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Reply by debbied2007
08 Jul 2013, 7:07 AM

Hi Tracie...bugs...my new knick name for you...TracieBugs....


How are ya?  I don't have the advantage of printing your last posting so I will be at a lost here...back and forth...and slow...but you won't notice...LOL...As I sit here, typing and listening to country music...as for Don's surgery, we are once again, waiting...the surgeon found something in the prostate!!!!!!!!   So now we have to wait and see if it is cancerous...does this ever end?  I just can't believe we take one step forward just to...what...?   I thought of you a lot today, after reading your posting....I can't do a lot for you, but send you positive thoughts and prayers.  I can so relate to the "please everyone" attitute.  That is the way I am, and I find myself trying to get myself out of situations because I "promised" someone something based on pleasing them at the moment!  My goodness, I get myself into more mischief than I do at pleasing everyone!  

Well, whatever happens with your step daughter will be, I'm glad you finally worked something out with her that will work with your girls! 

My current position is "nursemaid"...run up and down the stairs, get this, get that, change this, change that...do this...do that...boy I tell ya, I better lose some weight over this!  If I don't, someone has a price to pay....LOL...

It sounds like you've gone through a lot with the step-daughter, but guess what, I'm thinking she's gone through a lot too! 

My latest...hmmm...well, we have a friend (Don's best friend) is staying with us from Monreal, and boy oh boy...I am having a difficult time with this...I enjoy my time alone, and I get that in the evenings, when Don goes to bed and my daughter goes to her room, I get my alone time...but not anymore...WOW...he's a socializer, so when he knows someone is up, he gets up to chat!  Selfish me!!!!  Bad Deb..Bad Deb...YAY, you're getting to know the "real Deb" and I hope you still lover her after this. 

Tracie, I'm so glad it finally worked out with you and your girls and step-daughter!  I can related to your daughters and step daughter!  Your girls need to take prioirity!

Today was such a trying day! I was hoping to get away, but didn't...Oh well, I think there is a raeson for everything and whether today, tomorrow, or in the future I find out...I'm ok with that.  take care Tracie!  My heart is heavy today, but my positive thoughts go out to you, my iHugs are for you and sending you sunshine warm thoughts, and rainbows!!!!   Deb
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Reply by debbied2007
08 Jul 2013, 7:17 AM

OMG...Tracie, I had a huge respone and lost it!!!!  Tomrrow....I'm so sorry!
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Reply by debbied2007
08 Jul 2013, 7:18 AM

whhooops...threre it is...on page 8!
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Reply by marstin
08 Jul 2013, 4:14 PM

Hi Deb,

I truly envision a rollercoaster when cancer is involved. Just when you're gaining some steam something comes along and you're climbing back up the hill. You poor girl. I wish I could be there to support you.

I totally understand your need for your quiet time. I have never been one for alot of company and definitely not the come to stay type. Even my half sister that I've recently reunited with in the past 9 months has talked about coming to visit and I just cringe. It's not that I don't want to see her, I just don't want to feel the need to entertain 24 hours a day and have someone invade my moments that are just mine alone. Selfish maybe but it's just how we are wired. Of course I also don't like staying at someone else's house and prefer to stay somewhere close to them in a hotel.

Oh that stepdaughter of mine. I have found it quite challenging to have her back in our lives but know that Len would want it. I have never been one to face things head on but with her I have to. She has been told by a therapist that she knows no boundaries and it is true. She flew back into our lives and wanted to do so much for us, which was appreciated since everyone else had disappeared, but the fact of the matter is that she has been absent from our lives for many years and caused a lot of pain and anger even before she became an addict. She at one point married Len's best friend and we knew that it would end badly. They had a little girl and chose to have him stay home to raise her. I expressed to her that it might bring resentment (I went back to work soon after having our first born and Len and his best friend looked after her since he wasn't working at the time) and I know how angry that made me. Well, I guess she realized that she didn't like it then soon became involved with a guy from work and kicked her husband out then in time withdrew his connection to his daughter. He was an incredible dad and this caused him to return to drinking and he disappeared. Len was so crushed and we spent years trying to track him down with no success. He did call her at one point but her hot headed new guy freaked out so badly that her husband never called again. It was all so sad. I worked hard at trying to find him when Len was diagnosed but had no luck at all and his family has not heard from him in years. A psychic told me that he had crossed over and possibly may have taken his life. Anyway, she married Mr hothead and I guess it went bad, really bad. While I can feel sympathy for what she went through, I also know that she left alot of carnage throughout her life and never gave a thought to those she wounded. She called us one night soon after Len passed away and our youngest answered the phone. This girl went on and on about how someone had called her from this number and how her dad had died and my youngest just calmly stayed on the line while she sobbed and went into hysterics about her dad. When she got off of the phone she was furious because this girl had no idea that she was talking to her half sister. It was the addict in her and I had to try to explain this to my daughter but it didn't make it any better. Anyway, now she expects everyone to welcome her with open arms since she's clean and I keep trying to explain to her that it will take time. I feel like I've taken on another child when I really don't have the energy for it.

