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Reply by NatR
02 Aug 2012, 3:18 PM

Dear Winter,
I agree with everyone else...one day at a time...keep doing what you are doing.  Its so hard when your mom cannot understand how sick she has been and keeps going in and out of her really painful times.  

You are doing what is right.
Sending you strength:)
Sincerely,NatR 
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Reply by claudia c
02 Aug 2012, 4:09 PM

Dear Tammy,
It's so wonderful for all of us to know your name.  And for you to go from thinking/naming yourself 'Winter' to being you - Tammy! I think this is a real sign that you are truly beginning to change your outlook on your self - most importantly, and on your relationship with your mother.
I love the idea of you taking your mother's photo and recording your conversations.  You are so right  - this will bring you comfort in the future always being able to 'hear' her voice.  I started saving some of my Mom's voice messages from as early as 5 years ago when her voice was still stong and her thinking clear.
The other thing I would encourage you to do is ask your mother to tell you stories - about her growing up, being a teenager, what she thinks about 'the good old days', what's better now, her hopes and dreams and disappointments too.  It will give you a real sense of sharing and if you write down her stoies it will be a something very valuable to pass on to your son.
I know I haven't written for a while, but I read all your exchanges and think of you often.
Best,
ClaudiaC
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Reply by Cath1
02 Aug 2012, 4:20 PM

Hi Tammy (winter):Smile 

Thanks for starting out your message with a smile - I love emoticons - and your smile put a big grin on my face this morning!!:) I imagine that when your Mom sees you with her that your presence is precisely why she brightens up those times of day you mention! You are for sure the best part of her day!

When my Mom was dying, my aunt assured me every time I returned to my Mom's hospital room after going out for a smoke that she could see the love for me in my mother's eyes, even when she could no longer say "I love you". My children would reiterate this same observation and that made me feel so good to know. Isn't it wonderful how others can see and assure us about what we sometimes think we see only because we wish to? I know your Mom is super thrilled to have you with her and I know this not only because of my experience as a daughter, but also as a mother myself!

It's great that your husband is able to get a break to spend some time "brother time" and I'm sure he will return to you and your Mom a little more rested and refreshed!

I know what you mean about not wanting to lay too much harsh reality on your Mom when she feels confused about her circumstance. My Mom had dementia and I recall midway during the week when she was dying that I stayed up literally all night talking quietly to her every time she opened her eyes. I was beginning at that point to accept the possibility that my Mom may in fact be dying and I needed to express my deepest feelings of love for her and to assure her that I would be okay without her. Suddenly, her eyes looked so sad and I could see a tear slowly trickle down her cheek and it broke my heart. I felt like I may have snatched from her the hope to which we both desperately needed to hold on. I felt like I had said too much or had frightened her. I then spoke again of hope and how we didn't know what the outcome would be for certain but that she could rely on the fact that she was in God's hands and would always be in my heart and with me no matter what! I remember how my soft assurances to her about how deeply loved and appreciated she was, how special and irreplaceable to me and my brothers, our children and her family was she and those genuine words of love gave her comfort which in turn comforted me.

Tammy, you are doing everything you can to love your Mom and to be there for her as each moment brings new challenges and change. It is so hard to remain strong and to endure such such a long and heartbreaking situation as the one your Mom and you are in but you will always know that despite her fears and yours you stood up to them and faced them with her and this will be her lasting comfort in the end, and yours.

You quite frankly you amaze me, Tammy! I am with you as are we all in spirit and in hope for a better day to come for your Mom in the next life and for you and your family in the future. Wishing you peace and love and saying my prayers for your Mom and you and your family.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1    

     

    
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Reply by Cath1
02 Aug 2012, 4:58 PM

Dear ClaudiaC:

I have missed you and I didn't notice your message to Tammy (winter) until after I posted mine. I just want to say welcome back and I'm so glad to see you writing here again!:) Our Virtual Hospice community is strengthened by you!

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1     
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Reply by winter
04 Aug 2012, 4:54 AM

Undecidedhi not doing too good today....

Aug 3 Friday was my 40th birthday...

