Dear Paula (lilbear):
I have been thinking about your question, "How are you dealing with it?" I am not now in a situation at all like yours, but when I think back over the years to when I was a young mom and wife, and when my mother was living, I remember the stress I felt many times and it was hard to go through. It was tempting at times to fantasize about getting in my car and driving off into the distance where the grass grows greener!
My late mother had a mental illness since I was a baby, and by the time I was a young teen, I had assumed the responsibility for helping her when she had episodes of illness and hospitalization. When I was later married with kids, our lives were often disrupted and complicated by my Mom's illness and I had to balance my family's needs with hers. It was a challenge.
I recall one particular Christmas morning when I had to take my Mom to the hospital. She was having very distressing feelings and delusional thinking at the time. She was staying with me and my family for the holidays as was the typical situation with us. My Mom awoke me in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, she was frantic and feeling very agitated. I knew I would need to take her to the hospital in the morning, but since it was Christmas I was hoping her mood would magically improve as sometimes it would when a crisis had passed. I was upset inside but felt I could not tell anyone how overwhelmed in fact I felt.
I was thinking about my young children and how in a few hours they would awake with joyful anticipation of Santa's arrival. I could not let their Christmas be ruined, and yet my Mom needed my help too. I was torn. Not having a solution that would work for everyone, I tried to calm my Mom. Thankfully, I was able to persuade her to agree to go back to bed. I barely slept a wink that night as she got up and came into the room where I lay with my husband several times. Eventually she fell asleep and my children awoke to greet Christmas morning. They were overjoyed and filled with excitement. I watched them as they opened their gifts, their small faces lit up with big grins. As I watched them I knew that when my Mom got up I would have to leave them with their Dad for most of the day as I and my Mom would have to go to the emergency room and I knew she would again have to be admitted to the hospital. It was a very sad and stressful day, but I knew then as I know now, life is sometimes painful and we have so little control over events so we have no choice but to adapt as best we can.
That Christmas morning, I left my children content to play with their new toys and their Dad, while I ensured that my Mom got the help she needed to begin her recovery. I felt heartless to leave my Mom in a hospital on Christmas Day, but I knew from experience how quickly the symptoms of her illness would progress without medical intervention. I had such a lonely feeling as I walked to my car to head home to finish cooking our Christmas dinner. My children knew Nanny was "not well" but they never really knew that much about her illness when they were little because I protected them as much as possible from having contact with my Mom when she was in the throes of a fullblown psychotic episode. I remember how my mother's demeanour and appearance would change when she became ill and when I was a child it was for me at times frightening to see the transformation, so unfamiliar my Mom suddenly seemed to me when she was ill. I did not want my children to experience that side of my Mom, the Nanny they adored!
I guess I am sharing this with you to help you understand that when you are in a situation such as yours, with your parents living in your home, your father seriously ill, young children and a husband to care for, it is extremely difficult to deal with everything and feel good about it. Our circumstances are different Paula, but we have both experienced trials that have tested our belief in ourselves and our ability to handle life's difficulties, yet we must continue to cultivate confidence and hang on to hope for the future so that we will endure, I believe! I have found that with every challenge I have yet faced in life, no matter how hard - even impossible - it seemed at the time, I did find ways to cope in the end. So will you! You will grow in compassion, patience and wisdom every time you rise to face another day.
I hope you will feel supported and that you will accept that your best effort is good enough! You cannot always give your best effort to others in every moment of every day and that too is fine! Your heart is in the right place, Paula and those you love know this without you having to explain it. Ask for help, understanding and support, especially from your husband and let others know that you are not superhuman. Simply being human is hard enough as it is!:)
Wishing you peace in your heart this night, Paula. Tomorrow is a new day. You will get through it because I sense that you are far more capable and resilient than you yet know! I am here for you.
With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1