Good morning and bright blessings
Thank you all so much for your loving kindness - your responses are deeply appreciated.
I am feeling my balance returning again. Shelving the idea of moving has helped. Another thing that has helped is acceptance. While I have long ago accepted that mom is dying, the experience of caring for her and interacting more closely with my family as a result of her condition is showing me how very disfunctional families can be.... My siblings are so wrapped up in their own lives that when I ask for their help, their responses indicate that they act as though I am asking them for a big personal favour. "we are all in this together" ?!?!?.
Cath1, I recall in one of your responses how you explained so very well, how everyone deals with these issues differently.
This is very very true. Because I was able to step in and assume the role as primary caregiver, my siblings have come to take that very much for granted. Even with the challenges of the past week, when I called upon them for some help and relief, they were unwilling to step up ~ it was all too incovenient for them. Earlier in the week, I was upset by their lack of willingness to understand that - YES, this road IS filled with inconveniences and disruptions. I realise now that I wasted a lot of energy being angry with them for a full day - but now, I have reached a point of acceptance. In the process, I have also decided not to make any more excuses for their lack of respect and appreciation. I have promised myself to continue to do the best I can and to make adjustments to circumstances along the way. One of the adjustments I've made is a promise to myself to not consider asking them for help anymore - it just upsets me and doesn't work. Acceptance!
One of my nieces expressed several months ago that she worried that the family would be "broken up" when mom does die. I assured her that no matter where we all are geographically, we will always be family; and though we might not always be "together", we will always be connected by our geneology. In the back of my mind however, I knew she was expressing a valid concern.
A good friend of mine, who lost her father a few years ago, expressed the same thing to me. Her own family has suffered a "break up" since and there are few family gatherings, minimal communications and little interest in each others' lives now.
While it may be very sad - family is comprised of different people with different points of view and many old, worn out childhood dynamics and pre-conceived judgements. Under crisis, we have the option to grow together and put our differences aside, or not. We are each only able to work on ourselves and we cannot force others to be more conscious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Meanwhile, my role as primary caregiver continues. I embrace it with joy, love and appreciation. I am detaching myself from the family drama.
Last Friday, we got the results of the MRI that we did the week before. I secured a copy of the report from the doctor to compare it to the one done in July. Three months later, the conclusion of the report indicates -"no significant interval change"; which may sound like things aren't worse than they were. Even the doctor interpreted the report this way. I, however, noticed a large and significant difference in comparing both reports, and have concluded that the person writing the report meant - the tumors are still there. The details of the report indicate clearly that the tumors have grown significantly and have sprouted over to the left side of her brain too. The main differential would include "lymphoma and gliomatosis cerebri with areas of high grade glioma." In other words, her condition has progressed to the point of identification without a biopsy.
We returned to the opthamologist this week to do a visual field test to determine if it is cataracts or the tumors that are affecting mom's vision. The test indicated that it is a combination of the two. The doctor explained that he is willing to perform cataract surgery but that it would only improve her vision about 50%. He is also willing to fast track the process due to the circumstances. Mom is very upset to learn that the tumors are causing her vision to fail.
We return next week to perform a second visual field test and begin the process. Even if a part of me feels like we are going through steps that may prove futile - I feel it is important to proceed forward.
We had a quiet day at home yesterday. I cleaned up around the house - washed the sheets, did some laundry, gave mom a shower and put some cream on her dry skin. It was nice not to have any running around to do - no appointments, no visits.
Today, being Friday, I look forward to two days off to be able to focus on my household, my business and my two wonderful adult kids.
Wishing all of you a restful weekend too xo
TrueHeart