Well time to get myself into the shower and get some work done. It's going to be a crazy busy week. You're in my heart and in my thoughts daily and no matter what life throws at us, we'll see it through. It's just who we are.

Hugs and sunshine to you,
Tracie
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Reply by debbied2007
17 Jul 2013, 5:39 AM

Hi Tracie Buggs!!!!

Oh, I know to well the dreams and desires of an addict.  Your step-daughter truly fits the role, which is not a good sign.  I can only hope it turns out for you and your girls!  How are you doing these days Tracie?  I think of you often, as usual, then feel the guilt of not responding...then realize that, at this point, guilt not required!  I have enough issues to deal with, and I'm just so happy you are here for me...and I hope you feel the same way too (needing reassurance, dont' know why...lol) some days, believe me, my wish is that we lived closer to each other...to at least visit...some days, I really need "girl" time, one on one!  But that's ok, our virutal friendship is way more than I ever thought could've happened on this website!

How are you getting along with the girls?  Step-Daughter?  Cleaning?  Kijiji postings?...etc...etc...have you been able to move forward with any of the numerous items you had on your long list of "to do list"?  

I can't believe I've been off for over two weeks and accomplished NOTHING!  But Don thinks that is an accomplishment in itself.  The stress of...wait, let's number them...1) my youngest not working so i'm supporting her financially and emotionally...2) an ailing husband who I gladly wait on him 24/7...3) a guest...hmmmm.... 4) another daughter and granddaughter who is living with us in the evenings, as her marriage is crumbling 5) my mom had to get a CT scan, as the oncologist couldn't believe what he saw...whatever that means...6) job loss 7) no alone time 8) health...tests after tests, so now I see my doctor every 6 weeks...before it was once a year...AND of course with my personality, I take on everyone else's issues, why...just because I want to make sure they are taken care of and I can help them solve their problems...gees Louise! 

Due to my extreme stress level, both don and I have been fighting non-stop since he got home from the hospital...not good at all, as he needs positive energy to get better.  So his healing process isn't as advanced as it was as when he was in the hospital...so of course the guilt trip is on.  In the last few days, the following has happened, my daughter got a job, starting Thursday...his best friend is working, but only for five days...but come next monday, he's in our face again; he also rented a vehicle so isn't so dependant on us...but that ends Saturday...Don and I talked about his second surgery (#9 in stressors) in August and he's going to tell the friend that he cannot stay with us, as he needs his recovery time, that he's going to have to get his own place..THANKGOODNESS!!!!  My other girl is home for now...we will wait and see, as she leaves him, goes back...leaves him...yoyo....two of my colleagues have received jobs in other units, so hopefully, I will too!  All I want to do is take care of my husband...no one else...except me of course!  I've actually gotten to the point of being able to say "NO"...I cannot believe it.  It amazes me, as I never say no...only to myself!  Awwwwee, during one of our arguments, Don says to me...Deb, i know I have to get better at taking care of you too...I know it can't just be about me...I'm like, What!!!!  Wow...this guy is amazing, I just wish I could control my temper through all this stress...

I cannot believe it is the middle of July already, I only have a few more weeks off, but also, come August, comes the cooler evenings.  

Some days, I just wish I had nothing but positive things to post, this is so hard to post all this negative energy...but it's also good because I get to vent! 

I've been learning to run, to alleviate my stress...and boy do I like that!  It's a walk/run exercise, not structured, just at my pace.  I cannot believe, at almost 50 (this month), I'm learning to run.  I've been doing this for sometime now and really enjoy doing it; i get my alone time, listen to my music and build the muscle I've lost due to us not being able to hike! 

thanks for the venting...I really need it, I'm hoping to be more positive...what do you think there TracieBugs????  Lol...nah, this is our venting system, and we need to take advantage of it!  I liked your last posting ending, you're in my heart and in my thoughts daily, and no matter what life throws at us, we will see it through!  It's just who we are, signing off, sending you ehugs, sunshine and well wishes my virtual friend!

Hugs, Deb         
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Reply by marstin
18 Jul 2013, 7:09 PM

Hi Deb!

You are so cute. Even in the midst of turmoil you find the humor in life. That in itself is a positive thing. Push the guilt away, you are working as hard as you can and doing a great job juggling so many things. When you talk about feeling guilty that Don isn't doing as well at home as he was in the hospital it strikes a chord in me. I ran into the same thing with Len when he came home from the hospital. I tried every trick in the book to duplicate the care in the hospital but let's face it, we have no formal nursing skills and can only do what one person is able to. What can I can I say, we are only human.

So, the girls and I headed over to Vancouver Island on Saturday to stay at the family lake cabin. How bittersweet that was because everything reminded us of Len. We went there every two years with him. We could feel his presence with us. On Monday, the one year date of his passing, we were each suffering in our own way. The girls had finally given the green light for the stepdaughter to join us in spreading some of his ashes there so she made the 4 hour journey to the cabin and we did just that. I think we all expected it to be more of an experience than what it was. It was quite odd because we had closed the gate on the porch to keep our Bella away from us and yet at the moment that the ashes were being spread, she came bouncing down to the dock. We can only guess that she somehow jumped through the slats on the porch (quite a drop) or somehow was called to join us and someone  lifted her down. It was very strange. The stepdaughter left soon after and we just went off into our own little worlds to deal with our raw feelings. My oldest took a picture of the dock a little while later and what showed up in it was a bright light running down the mountain across the lake from us. She never saw it when she took the photo. The following day, we looked across the lake and two rainbows appeared. It's not like it had been raining so it was quite remarkable. There was many little things that happened that that made us look at each other and say 'That was strange'. Wednesday morning before we left there was a huge windstorm and as quickly as it came, it disappeared and the sun came back out. Leaving was tough and for the first time, I just wanted to stay far longer and enjoy the peace and solitude.I did not want to return and face this stupid house and all of the issues with clearing it out quickly.

I think I am at breaking point now. I am missing Len more and more and my girls are ganging up on me about my eating habits or as they would say, the lack of eating. I feel so drained and would like to wave my white flag and say 'I give up'. My brother left me in charge of releasing the realtor that we had for my mom's place, like I don't have enough stress in my life. It's been on the market for 3 months and we've only had 2 bites on it even though we've dropped the price twice. The guy next door to her house sold his in a matter of about a week. Mind you he had done major renovations to it and has a deeper lot but he was asking over $100,000 more for it and had multiple bids on it so he got what he was asking. Now comes the process of interviewing realtors which I certainly have time for. Grrr!

I guess my doctor is concerned about my health and now is sending me for a whole string of tests. Normally he just checks my cholesterol but he said that with all that I've been through this past year, he wants to make sure that I'm okay. I hate tests. Maybe I should have told him that I'm just losing my firm grasp on reality. Lol!

Anyway, enough of my complaining. Good for you that you've taken up running. I wish I could run. Any kind of physical activity is good for the soul and definitely alleviates stress. Do you meditate at all? I keep saying that I'm going to try it but I'm usually too exhausted to think straight. You learned the word NO? Good for you. We may want to believe that we are wonderwoman but we're just mere mortals and have every right to say no to things. When's your birthday?

I guess it was my turn to vent. Ha! Ha! I'm so glad that we found each other. Well, I guess I've stalled enough and need to get to work on something.

Take care of yourself and remember to just breathe.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by debbied2007
20 Jul 2013, 1:57 AM

Hi TracieBugs,

well, I can see that we are two peas in a pod; twins born on different days/with different parts and in different communities...but twins none the less Wink  too many similarities!  Well, I must admit I am a bit envious that you have a cabin you went to...every couple of years, but none the less, you have a cabin!  I've heard of families like yours, where you went "to the cabin" and always wondered what you did at "the cabin"...LOL.

