Dear TrueHeart:
There is so much I can relate to in your posts that I don’t know where to begin . . . or to end. I could literally write for days about what you are going through as it brings back many memories of what I went through when my Mom was diagnosed with dementia: the progression of her illness; the complications of infections, my all-consuming focus on her well-being, the hours and hours I spent researching her health hoping to come across words that would lead me to hope for her future, my daily involvement in her life as I tried to make her experience with confusion and disorientation feel somehow manageable for her and for me. Every spare moment I had I devoted to my Mom and to helping her live the best life possible in her circumstance, and while I was immersed in caring for her, spending time with her, loving her more fiercely as her fragility increased daily, I could not predict my mother’s death nor could I prepare myself for my life without her in it.
I discovered during my Mom’s last six months of living the unpredictable nature of life and illness when what I most wished for was some sense of control over the situation. I needed support and sought out information that I could trust to help me feel able to process the truth and to learn to accept it. Looking back, I now realize that there is never enough time or help or information that can prepare one for the unimaginable. In my Mom’s case, though she had lived with a diagnosis of mild dementia for several years and her health had been stable, she died within a week of becoming very ill from dehydration at her nursing home. I was not prepared for her death as I had not considered it a possibility until her last few days on earth when it became abundantly clear that I had no choice but to accept the inevitable outcome.
TrueHeart, your emotions are so painfully familiar to me. You will feel, as you have expressed so candidly here with us over this past month, times when you feel some sense of control by doing the practical and necessary things to help your Mom get through day by day. It is amazing how these daily tasks of loving support can help our loved one to feel less alone, less frightened and more protected and cherished. These concrete acts of love also help to keep us grounded and able to put one foot in front of the other to keep going, as we must. The alternative may be that we would all simply collapse under the psychological stress of caring for a dying loved one while dwelling on a future that is overshadowed with the unavoidable sorrow to come. I believe you are right about control, and while it is a very human desire to feel in control, it is an illusion as we learn in life that we don’t have much if any control over when and how life will end. We of course all realize this truth logically and can even speak about it dispassionately in conceptual terms, but when life forces us to travel from the conceptual stage of knowledge to the undeniably personal realm of direct confrontation with death, we genuinely struggle. You are not alone in your struggle. The most important thing for you to remember and to hang on to right now is that you are lovingly supporting your Mom and your family during this traumatic time in her life and yours despite all the complex emotions you must deal with. You are an exceptional person, TrueHeart and I know you have in your heart healing powers. Allow them to heal you as you reach out to comfort and heal others around you.
I think your grieving indeed began with your Mom’s diagnoses and as you witness her decline your grieving will rise in intensity and power as you begin to face it and feel it. Speaking with your late friend’s sister and daughter has naturally triggered in you compellingly sorrowful feelings and brings to the surface the reality of your loss of your friend and which naturally leads you to begin imagining your life without your Mom. It is heartbreaking that while you are trying to come to terms with your friend’s death, you are also trying to accept that your Mom’s life is nearing the end. I know today and in these past few days you have had to endure a lot of sadness as you mourn your friend more fully and as your Mom’s health changes with the day. I hear your heart and feel it breaking, but I also see your incredible courage! Your sensitivity is a gift. It may not feel like it in this moment, but please trust that you will find within you the ability to accept whatever happens whenever it happens. I hope your heart will find comfort in the knowledge that you make a significant difference to your Mom, to your family and your friends, and to us. Thank you for sharing your low points, your hopes, your insights and experience here with us. Your words are inspired and inspiring and you are helping others to find healing and hope and I hope healing and hope finds you! Cry as long and as hard as you feel the need, TrueHeart. You will not be crying alone.
With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1