It started off not being too bad, but well decided to see mom, which i had this feeling that i should not go up....well my visit started off to my surprise well to see mom in a 24 hour period her upper body so swollen....oh my god my heart sunk....and then as i do most or all of the talking tears filled my eyes as i for the first time ever, seen the whites of moms eye almost glowing yellow....tears streamed down my face....in horror.....

i know i am to expect the unexpected with her, but it really floored me.....

the nurses told me that over nite they had to start putting in needles with tubes to drain fluid from her legs and her arms....

my gosh what more does she have to take....tears filled my eyes...

this sorta ruined my day....

i left there to a friend who i had from high school well we have been emailing and chatting since the last 3 yrs....which is nice, she has alot of problems, health and relationship wise....and i have been there with her and now she is trying to help me...as best as she can....we meet and she took me out for breakie and she payed, and this is a big deal cause she is on a disability....and her money is well always accounted for...but...anyways....it is had to explain...well we had breakie, but well we were interrupted a million times by her parents, but that is normal....lol....

but i started my panick attackes right after lunch...and they put me to bed all day, my hubby was upset...and well lost it...which did not help...but i can't help my attacks....i feel better now....thank god...but we did not and well i mean the boys wanted to take me out for supper....but well...my son understood....

it took hours but my hubby understood...finally....about 9pm....he is really worried about me.....i understand...honestly i do....time will heal me....i know this....i healed myself when i lost my dad, 4yrs ago...it took time....

i know some people a parents death well they can put it behind them, and move on....

yes i think i can say i over think things.....yes i do....

thank god for my friends also on facebook....i got about 80 happy birthdays, and not just the words, but under the circumstances tammy try to have a good birthday....so that was a surprise as to how many of them read what i write there....

and to know that so many people care...is wonderful....

knowing that i can let my secret thoughts on this site, out is wonderful.....and helps me, where i can only say so much....only the basics....there......but to have them say the wonderful things they did today made my heart ease with the pain, maybe i should have read them earlier....then just a hour ago....

to you all, thank you

you all are so caring and wonderful....and wise.....thank you...for your heart and your sleeve, when i need to shed a tear,....with no judging.....or i told you so.....thank you...
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Reply by Tian
04 Aug 2012, 12:41 PM

Dear Tammy

Circumstances prevented you from celebrating your birthday as you normally would. No surprise. But your birthday showed that there are a lot of people who care for you. You really are not alone.

It's very difficult to watch a body shut down even if it is not a loved one. There may be more painful changes in store from you. But with all the changes that is still your mother there and you must continue to treat her as your mother. But don't feel guilty if you get panic attacks. It's another one of those things you can't control. You can only do the best you can.

Tian 
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Reply by Tian
04 Aug 2012, 12:42 PM

in store for you not from you
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Reply by Cath1
04 Aug 2012, 12:55 PM

Good morning Tammy (winter):

Happy 40th Birthday! Laughing 

Tammy, I know it was hard for you to fully appreciate or actually celebrate you on your special milestone given the circumstances with your Mom, but I'm glad you were able to at least spend a few moments over breakfast with your friend and that your Facebook friends came through for you with messages of love and encouragement, as well. Of course your husband and son love you and wanted to treat you to a special birthday dinner, but after the shock of seeing your Mom in such a bad way it's understandable that you succumbed to feelings of panic and the emotional fireworks that erupted between you and your hubby put another damper on your special day.

You and your family have been living under such strain for so long now and birthdays - especially the big ones - are sentimental times in our lives and this birthday for you likely brought to the surface your deepest emotions and heightened your feelings of sadness about your Mom. As you are expected to celebrate your life - where you've been and where your headed at 40 - you are simultaneously having to come to grips with the unbearable fact that your Mom, the mother you love and who raised you and loved you and who is an inseparable and influential part of your life and history will not be with you in your future. That is an extremely painful and difficult thing to accept.

I'm sure your Mom would have given you the biggest birthday hug had she been able to, Tammy and she would have told you how she cherishes you as she has all of your precious life, even when she couldn't always tell you or show you in the way you may have needed, she would tell you how very proud of you she feels! You are a treasured gift to your Mom - always!
 
If life was fair your Mom would not be so ill and dying and you would not have to witness her deterioration and instead of being in a hospital visiting with her on your birthday you would be having cake and ice cream together in your home with your family and sharing a few laughs. Life is unfair, Tammy as you have sadly learned while still so young, and it is random the way it suddenly delivers to us the hardest knocks. Yet we must never forget that for all of life's unfairness and challenges it also brings to us endless love and blessings to ease our breaking hearts and it presents us with opportunities to grow in compassion and resilience as experience shapes our characters and gifts us with uncommon strength to carry on with hope as our guiding light.

I am sending you a virtual birthday hug along with a wish that you will realize just how very special you are and how very much loved and admired you are by those who know and love you the most - your husband, your son, and your Mom! We in your Virtual Hospice family (your secret society of support:) think you are pretty sweet as well!:-) In fact, we know you are incredible and incredibly inspiring!:-) I lit a candle for you last night and made a wish for you.

