Hi Mark, this is eKim. I am a hospice volunteer and a member of Virtual Hospice. I have not experienced a loss such as yours, and therefore I realize that I cannot fully empathize with you – not having “walked in your shoes”. However, your story touched me and I want to reach out to you with compassion.
The following is the basis for my understanding of the love between two people:
I met my wife when she was a teenager 43 years ago. I love her more now than when I first met her. But I have to admit, that I still don’t understand love. The closest I can come is this: “Love is like the wind. You cannot see it, or understand it, but you can feel it and you know when it is there.”
I will start with the last thing you wrote, “Sorry to sound like a loser.” In my view, Mark, you are a winner. You love your Donna from the day you met her until the day she died, and you will love her for eternity.
I believe that the greatest test that we experience throughout our lives, is the test of love. As far as I can see, Mark, you passed life’s greatest test with a perfect 4.0 grade point average, an A+. That’s all you need to be a winner for the rest of your life.
Anyone who knows you should know this, and believe this to be true. Those are the people that you should surround yourself with – people that respect you, nurture you and encourage you. Surround yourself with people who can see, and love your true spirit, just as you love Donna’s spirit. When you encounter people whose spirits are not aligned with yours, simply wish them well, and move on without them.
The reason that I wrote the above is in response to your comment, “But to hear someone say her husband who I like and is a sweet sweet guy tell her that while Donna was alive he didn’t want to be around her or me.” I hope that this comment wasn’t the thing that caused you such pain and such doubts. That comment seems just plain thoughtless to me, especially if it caused you to write:
“There are moments in this grieving process and healing you face something so painful that you recoil in horror at all your hard work and question the reality of the memory you’ve built. This makes me wonder in all the grieving I have been doing and trying to, I guess, rehab Donna’s image is just that not real but a public relations argument. I doubt my motivation and myself and am angry with myself for loving Donna.’
I hear a great truth in your next statement, “Not sure that last statement is valid.” That statement simply shows the depth of the confusion you feel in your grief.” Grief, in this case, (through confusion) is a thief that is trying to rob you of all the good that you have done and the great love that you have. Do not let this happen, Mark.
You say, “I was there I cared and tried to make her life better in the face of her knowing her death was coming.” In saying this, Mark you showed Donna, yourself and the world, all anyone needs to know about the love you have for Donna. To know and understand you, people need to search no further. I have great admiration for you, Mark. You set an outstanding example. Just understand that doubts and confusion are simply facets of the grieving process.
When it comes to defining love, perhaps Thomas Merton put it most eloquently when he said, “The plain truth is this: love is not a matter of getting what you want. Quite the contrary. The insistence on always having what you want, on always being satisfied, on always being fulfilled, makes love impossible. Love is not a deal, it is a sacrifice.” Your love for Donna, was certainly a true, pure love of great sacrifice, Mark.
You said, in your posting: “In fact it is more to the point she had a very strong personality and was not universally loved. I loved her and saw her truth.”
What is wrong with a strong personality? Nothing. My wife has a strong personality and our two adult daughters have a strong personality – that’s how we raised them. Men who have “strong” personalities are admired. So too should women be admired. A “strong” woman is a gift and a blessing for any man. And besides, it takes a strong man to love and/or be married to a strong woman.
You write, “If anything, I would say the difficulty I face is trying to find my place in the world both professionally and personally, to do something with my life and be something or someone to others.”
Mark, I don’t believe there is a quick fix to this “difficulty”. There is no timetable for you to follow. For some people it happens quickly, for others it takes more time.
The following statement I honestly believe is true: “If you do believe that there is a another special role for you in life and if you remain patient and trusting, and NEVER stop searching, that, when the time is right, it will unfold sweetly for you.” It could be a mission. It could be a person. You will recognize it when it happens. Many people never find these “hidden gems of life”, either because a) they don’t seek them out b) become discouraged and stop seeking or c) do not recognize these gifts or blessings when they arrive.
I can say this from experience. I had a life-changing occurrence that set me on a path of discovery about my role in this life. Other that my marriage and family, this gift has turned out to be the most important thing in my life. I refer to my hospice volunteer work. What is in store for you, Mark, will be unique to you and will give your life great meaning. Believing and trusting in this, will bring you a life of peace.
When you said, Mark, “I loved her and saw her truth.”, I thought of my own wife. I love her and see her truth. This is where I connect the most with you, Mark. If you want to share your story, and what you mean by that statement, you have a compassionate audience. I love the anonymity of Virtual Hospice – it truly allows for a cathartic outlet, in the name of healing. And the compassion of supportive “others” who will listen to your story without judgment.
The other thing you could do, is to recall all the happy times that you and Donna shared, right from day one. Perhaps start a remembrance journal.
Whatever it is that you consistently focus on, will become your new reality. Focus on the positive, Mark. Focus on the happy and joyous things. Discover that which brings you joy, peace and love and move forward with this mindset. And always remember this: “Even in those times when you fall forward, flat on your face, remember, you are still moving forward.
I wish you peace, Mark. – eKim
Ps Please forgive me if I am “butting in”. As I said, I have not shared your experience. I have no professional training in this field. My motivation theme comes from a great quote from “A Streetcar Named Desire”, in which Blanche Dubois says, “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.” This has happened so often in my life that it has become part of my belief system, and so, I simply try to “Pass It Forward”.