Hi Mark99. Your story touched me because I also am married to the strongest and most independent woman that I have ever met. We both are still in good health, but of course, that doesn’t last, forever, for anyone. After 43 years of marriage, someday one of us will be the caregiver for the other. I pray that I am the one to “go” first, simply because she is the stronger one.
I cannot imagine what you went through over the last 3 ½ years. That you closed your business and concentrated on her care was, in my opinion, the opportunity for you to be the “best you could be”, as a spouse. You passed with flying colours. You are an inspiration to husbands everywhere.
What an act of loving trust for as you said, “Donna put her disease in my hands, she gave it to me to manage and guide her. “ I would imagine that in doing this that she was then able to focus on maximizing her quality of life, rather than being stressed about details, over which she had little control. What a gift you gave her, Mark99.
When you said that, “I was honored to be there for her and to have the chance to move our relations to new deminisions and places.”, I imagine that despite the raw emotions that you bonded closer that you ever had. I am happy that you were able to have that quality time to do that.
Every person in your situation would feel the stress, feel the fear, and hurt greatly to see our loved one suffering. You said, “But I did it knowing it was my job my love my goal my place in our lives.” You have stated the ultimate “gold standard” for husbands when you stated that.
Of course part of the motivation comes from knowing that Donna would do the same for you. But I sense that you did what you did because your love for her compelled you to do “what’s right, what’s good, and what’s moral”. You state it best when you say, “But I know she had me and that what I did was love at its purest.
I hope that you have a great support group, Mark99. Have you gone to a grief counseling group? They are extremely beneficial for most people. Did it help you?
I loved your comments regarding hospice, as I have been a resident support volunteer at our local hospice for the last 3 years. You stated:
- It was not for her alone it was for me.
- It gave me the chance to surrender the caregiver burden and bask in the final time together.
- And also it was the place for me to gain comfort and care from an amazing staff who saw me as a patient as well.
At hospice our only goal is to provide as much comfort as possible to both the resident and the family.
By taking over the 24/7 care, the hospice staff was able to allow you to have quality time with your wife, as you say. This is probably the greatest benefit of all.
I am glad to hear that when you were suffering, as the family of the resident, that you were able to reach out to the staff and volunteers. They get great satisfaction in helping you.
In closing, Mark99, I would like to encourage you to tell more of your story in this blog. The act of writing down your feelings can be curative, even cathartic. In addition your words can and will help so many others for years to come.
I wish you the very best, Mark99 - eKIm