With affection -hugs - xo and prayers for you and yours
Cath1        
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Reply by NatR
04 Aug 2012, 2:24 PM

Good morning and Happy Birthday Tammy (winter),

My heart goes out to you as you deal with so many serious issues with your mom deteriorating - and also with your family!

It is very stressful but as the others have said to you, you have friends - and your husband and son doing the best they can to be there for you!

I am glad that the sharing you do with us on the forum is helpful!  We All need a secret place to vent, to rant, to cry, to let the pent up feelings and emotions out!
Just to be heard is important.

You are in my thoughts today!

Keep posting and keep strong!
You are getting lots of virtual Hugs today - from me and the others who write;)

You are going through one of the most difficult times in your life - there is no way around it, you just have to keep going through it.  Your mom needs you, your family needs you, and your friends as well!

Everything we go through in life helps us understand and grow as a person.  I wish I didn't need to learn some of the lessons that life brings us - as it can be very painful.  You are going through that right now, and I empathize with you as you grieve for your mom and watch over her.

You are  strong lady and a great daughteR ;)
Wishing you some rest today!
Dont be afraid to ask for help from your doctor for the temporary effects of stress and fatigue.  It's okay to need a good night sleep in order to get through the days.

We are all human and need strength from each other 
Again, thanks for sharing your journey with us, it is a Privilege to share notes with you on the forum.
Sending you a prayer for strength today

Sincerely
NatR


 
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Reply by winter
04 Aug 2012, 2:47 PM

Cool

Good Morning,

My Panic attacks yes do get the better of me.....

My thoughts do circles around me, 24/7, and yes I know I attempt to let them go....I think as my doctor has said, I is my body, as well as my mind, the two must both be able to be on the same page, before I can heal....

I haven't figured it out...lol, yet, as to out that means....he said the TIME....and TIME alone, he also told me not to let what others, in the negative comments, but to let them fly off my shoulder, cause not two people ever have the same emotional feeling, some deal with death, easier than others, and I myself, right know cannot shut a door to my feelings....He also said it is because I am so caring, and always try to help others, and always put a my feeling aside....so when mine come to light, it might be a day, or it might be a wk, tell my mind and body relax....yes i asked is it depression, ....he flatly said absolutely no!  I was surprised, he said, It is due to my being on a rollercoaster for the last 5 yrs...and things have been just crazy.....and my body it telling me that I need to stop.....The funny thing is this right, I wont be able to stop untell we sort out so much in our life...mom's upcoming death, our home situation, our medical issues, all the surgeries that are required and all the problems that can come of it....the no jobs, due to the car accident, and then court date, and doctors from the other car insurance company, our own car insurance company, my own have secrewed me over...and i am in legal battle with them, and I can't disguss any of it....I mean really how much is one person to deal with it all, I am the one that does all the paper work, I deal with the lawyers, and the doctors...I do all the talking, same with the house situation, I deal with contractors, and house inspectors, i set up dates.....i try to stretch the dollar so my hubby can do what he likes, and that my son has games and stuff....and then food on the table....i mean my hubby is good just he doesn't understand what the stuff is and how to deal with it...he tried once and well it did not go....my hubby said how do you do it....then in time he forgets....oh well i am not complaining.....

I mean my hopes were crushed, when this accident happened, I was going back to school, do become what i wanted to be a nurse.....i was so happy...i couldn't wait.....and because i hadn't sigend the papers which i was 2 wks after my accident happened, i am not intialed to anything, I was and still am considered a housewife....it is not fair....so i don't get anything (money) from the accident, so we live on half or what my hubby made a month, which is so hard....

Thank god the insurance pays for my meds, which are 2000$ month, yes that is what i am on, the is the pain meds, the nerve meds these are all for the pelvic.......I often wonder what kind of damage these drugs will do to me....and will i end up like my mother......really i do, even though i discuss this issue with my doc...i am still concerned.....time wil tell i guess...

the insurance company said that i can to head and not making any more progress by there specialist opinion, and well my physio and massage was cut, which i was getting two times a wk, that is gone, and i can't fight it, it is there specialist over my physio opinion, but well i am the one suffering...i hurt so bad...but i try my best to deal with the tight muscles, and the rest....oh well...

I know i am talking to much.....but this is the other issues i deal with.....so there is so much....

including that i will lose so much....this scares me....i love my family and i will do what i can....i have my dream house put i might lose, honestly i know i will.....i am trying to come to terms with...

well it is time to go to see mom, i am hoping that things are better, but i know things could be worse.....

anyways i am going to take it easy, and just take one minute at a time.....

cath thank you.....for all that say...life is full of hard knocks....lol.......i seem to have more than others............

One foot at a time....the footsteps ahead of me, hoping will lead me in the right path......

 
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