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Reply by KathCull_admin

05 Oct 2014, 4:21 PM

Hi
Melinda it's good to hear from you and hear that you are 'looking forward' to things.

And for you and Tracie, it's also good to hear that house renovations are more a source of pleasure than pain now. Hope that continues!

Nouce how to be patient and hopeful also posted to Caregivers: can we talk honestly? first time on page 3 and then on last page. Could I ask you both to consider responding to her?

Sunshine here on the prairies - between the two of youJ Wish for sunshine for you both too.

Katherine

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Reply by marstin

20 Oct 2014, 3:00 AM

Hi Melinda,

Just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing. Is your basement done yet? Things are finally coming together around here. The garage is close to be cleared except for some tools, the basement is looking far better, and most of the little jobs are finished. The realtor had a house for rent that he was so sure that I would love and although it's not really in our area, I said I'd look at it. This will be the tough part I think. The place was too much money and the kitchen was galley style so there was no room to even turn around. I was supposed to see another place today where a friend knew the owners but they decided that they didn't want someone with a dog. I was really disappointed. It was right behind my Tim Horton's too. I can't wait much longer to put the place on the market but it would be nice to know that we had somewhere to go. It's times like this when I could use Len's belief that everything will be okay. I got a letter in the mail from his stupid credit card company looking for money again. I was assured a year ago that they would leave me alone and here we are again. Sometime's I just want to run away. I'm really tired of carrying this load.

Did you find your dress for the wedding? Has the cooler weather started to roll in around there? It's been quite humid here the past few days but it's supposed to rain for the rest of the week. It makes it tough to sit outside at Timmy's even with the canopies up. It was so windy today that the darn things nearly blew away. Still, we all sat there. Lol!

Let me know how you're doing when you have a chance.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by Melinda

25 Oct 2014, 12:37 AM

Hi Tracie! So nice to hear from you. I had a chuckle over "my" Tim Hortons! Too bad the place did not work out behind "your" Tim Hortons. All jokes aside, it would have been perfect for you. Espically if you get to stay in the same area you are familiar with. Does this mean you are packing up boxes of stuff, ready for a move. I am still in chaos here. The basement is almost finished and it looks just beautiful. I am so pleased. Too bad we can't post pictures here!
Yes, my daughter picked up my dress today. I had to order it in a different colour. And my passport arrived last week. I have my summer clothes out and ordered a few new ones. Just have to get a pair of sparkle flip flops (because its a beach wedding). I love getting organized long before an event...may have gone overboard on this organization...but at least there will be few surprises (I hope!)
I have been feeling vaguely stressed lately. Trying to figure out whats wrong. Work has been really busy and I am coming home tired alot. Then I realized today that I have 12 days holidays coming to me. So I may take a few long weekends off to see if this helps. I think I am just doing too much. Every spare moment has been devoted to the basement and organizing it. Still getting rid of stuff...I swear the more I get rid of the junk the more I seem to have...I swear it "breeds" somewhere lol! I honestly have to admire you for getting rid of all Len's stuff. Its a sad process for us and a long one.
I still don't miss Stan and days go by without thinking of him...this worries me alot! When I do think of him its usually "Oh I wish Stan could see the basement now!" His birthday is on Monday October 27..he would have been 53. I really wonder how the day will go for me..I have been feeling sad for him and that he died so young. Perhaps this is why I am feeling "off". Plus the constant rain is getting to everyone!! Thanks for sending it our way lol!
Well off to bed...early night for me and will try to sleep in tomorrow morning! Take care Tracie. Melinda

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Reply by KathCull_admin

25 Oct 2014, 12:48 AM

Hi Tracie and Melinda
Melinda - just a note if you want to post a picture you are welcome to. If you go to so scared but somehow i need to find a way to be strong page 4 you'll see a lovely wedding picture. The guidelines just ask that you protect yourself and others - so we ask that members not post contact or private information.

Glad the renovation is going so well.
Take care both of you
Katherine

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Reply by Melinda

25 Oct 2014, 1:11 PM

Thanks Katherine....I learn something new every day!! Melinda

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Reply by marstin

29 Oct 2014, 2:49 AM

Hi Melinda,

How were you for Stan's birthday? It's tough to realize that they are no longer there to celebrate the day with. I've found that I have more trouble dealing with the days leading up to an occasion that with the actual day itself.

You sure are an organized lady. Of course I guess that the wedding will be here before you know it. Time sure can fly. It's good to know that your basement is almost finished and you are so happy with the results. I know what you mean about wishing that Stan could see how great things could look. I sometime's sit and look at all that I have managed to accomplish around here since Len passed away and I think he would be proud. Who knows, maybe they can see what we're doing.

