Discussion Forums

Reply by Tian

25 Apr 2013, 5:32 PM

Terrible news. Terrible. Reality can be absoolutely brutal. You need to do what needs being done but you need all the support you can get. Please take care of youself so that you can care for others.

Tian

Report this post

Reply by NiteLad

26 Apr 2013, 4:29 AM

Hi Paula,

I am so sorry to hear your news. I don't even know what to say. I keep thinking how unfair life is sometimes. Please take care of yourself, and know we are all here for you and want to help comfort you in any way we can. Remember you are not alone, and that we care about you.

NiteLad

Report this post

Reply by lilbear

26 Apr 2013, 10:54 AM

I am so glad to have found you all. I cannot do this alone. I am planning to go to our local hospice today to seek some support. I don't exactly know what they can offer and quite frankly, I don't know what exactly I need. Maybe just somewhere neutral to vent and cry, etc.
What makes this harder, I think, is that not only did they live witb me and their memories are everywhere, but my Mom and I have worked together and own a business together. I haven't been at our store for about 6 weeks. I closed it when my dad went into the hospital and haven't re-opened yet. I am not looking forward to that. Everyone that comes in will be asking. Even all of our suppliers will be asking and I know it's genuine concern, but what an emotional toll I will have to deal with there too. It seems I have nowhere to get away from it, if even for a little bit. Of course, I don't know if that is really possible anyway.
I am having a very hard time sleeping. I get overwhelmed by exhaustion at times and that seems to hit without warning. I do not want to become heavily depressed as my family needs me. I don't know if I can just will depression away....I absolutely do not want to use pills. That scares me.
Thank you for all of your support,
Paula

Report this post

Reply by Mark99

26 Apr 2013, 1:42 PM

Paula
It is odd how we all share similar emotions and stories around a totally unique experience. I too shut my business down so I could care for Donna. I was lucky to have had a friend give me a part time job so I could go to all her appointments etc. Where I was consulting is for the most part a friendly and supportive place. But VH has been a god send in many regards for what was said to me and the chance to speak to others. I am a firm believer in the fact that until something is said outloud or shared it does not existing. It is that loop in our head but being said makes it real and we can reflect on it with others.

You fear of depression is valid and I would say that talking to us when you can will help. We are the vent and support some have been there before you and their experiences can help you.

thank you for being here it helps me too

Report this post

Reply by NatR

26 Apr 2013, 2:21 PM

Dear Paula, Mark 99 and other readers

i can understand and sympathize with your comments about grief, sadness, depression and how to keep going on a daily basis.

i have learned that having a medication is not something to hide, it's something that sometimes we need at certain times.

if you can speak to a family doctor Paula, please do. Even to get something to help you sleep.
sleep is most important as it helps you have energy and strength to get through the days which are so hard.

each of us are different, each of our stories, our coping mmechanisms I encourage you to seek out support for those aspects also - not just venting and sharing here, but also having the tools you need to keep you moving forward each day

i am Not a professional, just someone who cares and who knows what it's like to feel drained, empty and struggle to face hard days and life changing experiences.

having support here and in real life is essential, but listen to your guts, your heart.

having run a couple of businesses too, I understand how difficult and stressful it is to make decisions, face returning without your mom etc.

leave all that you can on the back burner. Everyone will understand - its more important to do what you need to do, for you, your family, your mom, it's what you have to do

the other thing to do is take one day at a time, a break here and there, and remind yourself thato taking time away for distractions/a bit of a down time is important

thinking of you as you move through your day with love and concern for your beloved mom, your dad, and your family.
you are a remarkable caregiver and person,

sincerely,
NatR

Report this post

Reply by marstin

26 Apr 2013, 4:03 PM

Hi Paula,

Having been extremely close to my mom also, I can feel the pain you are feeling. Although it has now been 7 months since I lost her, I have yet to deal with the loss. Just yesterday I finally made the call to set up an appointment with hospice care to start dealing with the emotions I have bottled up inside. Please start the process now is all I can say. If you don't deal with it early on, it will probably hit you with a vengeance. My kids accuse me of being very angry all of the time which is why I have chosen to finally face the pain. Like you, I hate the thought of taking medication to make this process a little easier and yet I think that if I took something that it may make all of this a little bit easier. My fear with it is not being focused enough to deal with all that comes my way and losing control.

I agree with what Mark said about 'until something is said out loud or shared it does not exist'. I have few people that I will share my inner thoughts with and I am careful to not share too much. On this forum I find that it is a very safe place to release so much of my frustration and my fears. I also know that I need just that little bit more help from people who specialize in what we are going through.

NatR offered very sound advice on talking to a doctor. You truly do need to be able to sleep and taking time out for yourself is very important. No one can run on empty, it's just not humanly possible.

Please take care of yourself, you are very important to those who love you.

Hugs,
Tracie

Report this post

Reply by lilbear

26 Apr 2013, 8:45 PM

Well, I did go to hospice today and made contact. It was good to talk there. The bereavement counselor was at a conference, but I was told that he will call me Monday or Tuesday . I am glad I made the effort to reach out.
They moved my Mom to palliative today. Thankfully, the palliative coordinator is very thorough and compassionate. She made sure to get my Mom a room on the opposite corridor from where my Dad was. It was still very hard to walk through those doors again.
Paula

Report this post

Reply by marstin

28 Apr 2013, 6:33 AM

Hi Paula,

I'm so glad to hear that you took that first step. I too finally made that call on Friday and I go in on Tuesday. I believe that we all need to have that kind of support while we travel this journey whether we recognize it or not.

Now that your mom is in palliative care you can rest a little easier knowing that she will be cared for by the best. Thank goodness that they chose a different area from where your dad was. I found that very difficult when my mom ended up in many of the same rooms or wards that Len had been in just a few months earlier. Too many memories haunting them.

Know that we are walking beside you and are here whenever you need us.

Hugs,
Tracie

Report this post

Reply by moderator | modératrice

02 May 2013, 1:57 PM

Hi Tracie and Paula,

I've been thinking about you and your respective appointments on Tuesday.

Tracie, was your meeting at your local hospice?
Paula, did you hear from the bereavement counsellor?

Colleen

Report this post

Reply by lilbear

02 May 2013, 8:03 PM

Hi Colleen,
The bereavement counselor has not contacted me and that disappoints me some. To be fair, the coordinator left a message but I never seem to be able to get anywhere except her voicemail. I don't feel like leaving anymore messages, I just want to move on and get the help I am seeking. Am I wrong to expect better follow-up? I don't know how these things are supposed to work.
It is getting more and more difficult to go see my Mom. Today has been very emotional for me it seems. Every time I see her, I just want to cry and today I did which I hate her seeing.
Paula

Report this post

Enter your email address (the one you used when you joined Canadian Virtual Hospice). We will email you a new password right away.

Email Address:

Become a Member

As a member of the Canadian Virtual Hospice, you can ask a question confidentially on Ask a Professional and contribute to the Discussion Forums. Join for free now to connect and share with others.

Discussion Forum members receive a monthly newsletter. You also have the option to sign up for the Canadian Virtual Hospice monthly newsletter.

Please fill in the information below.

Nickname:*

You will be known to other users only by your nickname. You do not need to reveal your identity by using your full name, real name or email address. Choose a nickname that is easy for you to remember.

Email Address:*

Your email will not be visible on the Virtual Hospice website. We will NOT sell, distribute or misuse your email address.

Password:*

Confirm Password:*

Country: