list goes on and on. I think I'm beginning to understand what is meant by spirituality.

I had to face my partner's father after what happened.  I was so scared.   I looked at him in the eyes and said, " I am so sorry" and hid my face in my hands. I couldn't say anymore.  He simply took my hand and said, "It's just the circumstances, but thanks for the thought". He held my hand and we just walked for awhile.  What a wise, gracious, classy human being! I am sooooooo lucky to have him in my life.  Just as I am so lucky to have my partner in my life.  They have and continue to bring a steadiness and peace into my life even after I upset the applecart.

I'm so blessed to have the community of help around me. I've reached out to so many places this week and all were there in some way to help me get back on my feet. I realize it is vitally essential that I stay connected to the community because as soon as I begin to feel I am alone I lose my balance. I find such comfort and strength in "being in the same terrible boat" as every one else who is facing the horrors of this  profound boat ride.