I'm still trying to find us a place to move to. It's like walking a tightrope between getting the house on the market but having a place to go to. I try very hard not to think too much about it but as the funds disappear I do get pretty anxious sometimes. Yes, I have started packing up. I have a cleaning lady who clears areas out for me and boxes things up before I can sort through them. I end up pulling everything out after she's gone and figuring out what I'm getting rid of but because I can't stand boxes blocking everything, I end up working on it sooner than later so I guess in that sense it's pushing me forward. One time she even cleaned the living room in the suite and boxed up everything that was on the entertainment centre and because the tv was unplugged (painting had been happening) she moved it right out of the room. My brother in law came over a few days later and put the room back to normal so that the girls could still use it. Today him and I worked on clearing some of the office out. It's the one room that hasn't been touched yet because I find all of the stuff so overwhelming. I even found an old guitar of mine that I forgot that I even owned. No, I don't play the guitar. It was a phase. Lol! Maybe I'll take it along when we move and learn how to play it.

I would think that your body is still in recovery mode and I don't believe anybody can just say 'Alright, I'm over it'. You went through so much for a very long time that I'm sure it will take time for you to really begin to heal. Sounds like you keep yourself very busy which is good to keep you from doing any heavy thinking. Maybe your body is telling you that you need to allow yourself some real down time. I know I have faltered at times but for the most part haven't been able to really take much time to allow myself to feel much. I just keep pushing myself forward. People tend to expect me to be past it all and yet there are those moments when I question why I'm still here. Those moods don't happen too often but often enough to scare me sometimes. Not having family support at all has been tough. Even my niece walked out of my life and has no time for me even though she lives 5 minutes away. One lady I met at Timmy's is such a great listener and always encourages me to just keep going. We've become very good friends and because her life has not been easy, we get each other. We talk and laugh and just clicked from the moment we met. I am fortunate to have met her.

Well, we kept lots of that depressing rain for ourselves here. I took off out of here one night when it was pouring because I didn't want to sit in the house by myself. I don't generally do rain and dark for driving but I just had to. I sat a one of the picnic tables at Timmy's by myself (it has a cover over it) with my hood up and bundled up and listened to the rain come pounding down and watched the rivers of it rolling down the driveway. It was so peaceful and I came home feeling so much better. Len used to tell me that he was going to put something outside of the bedroom window so that I could hear the rain coming down. I just love that sound.

Oh the 'stuff'. I agree that it seems to keep growing instead of diminishing. Although I'm starting to see daylight around here with a lot of the furniture gone and bags and bags of things to the thrift store, there still seems to be so much. You open a drawer and just cringe. Something tells me that I may be taking more stuff with me than I wanted to but clearing out 23 years of stuff is insane and almost unrealistic. I keep plugging away at it so who knows but I'm sure once we move I will get rid of more things. I haven't gone near the closet that holds all of the things I brought home from my Mom's. I think I may just box it up and deal with it later when I'm able to deal with the emotions that will probably come from looking at it. That will be once we have gotten out of here.

Well, I'm off to watch tv and read my facebook.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by marstin

23 Nov 2014, 3:51 PM

Hi Melinda,

I have been thinking about you for weeks now and wondering how things are going there. Have you managed to get your basement finished off? How about your clearing out of stuff? I can almost see daylight with this place although there is still lots of things to move out of here. My 'contractor' has just dropped out of sight. He held a garage sale here to try to sell off some of the things that I had including about $300 worth of oak trim which I told him I needed to sell in order to pay him for his work. The trim disappeared from the garage and so did he. My brother in law called him on speaker phone and his lack of reaction to the stuff being gone was pretty interesting. Nothing else was missing, just that. The fact that he never came to be payed for his work (he was holding his hand out every day) makes his actions very suspicious. I guess his work is done here.

Drop me a line when you get a chance. I'd love to hear how things are going for you.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by Melinda

