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Reply by Tian

07 Jul 2012, 11:15 AM

Dear Bizzy

So glad to see the change in tenor in your last post from the preceding one. But I think the boat ride extends beyond the situation with your partner. We're all in the boat navigating through the sea of life. Being there for each other comes with the ticket. Helluva ride. Hang in there.

Tian

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Reply by NatR

07 Jul 2012, 5:12 PM

Dear Bizzy,

So glad to read your note today! Sounds like you are on the way up the other side of the storm cloud you have been in.
Jeep talking, keep reaching out, honoured to be part of the network that is helping you to stay floating!

We all pretty much understand your situation, I for sure understand how being inside the storm blinds your vision and keeps you from finding your way!

Together we are stronger - and by that I mean the support team we have around us on the ground, online, and it does help!

If you can listen to that song by Kelly Carlson - Stronger - it's inspiring!
Thinking of you today and hoping you can continue to focus on how important you are to your partner and your close circle!
Proud of you!!
NatR ;)

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Reply by NatR

07 Jul 2012, 5:13 PM

Not jeep but keep!!!! Sorry

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Reply by Cath1

08 Jul 2012, 1:14 PM

Dear Bizzy:

Your post is a beautiful testament to the fact that a day really cann make a difference! I am happy and relieved to hear that you are sounding more hopeful. You need to keep accessing all avenues of support including professional and informal sources alike while you are in this situation with your partner and to help you face the final day with him and all the days without him that will follow.

Your partner's Dad sounds like a very sweet man and I'm happy you had to good sense to aspologize to him face to face. That is never easy but it is necessary for forgiveness to take place and for your healing process to begin.

Bizzy, I can tell by your writing that you have a keen mind and are a deep thinker. I can also see how immersed you are with your partner and his illness. I hope when you seek help from the professionals especially that you will really focus on the issues you have been dealing with in yourself and in your own separate life as well because you will need to be stronger than ever when you must face life on your own without him.

I am most concerned for you and about you in terms of your personal support system. What happened with your Mom really needs to be addressed and analyzed thoroughly for your own sake. When your partner passes away, to whom will you be able to turn in your immediate family and circle of friends that will be strong with you and for you? I know that right now your main focus is on your partner but I hope you will identify the safe people in your life to whom you will be able to count on to be there for you when you are at your most vulnerable.

You should not have to worry that your sensitivities will be exploited or your feelings of despair be encouraged or enabled. You mentioned that you have been in touch with a good friend throughout the time of your recent troubles and I hope s/he was able to give you loving guidance. From what you described previously about how your Mom handled the situation, it causes me to wonder if she has some serious issues of her own and that perhaps she is not able to support you in the best and healthiest way. I am not trying to dampen your renewed enthusiasm, but I think you need to confront honestly your situation so that you will never again be at the mercy of others who are not best equipped to help you when you most need it.

Life can as you know well seem to spontaneously combust and take us with it in an instant. We all need tried and true sources of security and support in our lives when life's volatilities suddenly erupt. I am hoping you will continue to seek out these optimal sources and that you will be able to rely upon them. You need and deserve to identify all safe harbours so that when the next storm hits you will know your way there before the waves crash over you. Wishing you all the best as your continue to navigate your way to calm waters and a safe shore.

With affection -hugs -xo
Cath1

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Reply by Bizzy

11 Jul 2012, 4:31 AM

There's been an important and significant change come over me this week. I seem to have emotionally or psychologically come through to an acceptance of my partner's coming death and also to an acceptance in witnessing his dying process from now to the end. I didn't clearly realize the fight going on inside of me in accepting my partner's coming death and didn't understand the ensuing unhealthy behaviours I engaged in as I tried to cope with what was and is happening. I had no idea it was possible to come to a place of peace and strength.
Many years ago my little girl died what I thought was an ugly death from cancer after a 2 year round of chemo, sickening pain and invasive procedures. Up until this last week I still carried strong feelings and thoughts from that traumatic experience...the powerlessness against a serious injustice in the universe, the perverse abnormality of a too soon death and the frightening sickening physical suffering that had to be. I was protesting her death and suffering and in doing so protesting his as well. I am no longer protesting.
I have come to see the reality of death. It is inevitable for every one of us. Now, I see it as normal. When death happened outside of the usual expected pattern of growing old, this significantly affected my view of reality. Sharing with others who are going through this same experience has tipped my view of death and it has become normal, acceptable and inevitable. There is a lingering yet permanent peace inside of me.

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Reply by Tian

11 Jul 2012, 9:24 AM

Dear Bizzy

I am still trying to come to grips from your revelation about your little girl. What a burden you have been carrying! I think you are a stronger person than I am. The acceptance you have come to is truly remarkable. You're not just a winner, you're a champion.

Tian

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Reply by NatR

11 Jul 2012, 12:17 PM

Dear Bizzy,

What a revelation you have given. Now the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place.
I am so sorry about your daughter. That is a difficult, impossible place to be - watching your child pass.

Your writing tone has changed and it is obvious that you have found a way to deal with all of the feelings inside of you.

Instead of you reaching out to us for understanding and help - I feel that the tables have turned and now I have learned an important lesson from you about life, death, acceptance and getting through.

Its more about letting it all happen - and not fighting it.
I think your words will resonate with me today and for many days.

Like you I have to learn that acceptance and realize we just have to let what happens, happen.

Thinking of you today and grateful that you have shared your feelings and insight with us all.
Hugs,
NatR

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Reply by Brayden

11 Jul 2012, 1:46 PM

Dear Bizzy,
What a powerful message you brought us. Your revelation has just taken you on a higher plain than you have been on for some time. Telling us about the deepest pain a mother can have, having her child die, was a piece of the puzzle in your life. You continue to draw me into the depth of your soul. I am delighted to now start feeling some of that peace that you have. You have blessed my day.
Brayden

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Reply by Cath1

17 Jul 2012, 4:41 AM

Dear Bizzy:

Your last post left me completely speechless and incapable of writing to you a proper reply. I hope you will understand that it is not from a lack of care for you that I have waited to write, but as a mother myself your heartbreaking disclosure about the loss of your child genuinely crippled me the moment I read it. I was completely at a loss for words that could tell you how I felt then and still feel for you. I’m still at a loss. I’m so sorry I was not able to be there for you, Bizzy, but I am grateful that Tian, NatR, and Brayden were more than able to express their empathy and communicate their feelings and give you their steadfast support!

Even now tonight as I begin to respond to you, I cannot imagine that my words, even as culled from the depths of my heart, can adequately express to you the sadness I feel for the heartaches you endure. I often think about you, Bizzy, and I hope you will come back and update us on how things are going for you and for your partner as your difficult journey continues together.

For what it is worth, in my experience, I have found that in times of crisis feelings fluctuate. If the inner peace you have so recently discovered is momentarily disrupted and you find that you need a safe place to turn with people who will remind you how strong you are and how sweet, please know we are all still here for you, to listen and to care, even in the silence that sometimes accompanies a sorrowful heart, we hear you. I hope you can hear how my heart feels for you always even when words fail me and I fail you.

With affection –hugs- xo
Cath1

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Reply by Bizzy

02 Aug 2012, 7:37 AM

Today we went to the cancer clinic to find out how fast the cancer in my partner's lungs was progressing. We were trying to gauge how much time we had left as his prognosis has been measured in months.

My head is still spinning. You can't make this stuff up!

The doctor showed us the CT scan and the cancer has shrunk and in some places completely disappeared. Huh?!!

Seems that through a series of mishaps, mistakes and desperation the CT scan results ended up being read by a doctor who just happened to know about Valley fever. He said that there is a remote possibility that what is in my partner's lungs is a fungus indigenous to Arizona. It just happens that my partner lived in Arizona for 30 years before coming back home to Canada a few years ago. The fungus mimics lung cancer and from what I've read many people have had parts of thejir lung removed just to find out after it was Valley fever and not cancer.

He is being referred to a lung specialist for further investigation.

I have been emotionally/psychologically/spiritually preparing to face my partner's death, gaining strength and courage and insight....and then this. A 180 degree turn...maybe...or maybe not...or maybe its both cancer and Valley fever. We've both been in shock all day. A good shock...I think. I don't know. I can't help but feel hope. I'm too scared to consider that this might be a false lead. When I look back there is so much that can be explained by Valley fever. The empyema after radiation. The unusually long post radiation recovery. The swollen legs and other symptoms. My partner is more cautious. He doesn't want to be disappointed.

They successfully got rid of the cancer in his throat and the cancer in his lungs was untreatable. They never did a biopsy on the cancer in his lungs. They must have assumed the tumors in his lungs were from the primary throat cancer. I know the throat tumour was diagnosed correctly because a section was sent for histological staining and examination. I hope that it was diagnosed properly.

I am trying very hard to not think about things because I know I will just bust up and cry. It feels like it did when we were first told he only had months to live. I feel like I'm in a dream but this time its not a nightmare.

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