Well, my heart goes out to you and your missing of your love Len!  I am sending you a huge wrap around virtual hug...just take those arms, wrap them around ya and squeeze a big hug...there, it cannot replace Len, but if hugs are what you needed, then you had one, if not, then you had one!  :)  But it sounds like he is hanging around you to make sure all is ok; he shows it in many forms and ways.  I'm so happy for you!  

No, I don't mediate - I don't have the patience for that.  It seems I always have to be on the go or I would just flop to the floor with exhaustion...sounds strange, but yeah. 

When I received your message yesterday, I had just received some possible bad news and was waiting all day to hear the results!  Whew...I was freaking out today.  My daughter went for tests on her pregnancy and they were abnormal - the tests today showed she had a healthy baby and now there is a less chance of abnormality (downsyndrome)  Her chances were 1/100 have now been reduced to 1/200. Not that it would change anything, my goodness, I would love this grandchild so much...There are 3 cousins pregnant right now (my daughter and two nieces from my two sisters); and I thought, my daughter was actually the best pick for this special child - they are all due within 4 months - Dec/Feb/Mar; and TABOOT, each of them either didn't think they could conceive (2) or didn't want a child (1); but all are embracing this whole heartedly!~

Oh TracieBugs, you are going through such a hard time...all alone!  I think sometimes we just take too much on ourselves!  Especially, given our personalities eh???? 

Right now, I have no words of wisdom, which seem to come out so easily for you!  My comfort is to send you e-hugs and e-positive thoughts...just cause you are in need of them.

Today was a good day.  Today, I finished making slippers for my oldest granddaughter!  She is nine and this was for her birthday in June.  I guess they are, what you would call moccassins, but we call slippers.  The upper part are beaded; the rest is made out of moose hide; and they have rabbit fur around the edges; I'm not a great sewer, but my grandchildren think I'm one of the best sewers!  Which is all I can ask for - about 10-12 years ago, I made a pair for each of my girls and my hubby, just to try it out.  Then when Don got sick, I couldn't sit idle, so I started up the project again, this time, phase 2...for my grandbabies.  I have now made 2 of 6 slippers.  I would like to make my #7 - a pair for my TracieBugs...it's a long process, as I have to bead the uppers and those take a long time (I have to be in the mood to bead); I don't have any uppers made, so will be starting from scratch - this is my way of saying thank you for being here for me when I really needed you.  Please let me do this for you...I'm asking because I know you will say NO that it's too much work, etc...I have many friends who have asked me to make a pair for them, but none that sit and listen to me the way you do.  It's my way of saying thanks.

I have to go...but take care..  you're in my heart and in my thoughts daily, and no matter what life throws at us, we will see it through! It's just who we are, signing off, sending you ehugs, sunshine and well wishes my virtual friend!
Deb
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Reply by marstin
21 Jul 2013, 10:16 PM

Hi Deb,

I was just wondering how your mom's tests went? Is everything okay with her? I helped an older lady with a walker through the washroom door at a Target store the other day and she giggled and said that she loved to be pampered. I told her that I didn't have a mom to pamper anymore and she said 'I'm sure you miss her very much'. Oh yea. My daughters always ridicule me for talking like that to strangers but you know what? I don't care. Lol! I think about my mom alot lately and when I listen to my girls scolding me or making remarks that sound like they're putting me down, I think of her and how we didn't give her enough credit for being so wise or so capable.

Well, the girls and I went to see Bruno Mars last night. We had to take transit to get there and the girls kept laughing since I hadn't ridden it in years. I did just fine. The concert was awesome and I was even 'allowed' to dance in front of my seat because everyone else was and dance I did. It's an ongoing joke around here because if a good song comes on and we're out in public, I start to dance or sing which embarasses the hell out of them. I sometimes do it just to drive them nuts. I keep telling them that they will always remember those moments long after I'm gone. I find a song in everything I do. Okay, so I'm a little crazy. He!He!