23 Nov 2014, 11:27 PM

Hello...funny I was thinking about you the other day and feeling quilty about not checking in lol! So you are still in the house and still having to deal with contractors? And you are still battling with "stuff"...but I must say it does sound like you are making progress!! Just struck me that we are both dealing with about 23 years of stuff! And you have your Mom's stuff also...I keep forgetting about the double whammy you were dealt...not nice at all. I have been like a mad woman getting rid of stuff...and the stuff that I cannot get rid of is squirreled away in the attic. I told my daughter she could throw it all out some day! My contractor is almost finished (wish I could send her your way....she is a treasure!). She has one more room to finish in the basement and then it will be totally done. But I was so sick of the choas that I put her off until after the holidays. I always seem to be sorting and organizing and looking and deciding. Today I just wished it would all go away and I could have time to myself. So I must do that lol!! Work is getting crazy and I am having long days...which will not end until after the holidays (I work for Canada Post...is it okay to say that here lol!)
Anyway have been feeling stressed lately. And a bit depressed. Think it has finally hit me that Stan is gone. I am missing him more and thinking of him more. I think now that my cleaning and sorting frenzy is almost over, I have time to think. And I also think the fact that winter is just around the corner is depressing. Also finding it difficult sometimes to deal with stuff that Stan always took care of. The joys of being a widow!! So about a week ago I decided to stop complaining about anything...as soon as I feel negative, I try to look on the bright side and say something positive. When work gets over whelming I just smile more and don't complain. No, I have not "lost it" lol! But this being positive stuff is interesting and worth a shot! I don't want to get depressed and feeling sorry for myself....which is right where I was heading! And another thing I have been experiencing is "loneliness". This is unusual for me...I have always loved my own company...but just knowing Stan is not in the basement is sad. I used to just run down and give him a big hug and get one back..that I really miss. His birthday was a very sad day. And he will be much missed at Christmas..he always loved Christmas. So I would say "sadness" has been my main feeling lately! Crap..why is life so difficult sometimes. Opps being negative...sorry I am gettin silly...time to say goodbye...but only for now. Take care my friend. Melinda

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Reply by marstin

25 Nov 2014, 4:30 AM

Hi Melinda,

It's good to hear back from you. Yes, I'm still in this house but as far as contractors go, I'm done. Hard to believe that he was my brother in law's brother in law. He hasn't seen him since either. We have gotten so much stuff out of this house and it is looking much clearer but with Christmas coming, I think I will pick away at things for now and put the house on the market in the new year. I just feel like I can't do another thing so it must be time to take a break.

I had to read and reread your message and wanted to think about how to respond. I remember throwing myself into keeping busy and not thinking about what had happened so that I could cope. Still today I do that but I can feel it all just below the surface. You haven't really taken any time to deal with your emotions as you raced back to work plus started clearing the house out.

I hear what you're saying about being a widow. So many times I have felt overwhelmed by having to take on all of the things that Len used to take care of and wishing he was still here to share the load. Even after 2 years I still miss the sound of his voice and the smell of his cologne. Once in awhile I even take out his bottle of cologne and smell it. Your loss is still so new and very raw. There is nothing weak about allowing yourself to feel the pain and wallow in it for awhile. It is real and it is so difficult. You are not a super woman my friend, you are grieving and no one should expect you to be 'over it' including yourself. I'm pretty good at faking the 'I'm doing great' and I can read right through the lines that you write. Christmas is a tough time to get through. Do you have plans? Sometimes it helps to be surrounded by people although I know that our first Christmas we were relieved when it was time to come home and we could have alone time to allow the sadness to sweep over us. It looks like we're on our own for Christmas this year, no one has mentioned anything, and it's sad to feel like we have no family around. After almost a year, I have had no contact with my brother and my niece has dropped right out of our lives. If it was up to me I would just not even bother with it but my daughters deserve bettter than that. My oldest has such a love of Christmas, the sights, the sounds, the music. It all just makes me very lonely and weepy.

You are not sounding negative or silly Melinda. I work very hard at trying to stay optimistic and happy too. I sometime's think it would work if only I could stop thinking so much and just go with the upbeat stuff. It just doesn't work that way. I have a new friend that I meet all the time for coffee and she allows me to spill it all out and is very calming and very caring. She doesn't make me feel like I'm having a pity party which is how some people started acting around me. Unless you've walked this path, I guess you can't quite comprehend how much time it takes to mend a broken heart. You can be surrounded by people, laugh loudly, and seem just fine and then the loneliness swoops in and devastates you. You go home and talk to the walls since there's no one else to hear you or share your day with.

What I want you to know is that I'm here and I understand. You don't have to hide your emotions, they won't make me uncomfortable. I've found that spilling it makes a huge difference and just knowing that someone cares can bring some consolation. I have walked beside you while Stan was still here and have no intention of deserting you now.

Hugs my dear friend,
Tracie

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Reply by marstin

21 Dec 2014, 4:09 PM

Hi Melinda

I was thinking about you this morning and wondering how things are going. Do you have plans for Christmas this year? We had planned on having Christmas alone this year since I hadn't heard of any 'family' plans and assumed it had something to do with my brother. My niece contacted me to let me know that dinner was at his place and that he said we could come but that he wouldn't be personally extending an invitation. Such a nice guy. Lol! Anyway, my niece and nephew were feeling bad about this and somehow managed to change it to my nephew's house so that we would be included. Truthfully, I was looking forward to having our own dinner alone but now I guess we will be travelling to spend time with family so that I can spend the evening ignoring my brother and his wife.

I hope you're doing okay as I know this will be your first Christmas without Stan. Please drop a line when you feel like it and let me know how you are doing.

Hugs,
Tracie

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