Ah, the cabin. Len started taking me there when our oldest was just a baby. His dad bought the property on the lake and built a cabin on it back in the 1960's I think. After his parents both passed away, it was left to the 5 boys. The oldest passed away about 4 years ago (cancer), and his share was left to his wife. The youngest decided after HIS mom (he liked to thing he was an only child) passed away that he didn't want any part of the cabin or the family so he was bought out. When Len passed away, I was very concerned that they would somehow screw us out of his share that he left to me but fortunately, the one brother and the sister in law are fine with us having it. The other remaining brother (he was closest to Len & I) got drunk one night and went on a yakking spree with me on the phone about wanting to buy me out and that they had always planned on it being 'last man standing'. He hasn't called me since, I think he was embarassed. Anyway, I guess Len was in arrears for quite a bit of money when he got sick and I didn't know about it. That was dangled over my head. After alot of soul searching I decided it would be wrong to do my girls out of their inheritance so I payed up. The stepdaughter nearly got a share of it but in a twist towards the end, Len changed his will and left it all to me so that I could make that decision later on. Anyway, back to the cabin. That place was always a bone of contention between us because I was a city girl and it was pretty rustic when I first started going there. Over the years it has improved. Len and a friend went there about a month before he passed away so that he could say goodbye to his favorite place on earth. Going there this year (after paying my yearly fees) was a tough one. Strangely enough, I enjoyed it immensely and really did not want to leave, nor did the girls. I have never felt so much peace there and wished that it could have been like that in the years before when Len was with us and yet I think he was. Sooo, what we do there is enjoy the quiet. No cell phone service (yay) and no internet. We read, sit on the dock, swim a little, and talk alot. Town is only 20 minutes away so most days we'd take a trip in for a bit. Nightime we eat fresh peas in the pod, cook meals, and then we cheat since someone left a tv and dvd player there. Lol! I was going to do a bunch of paperwork while I was there but decided that I really needed a break from reality so I didn't even look at it. I met up with the one brother of Len's that lives there and signed some papers for the lake but that was it.

Aren't you a creative one. I have never been able to sew anything, or draw or paint. That must be soothing to make slippers although very intricate work. You are so sweet to offer to make me a pair. I feel honored. Just know that they will be alot of work since I have big feet. He!He! I guess my only creativity would be in writing. I left that behind when I began having babies and have only just recently started to write again. 

Oh babies! I was never supposed to have any because I had had cervical cancer in my late 20's.  I followed it with having a major heart attack when I was 34? I think. I met Len very soon after and surprised all of my doctors by becoming pregnant within 3 months. I really wanted a baby. Well, our 'little bit of magic' (Len's name for her) was born weighing only 3 lbs 4 oz but full of fight. She's still like that to this day. For the second one, the oops baby, I had to go for testing because I was older. The fear and risk of abnormalities was there but it really didn't matter. She arrived safe and sound and totally normal. At 4lbs 6 ozs she seemed big compared to her sister. Hmm! She still is much taller and bigger than her older sister. Lol!

Well, I guess I should go and do some work. I haven't been able to do much of anything since we returned home and I just feel so exhausted. I think I need a real vacation. My oldest is home today and is hiding upstairs hoping that I won't put her to work. Surprise, that's not happening.

Thanks for always being here for me, it always means so much.

Hugs to you,
Tracie
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Reply by debbied2007
23 Jul 2013, 6:09 AM

Hi TracieBugs...wow, I do that all the time...as a private person,I love telling someone my story (stranger) because I know it won't go any further, and if it does, it would be.."this lady on the train...etc, said this,...and not only did we not give our mom's more credit, but I know, we would NEVER talk to them, the way our daughters do to us!.  To this day, with my mom still alive, when I call her, I'm always checking the infliction in her voice to know how far I can go with the questions and the teasing!  Somedays I wonder if I went wrong in the upbringing...all I wanted was for my daughters not to be raised the way I was raised...and they weren't...so I guess it's all good.

How was your weekend?  Did you do anything exciting...,my dear friend?  Glad you went to the concert!  Wow, I'm impressed...the last concert I went to was in 2008, July 31, we went to see Nickleback...the night before we went to see John Fogerty...so I was hung over at Nickleback...so, needless to say, I havent' been to a concert since them...the lights...the music...the swearing...those smoking around us...the crowds...the ugliness of it all...LOL.  

I had a breakdown over the weekend....our house guest completed his course on Friday...I was on the deck all day, reading a good book.  My neighbour comes out on her deck, looks at me and just sits down.  OK, no problem...I'm not going to be afraid, we have a fence and a deck in between us...she wonders about her lot a bit...every now and then I catch her and see what she is doing, as long as she isn't on our property, I'm safe.  her husband comes out and talks with her, I have no idea what they are talking about...no problem...she finally goes back in the house.  About an hour later, Don comes out, tired looking (like he just got up from a nap) and says, uhm..I don't want to scare you, but the cops are next door!  I said, oh, ok...hmmm.  That's not my concern!  So I go inside, and Don asks if I would like to go out for a few "pops"....I said yes.  As we were leaving...the husband is sitting on his steps with his heads in his hands...I asked, hey, are you ok...he said, no, my wife, she's not well.  Apparently, she's been mentally sick since the last time we had an episode, and she's been on heavy medication, which hasn't worked.  Tonight she grabbed a knife and that really scared him, that he actually called the cops!  There were several incidents in between which he explained to us!  WOW...any way, the breakdown was when we came home. 

I came to the realization that, come monday...our house guest will be with us 24/7...no car...no JOB...NO LIFE!!!!!  To this day, this guy just doesn't get it...I completely freaked out...I was in the basement, hyperventilating...and yet, deep down below, couldn't kick him out, because...I didn't want him to feel unwanted!  What deep rooted guilt did my parents instill in me to ensure others were taken care of, before myself!  During the month of July, I was supposed to be here for my husband, I was supposed to be taking care of him...I was supposed to be his pillar of strength...he was taking care of me...he was my pillar of strength...I set him back, his infections got worse and I was not positive....to this day, I actually HATE this person...I cannot stand him...I will not be nice to him...It takes a lot for me to dislike, let alone hate anyone, but I cannot even talk to him.  As I sit here, clench my fist and teeth...during Don's next surgery, he doesnt' want anyone around...thank goodness.  I really wanted this converation to be positive!!!! 

You're in my heart and in my thoughts daily, and no matter what life throws at us, we will see it through! It's just who we are, signing off, sending you ehugs, sunshine and well wishes my virtual friend! 

Deb
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Reply by marstin
24 Jul 2013, 4:35 AM

Hi Deb,

You know I think that times have changed so much. I hear you when you say that we would never hae talked to our mom's the way that our kids talk to us. I wonder sometimes if part of it is all of the distractions available to kids these days. What I do find is that they are much lazier around the home and don't seem to think anything is their responsibility. I know mine can't quite grasp how desperate I am for them to step up and do their part around here. If they're not at work or school, they're running out the door to visit someone. I keep warning them that I'm going to run away too and they give me a whithering look. My oldest has tomorrow off and so that she can avoid working around here, she's running off to her exboyfirends for the night. Grrr!

Oh wow, that neighbor of yours is frightening. I sure hope they don't let her come out until they have her mental illness under control. Although she can't help what's happening to her, you certainly don't need to have that fear added to the stresses in your life.

My dear friend, you sound like you're going to fall apart and I worry about you so much. Does Don know how badly this is affecting you to have a permanent resident there? This guy must be plain dumb to not realize that this not the time to settle himself in there when Don and you are going through so much. This is your time to spend with your husband and now you have someone else invading your space and taking those precious moments away from you. I would be agitated too. Keep running my friend, keep running so that you don't allow this to tear you apart.

Well, lucky me had the privilege of telling our realtor that we were not going to renew his contract. He was very unhappy about it and I felt so bad. I explained to him that I am not the only person with a say in this matter but that didn't help. Lucky brother of mine, he doesn't have to worry about running into this guy all of the time. He told me last night that he would send me a list of questions to ask realtors so that we could pick another one. I cannot say on here what I wanted to say to him. He just doesn't get the amount of pressure I'm under trying to deal with my house to get it on the market or maybe it's just that he doesn't care. How self absorbed he is. The biggest things facing him in his life is working on his garden or what their next vacation will be. Of course he wants my girls to be more in his life so that if something happens to me....Maybe he's hoping I'll kick off before my mom's house is sold so that he can have my share too. Lol! Oh we certainly have been taught well to hold our tongues haven't we? If I ever let loose on him he'd run with his tail between his legs. You sit there biting your tongue with Don's friend. How polite we are eh? Does that guy not have any other options of places to stay? I'm guessing not. It just seems so unfair that you have to take on a extra burden.

I sure have been having trouble sleeping since we came back from the island. I never suffered from it even after Len & my Mom passed away and now I find that everything comes rushing at me at bedtime and when I do finally fall asleep, I have weird dreams and keep waking up. Maybe I've just reached my limit on keeping it together. I don't know. I just want to walk away from this house and its neverending headaches.

Well, time to go get some laundry done. Please take care of yourself. You mean the world to a lot of people including me.

Hugs,
Tracie
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